Diary Abrile

diary ----- april 12th ----- landings on the new w0rlD


I never seem to feel well anymore these days. I am starting to become a hypochondriac, it seems, which is something I really have not been for many years. I seem to be utterly convinced tha every little problem is something a thousand times bigger. I suppose my fear of death is beginning to increase. Its a very terrible feeling. I don't like it. Of course not. I imagine myself on a bed sucking in air reaching out my hand pleading "help me help me i dont wanna die not yet not yet". Its so frightening. But it keeps coming to me. Its so petrifying. Life is so scary......

I just want to be on a beach somewhere in beautiful swimming trunks waltzing around smoking a bone with a bottle of golden Corona in my hand...waving to good girlies.... I don't want to feel this god damn Bull... I dont want to imagine LIGHTS OUT.... come on... its too early ..... I have so many more poems to write.... so many more adventures ... but the hypochondria, its terrifyingly real.... and in fact its even, i am beginnig to see, starting to extend to my dog. Yesterday for example i stared at the dog for three hours convinced I would turn around and shed be dead. I saw myself digging a grave on hands and knees in the backyard screaming. The hypochondria is too real. Muy RE'AL.

Years ago I never really felt necessarily "healthy', and I certainly was never at a peak of any sort but I also never felt ...well, I never felt bad. Essentially I always felt inconquerable. This is now no longer the case. I look at things, even at my own skin for that matter, and I can see now how it's going to one day defeat me and the idea is beyond mortifying. I imagine myself with horrific infections bleeding and then I start weeping. If I could afford a therapist maybe I would see one but I bet they wold make it worse. They would terrify me like a disease....

Still in the end I do not really think this world is so bad as people make it you know, and I think that idea -- believ eit or not --- is where my fear is coming from. In the beginning of my life I often did not like life. I was not one j of those children for example who very much enjoyed life from the beginning.I always thought i was in hell.

 In fact as a child I was often suicidal and quite prone to sickness,  I had some pretty big scares as a kid. But then as I got older I became a bit like, you might say, a 'fine wine': I gradually began to enjoy life, and to find more to enjoy about life, the more and more I aged. For many people in my life it seems to have been the exact opposite, unfortunately ,but for me no. I always felt like I kept finding more and more to like about my stay on earth....i often in fact felt like I was an actual alien visitor of some sort who was gradually adjsuting to the climate and the planet; and I think, frankly, that this is where the fear is coming from:

Since I am finally sort of actually at peace with myself and since I finalyl feel I understand this planet - at least to a degree-, could it be that now I am beginning to let go again?  In much the same way that I was perhaps letting go in my very early childhood chapters, when I 'hated' myself and a lot of my life? Could it be that ultimate Peace actually winds up bringing the same result as ultimate Hate? I wouldn't be surprised. I do not feel ready to go however. I am not quite done with my tour of this earth. I have more things to see or at least to read.  Of course I don't feel done! Shit! I am still young, not even yet 30. I do not actually have much on this earth but what I do have I appreciate and besides I perhaps know enough now that I can find a way to get lucky. Maybe it is the place that is finally trying to kill me? Hard to say....

I'm not sure why I am writing this of course, other than to get it out of me and my System and perhaps to cast a plea out to the Gods that, god damnt Gods, I am not yet ready to die, and here is my prayer, do not strike me down right now and do not -----please do NOT --- fill me with horrendous worries that spoil the fuck out of my every single day. For I still have some more tales to tell my dear Gods and I cant deal with this and dont wan to deal with this.....

SO THERE IT IS.
I SAID IT--