The truth is, Rebecca, that I'm absolutely terrified for you. Like, literally: Terrified. Your story to me is , and always has been, pretty frightening. It is a story, to me, that generally always been one of extremes. Serious extremes.
Last week, I said to you that , before I really dove deeply into our friendship, I was "sailing a sea of light". I'm sure you remember. Well, one thing I meant to get across w/ this was how, though my life certainly has problems of its own - even deep ones - I have, for years now, been at a pretty tranquil place, so far as my daily life is concerned. Nothing, at all, about my daily life is hectic. I have purposely arranged it, in some sense, so it will be this way. In fact, my life is so not hectic that most people would probably interpret it as a 'slow torturous crawl'.
On any given day, I do not engage in yelling, or screaming matches, there are no children crying that I must run after, I do not speed in the car, I basically don't argue "in reality" w/ anyone, and essentailly haven't for years. My life is incredibly quiet - once you put the music I listen to aside.
You might wonder why I'm writing this to you. Whats it have to do with you, or this most recent argument we were in? To me, it has an awful lot to do with it. Why? Because I Think you live this life, as I say, of high peak extremes. I thik, in fact, that you lived it for so long ---especially before I cam into your life---that you did not even realize you were living it. I have tried to stress to you again and again, for example, that "it is easier for a woman to fall into this sort of loud life" than it is for a man. The reason is simple: More people are willing to make fast friends w/ a woman. You attracted more dangerous people than I ever could have. My life as a male has been rather uneventful for some years now; but I have, at the very least, been granted the privilege of this most beautiufl peace and quiet. No one is all too eager to be friends with me, or date me, bfut...at the same time...I don't often attract "bad energy" either. A blessing in disguise, so far as I see it.
You see, the reason, Rebecca, that I became so upset w/ tthe talk of this particular style of sex , is because I think it is the core of the entire issue that you have complained to me so frequently of. As a result of my belief in this, I was , quite frankly, **shocked** and maybe even **terrified** when I saw just how "lightly" you really interpreted it. It was as though you saw it as something not at all serious, as something laughable, as something "not really connected" or even "possible to connect". I , quite simply, could not fathom the disconnect that I personally felt you were making. It left me frightened for you. It left me feeling deeply uncomfortable. It also, I'll admit, yes, left me feeling rather disgusted, as well. But of course, I was deeply hesitant about expressing my fear over this style of sex you spoke so lightly of, as though it was nothing to take note of. I was afraid to really try and point out how unhealthy I Thought it was, how directly correlated I thought it was, and even just how "wrong" I thought it was.
Here is what I Want to say in regards to this all, and it is my final idea on it: If someone like myself is vastly irresponsible when it comes to how I Just wish to sit here, in quiet, and write all day , which certainly hurts my finances, then ...Rebecca...quite frankly, someone like yourself, to me, appears to have a problem of another kind: This entire idea you have -- or, I stress, at least HAD--of sex, has obviously led you to some pretty dangerous paths. You created two children in a highly precarious situation. You are clearly lacking in some control here, and quite frankly, as I say again, it is really downright mortifying to think of. I have , in fact, been terrified, pretty much since I've known you, that I Would again get a phone call, or a text, where I Was told you have become pregnant for a 3rd time, with some other abusive males child . I don't say this to insult you, or offend you. I have always truly wanted to believe I would remain your friend even if this scenario were to play out; but ...I still must confess: It scares me. It literally keeps me up at night, almost, and scares me. I honestly don'tknow if it scares me more as your friend, or as some lover who wishes he was with you , but it scares me. It scares me for myself, and for everyone else in your life. It scares me for you. Just like I used to get scared, for example, when I Would be driven home in the midst of a horrific fight between you and Rob. I would always sort of wonder, in the back of my head: "Will I get a message from Becca tomorrow moring? OR...will someting horrible happen?"
I don't wish to insult you or offend you , Rebecca. I have always wanted, above all else, to be the best possible friend I can be for you. I do not want to "shame" you or "hurt" you or anything like that. But the fact is that you have now actually created other lives here , not once but twice, in the same precarious situation, and I can't help but feel that , considering sex is at the root of all of that, it probably means that one has to examine sex, above all. This is why, again, whEn I heard your comments about how "I just don't know sometimes, if I'd even be able to have normal sex, and enjoy it", I instantly became mortified, with this deep fear , that its all going to happen again, that I will have to be here, as you rfriend, and watch an entire other abusive relationship play out, etcetc.
Rebecca, I don't have anything against wild, aggressive sex... I told you.. I would demand prostitution and such things be legalized tomorrow if I could...but the fact is that, in your own case, don't you think that you've already been somewhat led to a path in which all of this should be looked at a bit differently? A bit more, dare I say it, conservatively? I know the example will seem extreme to you, but imagine, for example, if we knew a gay man who slept around constantly, with whoever, who then was diagnosed with AIDS...and **even after** being diagnosed, this gay man went around telling people "don't shame anyone who has sex with totally random people, unprotected...god how dare you think to shame them...or tell them not do it..god how dare you! It's their kink..unprotected sex in a dirty bathroom stall..it's their kink..with strangers...don't shame them!"
I understand that the topic of sex is touchy. I don't want to 'shame" anyone, but quite frankly, I would hope someone WOULD shame me, if it meant I might get diagnosed w/ AIDS, or that I might get myself embroiled in a relationship where I would be repeatedly beaten, over and over again, due perhaps to the fact that the sex was all "BDSM" etc. Or of course, if it meant I would wind up with children on my hands, in a difficult siutation. I would hope someone would point things out to me . I would hope someone would try to tell me "think twice". I would hope someone would try to make the connection between having sex with random strangers, and then getting AIDs, just like I attempted to make the connection between your tales of what many would consider totally over the top sex, and the abusive relationships that combined with it. ALl of this talk of sex would, you see, be something entirely different, in my opinion --- except for the fact that, well, you are sitting there with 2 children and 2 lunatic fathers behind them. That detail seems, to me, to change things in enormous ways. I am forced to read the situation much differently than I Would, if there were no kids, and no abusive fathers. In fact, Rebecca, the only reason the abusive sex was ever mentioned at all, was because the abusive relationship existed on the surface. If your scenario had been like it seemed you were attempting to argue -- "it can exist within healthy relationships"--- then the entie conversation would have never been presented. No one wuld have known the better. Instead Becca, it was really pretty much obvious from the start, what was going on, behin dclosed doors.
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