Dear Rebecca,
I have for some time now wanted to write you a letter, and since I am kind of sad tonight, I Figure tonight might as well be the night. In some sense, it is probably wrthless to write you one, since we talk so often anyways, but at the same as that ... I believe it is the case that “different thoughts” tend to come out, when one is writing a letter, versus when one is engaged in aconversation. So I am going to sit here, at 3:14 in the morning, and I am going to write one, and we are going to see what comes of it.
First things first: What prompted me to sit here and start writing this? Well I was lying on my bed with Oakley, in the dark, and I began to feel a very profound sadness. The sadness of course , I believe, was for you... for wanting to see you... to hear you laugh..to talk to you.. just to have your *presence* in my life. It has now been since June, if I remember correctly, since I last saw you in person. In a way there is no use mentioning how long it has been, since I have already repeatedly mentioned it in our many conversations, and yet I cannot help but find this thought to be profound really, for a few reasons.
The biggest reason of all is because the absence I now feel, due to all this time passing without seeing the “real you”, is really one that I have not felt in many, many years. A decade, more or less. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but the basic point is that, often in the middle of the night, I’ll be lying there thinking of you, and suddenly I’ll be reminded of just how it felt, years and years ago, when I used to “occasionally” split with my ex. Sometimes, as I have told you before, the break ups would last 6-7 months, before reuniting - the longest lasted about a year -- and each time it happened, it was as though all the world would come to a slow and torturous crawl. I would always manage to get myself involved with my own thing, but it was also always as though something was not quite right about everything. Oftentimes, due to the fact that she and I split so many times and then reunited, I would be sitting there with the thought and hope of reunion in my head.
The time that the split lasted a year , I remember, was probably one of the saddest of all. At the same time as this, it was also one of the best moments of my life when we finally did reunite, after lal that time. It was a giant mix of sad and strange; in some way, it was almost even surreal. I’ll never forget, for example, the sensation of hearing her voice on the telephone, after an entire year of not hearing it at all, but yearning nightly for it. It was like rediscovering some lost dream character that had only ever existed in my imagination...and yet there she was again, in reality.
You might not necessarily like that I am mentioning my ex in a letter to you, but the only reason I feel it is necessary to discuss these old memories of mine here, and my old break ups, is because, quite frankly, I am actually almost perplexed as to why I am **also feeling this ** in regards to you.I know, I Know, that might sound a bit “wrong” at first, but the fact is that...you know... you and I never dated, so why on Earth should I be feeling as though I am suffering through some sort of break up? How can I be having these emotions , how can I be feeling these **Exact same painful ** emotions, the same ones I Felt all those yaers ago, for you, when I’ve never dated you? It doesn’t make sense, does it? And yet it is very much the case, and I know it ofr a fact, because I began to recognize the emotions the moment they came. I began to recognize them and I feel that this time around in my life, perhaps they are not emotions I should altogether ignore, like I did with my ex years ago. She was poisonous, and it was a triumph to ignore the pain I felt for her. You, on the other hand, are very different. You are not poisonous. IF anything, I think you are altogether healthy. Which is why I am writing a letter to you, that no one else in my life has ever received. If I am to send this letter to you, I feel it will be a major step towards a real declaration of my deep emotion for you.
That one week, for example, when your phone randomly died and you vanished for a week and a half or whatever it was, I literally thought I was going to lose my mind altogether, and I felt more destitute, and lost, and sorrowful, than I think I have ever felt, in perhaps my entire life. I really mean this. I do not believe that I ever felt so sorrowful as I did that week. It was an intense pain that beat out any Break up pain I felt as a teenager or an early 20 something, completely. I Found myself unable to write, to read, to focus, to watch anything, to do anything, besides sit and think about you, constantly, and I Was honestly bewildered--as I keep stressing--by the emotion. I was bewildered because, yet again, how is it that I can be feeling this way for someone I don’t remember ever having dated? I was taken by complete surprise, and this made the pain so much worse. WIth my ex years ago, I was always prepared, in the back of my head, for the awful break up pain. We fought constantly, and often I wanted to be rid of her myself. I had many friends around back then, as well. It was all always manageable. Yet, that week without you, I didn’t understand what on Earth I was feeling. Suddenly I waking up morning after morning, being bombarded by break up emotions---for a girl I had never even dated! It was like I was swarmed and set upon by an entire army of emotions I had never even expected. My entire island , my fort, my castle,my everything...was totally seized. The rug ripped out from under me. I literally had no idea what was going on. For how can someone be in love with someone and feel this strongly and yet not realize it til said person ...vanishes?
I spoke to you the other morning of memories and how they play tricks on us, and also about how easy it can be, sometimes, especially for a writer of tall tales , to change memories, and alter them.
Well, I must confess: Sometimes I sit here in the dark of night and I really begin to wonder: DId I date you and somehow just...not totally realize i was dating you? Was there some sort of unofficial romance between us eve nin the past, before we started to discover it together, a few months ago?
Why do I feel this way? Why is this emotion continously growing? And what can I do to stop it or to go forward with it? As I keep saying to you, I did not plan to engage with any woman in this manner. I’ve made no preparation for this, at all. I didn’t intend for it to happen! Trust me. I Really did not. I veered, purposely, away from women, because I never wanted to feel that sense of sorrow or loss or pain or heartbreak again. I wanted to sail my galleon alone, and I felt proud to sail it alone. I urged all the friends I had to “sail alone like me”.
And yet..you popped into my life, seemingly out of no wher, and now here I am, feeling this horrific way. I don’t know what to do about it. I cannot reach you. I’m trapped. I am a stranded ship out here, alone...there is no wind to blow me towards you...and my occasional urgings and pleadings with you to come get me have now, for 6 months, gone totally unheard. Each time I Try again to get you to come get me, and each time you refuse me, I Think my heart breaks a litlle more and a little more. I’m almost beginning to think that If I keep asking, and you keep refusing, it just might kill me altogether. Why, Rebecca, do you refuse to come get me? Why? It’s been half a year now, more or less, yet still you refuse. Why?Why do you continue to talk to me yet refuse to come get me? Why do you take it so seriously? Why are you so afraid of it? Why? Well perhaps you take it so seriously because you feel it is goin to quickly become something deeper -- like this letter -- ?? Is that the reason why? I suppose that would be a good reason, yet still I don’t understand. One reason I don’t fathom it is because I think, for example, that I never would have even discovered how deep my emotions for you were --- if you had not of done what you’re “sort of” doing now. If you had come to get me back in the summer, or the early fall, and we had hung out, I don’t feel it would have diverged instantly into anything romantic. I don’t know what would have happened. I just feel I would have been happy to hang out with you as friends. At that point I feel like I had no true awareness, as I stress, of these emotions. ALl these emotions have instead just kept growing, almost directly as a result of what I am personally interpreting as your downright refusal to cme get me. I can’t fathom it. I really can’t fathom it, Rebecca. Six entire months. I never, in a million years, could have imagined that you would do this to me, back in JUne, when the problems with your “ex” began. I never imagined this chain of events, and it really does hurt me, in the worst of ways. Sometimes when I Really think of it, like I am doing now, dwelling and so on, it just makes me want to break down crying. I get flustered and anxious. I get all sorts of unable to concentrate. I can’t understand why this is happening to me. I did not sign up for this. It feels unfair. WHy can’t my friend--who continues to talk to me, daily-- come get me? Why does this girl hate me? Why is sh punishing me like this? WHy does Rebecca take this so seriously? Why is she so afraid of me?
Usually when I get lost in the grip of emotions like this, I start to again remember those years ago with my own ex, and I start to remember how often, in my head, I would turn her into a sort of “mythological giant” that became something really powerful. the longer we stayed away from each other. I would start to think that, if I just received her call, her apology, a message frm her, I Would feel instantly relieved, and all my pain would evaporate. All of the world would be perfect...the moment she got into touch with me, apologized, and decided to reunite. But then something kind of odd and awful would happen after all of that Rebecca, when she and I finally would reunite, and the truth is that, when we would, it was often not what we expected it would be. One reason I think it used to happen was becuase we both were expecting to meet someone grand (who our minds had built up) only to then find someone rather typical, etcetc. It would be a sort of let down, because too much anxiety, too much time, too much everything, had passed. This was specifically the case after the entire year had passed... we finally reunited and ... it was as though we didn’t even know each other anymore. Her very voice, I recall intimately, literally sounded like the voice of another girl. It was strange and foreign. Her face looked like the face of someone I had almost not ever really known. Her touch, her feel, her hair, her laugh, everything seemed like it belonged, literally, to someone else -- someone I had nevr known at all.
Granted, she and I had lost touch completely,and did not even message or anything, which we have not, but I still fear you and I may feel similar emotions, the more time you let pass without seeing me in “reality”. To put it bluntly : I think you are making a mistake, Rebecca. Yes it is true that we have thankfully maintained contact with the phones, but I fear that our real selves were also always an important part of the equation when it came to our connection, and it makes me increasingly uncomfortable that you’re really choosing to let all of this time pass without the “real selves” seeing each other. IT’s making me dementedly upset. Sad. Angry. Bewildered. Confused. I am not, as you might think, gradually “getting over it”. It is instead getting worse. And as I say and I stress, I think it is a mistake you are making, and I don’t quite understand what you’re trying to accomplish, by doing it. It’s just like ... not any fun, Rebecca, and its causing me a great deal of mental grief, so why can’t you just let it go? Why? What did I Do to you?
Alas, the reason I am all sorts of caught in a “spiders web” here is because, as I’m sure you know full well, I can’t possibly bring myself to disconnect from you, via the texts and the phones, even though I’m so offended by your “refusal” to swing by here to get me. I cannot disconnecg from you and I never will do it. I’ll keep in touch with you via that method of communication for literally “another hundred years”.... but I also must confess that...each time I think about this “refusal” to come get me, I also get very upset that we are still in touch via text, and yet not letting the real selves meet each other. I am upset Rebecca, because you have the power and the WINGS To come and pick me up and fly to me, and I can’t believe that you really won’t do it...and whne I really, really dwell on it -- every time I do --- I just want to message you and say “Come get me now, or leave me alone FOREVER!” . Of course, I nevr really wind up doing this, because I can’t, and I would regret it. I can’t disconnect from you. I simply can’t. I can’t write it enough. I cannot and will not disconnect from you, no matter how long you carry this refusal to come get me on. I won’t do it. I really won’t.
Yet still I have to ask now, after having written all of this, which you probably won’t even read because of your constant busyness, and I have to plead and beg of you yet again: Please rebecca. Please have mercy on my poor soul. Please, I am begging of you, can you just come pick me up and let me see you in reality? Please? How many times am I going to have to ask? How many times?
P L E A S E REBECCA PLEASE....
Now a few minutes have passed and I was thinking about something, in regards to this sort of “ultimatum” when it comes to the “Come get me or lets just cut contact forever” idea. Here’s what I was thinking: In some way, though it seems as though I am the ‘creator’ of this ultimatum, I don’t really think it is me. In reality, I think it is you, Rebecca. I think you are creating this specific chain of events, this circumstance, and this oddball thing, and maybe you are not even realizing it. In short, I think you are creating the ultimatum, and here is why: By refusing now, for 6 entire months, to come get me, you have essentially forced me into a corner, where you have left me feeling as though the only way I stand a chance at seeing you again is basically...if I beg and plead with you like this, and reveal every emotion I have, like I am doing now. Basically I have been backed up against a wall where now I have been left completely naked and exposed, and forced, almost against my original will, to reveal all these emotions that, previously, I was basically just ignoring, and keeping “hidden”. Due to this distance between our “real selves” now, alas, I have been forced to come out with it all, and to write it plainly, as I am now, exactly how I feel. I have been forced to get sad with you, and to reveal to you that I did indeed love seeing you, and that I perhaps even depended upon it for my own emotional and mental sanity. But the one thing I cannot figure out Rebecca is...why? Why should this be this way that these emotions come to the surface of the boiling pot?? Why could they have not come gradually, in some healthier way? Why were they forced out of me like this? This is what I am having trouble grasping.
Look, I know that maybe you don’t think you’re purposely doing any of this, and maybe you really aren’t. It doesn’t matter though, Rebecca, because I’ve pleaded with you 20 times already to please come get me, and you kept refusing , knowing that my emotions were tossing and turning because of it. You saw that I began to feel strongly and impassioned and still did nothing to save me. It is therefore the case that I am now in the complete midst of a most terrible withdrawal. It’s like I haven’t eaten or drank anything in years....
Don’t make me reveal all my love for you before the time is right , Rebecca, in the midst of this sorrow. Don’t make me spill every last bit of wine in my bottle here. Stop doing this to me, please, and I beg of you to find some hour, any hour at all, to find the time to come get me, and to see me -- evne if only for one measly hour of your day. Just let me see you again, even if only briefly, to put my poor troubled mind at ease. We do not have to hang oiut for 12 hours. We do not have to do anything particular. We do not have to do ANYTHING except see each other. Just let me see you, so that I can regain some of my sanity, becausse I am really losing it Rebecca, and this is really isn’t ...nice! You have the wings. Please just fly to me. Before I wind up writing you a30 page letter instead of however many pages this one is.....
I am going to jump out of this now, but before I do, I’ll ask one last time: Let me out of this dark cage, my dear Queen Rebecca, and let me breathe again. Please let me have a drop of water, and then we can go back, if you should want, to not seeing each other for another 6 months all over again. Just...please....a drop?????
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“jack fate”
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