Of course, home to Kim Bonney is different than home is to most of us in reality. We are, after all, talking about a 35 year old woman with about ten different castles and palaces on her hands, her most recent one being a castle she built and designed herself on the Amalfi Coast. She has not seen it yet, though apparently she "...thinks a few of my boyfriends are living in it...I'm not sure". Boyfriends to Kim Bonney are much like homes and cars and all the rest: She seems to have about 100 of them, at any given time. The man with her today, assuming you're curious, looks like he ought to be the next LeBron James. At the moment he is standing in a pair of basketball shorts, looking over a balcony, with his back turned to us. His dark black body is filled with tattoos. Kim assures me that he is a porn star ...she just isn't sure what country he's doing porn in. He does not speak english, so Kim says. "Only a bit of Afrikaans and French". French is a language all Kim Bonney fans love, since many of her most recent films have been shot in that old tongue.
Speaking of films of course, is exactly what I wanted to do with Kim Jane Bonney the moment I saw it was really her. I wanted to ask her if she had any information on The Death of Dionysus, which we are all still waiting for in the States, or if she was still shooting Golden Bitch , which we have been endlessly hearing "rumors" of but have still never seen so much as a single trailer of. Kim told me she was happy to speak of all of these things and more...but most specifically she wanted to speak of something that she's had in the pipeline for a long time but never told the Public about. It is a book , yes, a bok, that she has been working on, entitled The Pink Wormhole and the All Seeing Eye, A Kim Bonney Adventure in 12 Dimensions.
It is a long title indeed, but the book is even longer. I have a copy of it, signed by Kim herself, laid in front of me on my table, next to my sparkling Singaporean wine. The book is absolutely massive, and when Iflipped all the way towards the end, I was shocked to find that it just said 2.350 in big, bold letters, and then underneath was a sketched image of Kim ,in the most beautiful bright pink dress I've ever seen. 2350 is, in fact, the number of pages in the book. Kim tells me that the text is a collaboration between her and three other vey specific personalities; she did not write it alone. She brought in the renowned physicist and futurist Michio Khan for the first quarter of the book, the musician/director Henry Bloom for the next quarter, and finally for the last bit it was a bit of a race between herself and an old long lost friend, Catherine Rodriguez. Many fans, I'm sure, will be shocked to see Catherine Rodrigeuzs' name pop up. I know I was. This is because, last everyone heard, Kim and Catherine were essentially mortal enemies, after Catherine's film Jungle Girlz shot to the top of the box office and Kims film Caesar's Final Blade was only number 3. Kim accused Catherine of many heinous crimes that summer, all those many years ago. Alas, now, it seems the two have made up, and Kim showed me a photograph of the two of them together, not far from where we are sitting now, feeding a giraffe together. The two of them were wearing matching outfits, much to my surprise: Pink Louis Vuitton tracksuits.
"I've known for years now," Km told me, lighting a blunt, "that I would eventually have to get back in touch with Catherine. I jst ...didn't know exactly when. Then, the idea for the book came to me, and I started to think about how badly I have wanted to collaborate with the best artists an d thinkers this world has to offer, and I realized...now is the time for Kim Bonney to call Catherine Rodriguez again. So I did. And she answered. And that wwas it. There were no hard feelings. I know the fans find it hard to believe. But its true.There were no hard feelings. I even let her spend a night with a few of my most prized men. For example, my most recent gladiator, Titus Vorenus, from New Rome. I let her have him for an entire day. I thought she would lose her mind. You know how big Kim Bonneys gladiators are..."
I nodded my head. Yes, I have known ever since I was a little girl, in fact, and when I was in middle school in Miami, Florida, I used to hang up framed posters of all the gladiators that Kim would buy the moment she'd get new ones. Even now as a grown woman I sitll love them, of course, much to my husbands chagrin (he is a very small little guy). Kim took a sip of her wine, then poured a bit more out into her glass, bringing it up under her nose, taking a sniff. "So yes, I called Catherine, and she flew in right away. She was actually on the Moon when I called. I guess she has a place up there. But she came down and she flew in right away and met up with me, and we started to write, and write, and write. I think we literally spit out 800 pages together in something like 2 weeks, and I couldn't believe Catherins style of writing. She is very good with it. Oh, believe me. That little bitch is good. The climax of the book, it's her, and when I sent it to Michio Khan -- smartest fucking man on the planet--even his mind was blown. Honestly, Catherine is an artist, man, she really is. She is a great artist, a great woman, great everything, and it was great to work with her."
"Do you think," I asked her, "that this book is something your die hard fans will take to, or not?"
"At first I wasn't so sure, but I think so, yes. Especially once Catherine came in on, like I'm sayin', I knew my fans would like it. There is something for everyone in the 12 Dimensions book. It has science, religion, weapons, time travel, wormholes, computers, art, music, the ancients, everything is in it. The beginning chapters that I did with Michio Khan, too, are unbelievable to me. I've read some of them, like, 100 times. Michio is an unusally intelligent, and even attractive, man. His ideas about the future of robotics and physics, especially the ideas he brings to light about the future of cloning , its all genius. Have you ever seen photos of Michio's laboratory? The main one he has in San Franciso? With the uh, what is it called, the KYPAL 6500 super computer? Its insane. Seriously. Everywhere you look, this guy has something new he's cloned and brought back to life. He sold me, for example, he sold me an authentic miniature tyrannosaurus rex that I have at my house in London. My daughteer loves it. It's about as big as a pitbull and it runs all around the house. It's beautiful. I love that man, and what he has done for science and the progress of mankind. Let me tell you something, Jen, let me tell you: When we finally manage to truly get through the most recent black hole they found, and we slide into that other universe , Michio Khan is who humanity will thank. And now what do you know? Kim fucking Bonney has worked with him, and the centuries will always remember."
Her man that looks like LeBron James suddenly comes over at this point, and without question, suddenly starts to massage her back, and her shoulders. Without warning, like a robot that someone just flicked off, Kims eyes close and she immediately stops talking. She throws her head back and lets her hair down falling over her shoulders as the muscular boyfriend starts digging his fingers in deeper . I take a nervous sip of my wine not sure if I should look away or what I should do ..and just as I'm getting really uncomfortable and about to stand, I hear Kim call out in Chinese, and the next thing I know there is a man at my back too, digging his fingers in. I close my eyes and drift... whenI eventually re-open them I'm no longer on the balcony...and it seems an entire day has passed. I come to find out: the massage artists had a specific "trip" chemical embedded in the tips of their fingers. They sent me into a trip! Only with Kim Bonney does something like this happen...
Loud old school rap music is blasting the moment I open my eyes. A quiet, dark beat, almost like a heartbeat, with a heavy mans voice tearing through it. Kim Bonney is standing in front of me holding a big brown blunt. She is dressed in a red and black plaid schoolgirls skirt, wearing a backpack that says "SAILOR MOON" on it, and her breasts look like Double D''s now, whereas just the day before they were, in fact, very tiny. Her hair, too, has undergone a significant change: Yesterday it was long and blonde, something like Jessica Lee Trump, you could say, and now today it is pink and dreaded very nicely, falling down her back. For a shirt she has only an old Cleveland Browns jersey she is wearing (remember the men Kim used to get from that team?). She looks at me smiling the moment she's in my sight. She holds out the blunt for me; without question, even though I haven't really properly smoked any drugs in years, I take a big hit and start to cough. "I thought it would be fun if you came along to this little place I love in Singapore." she says.
"What..is the place?" I ask.
She then starts to explain to me that it is a sex dungeon, and "I understand completely if you object, but you will not regret it if you come. The only requirement is that you take 3 hits of the pure opium the Singaporeans create , if you want in."
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