Sometimes I have really good exchanges in YouTube comments...and I won't lie, I feel they are worth putting on the blog, probably cause I write so much. Here is one random excerpt i just got done writing.. enjoy!!
Are you from California? The art scene in any field of art is , unfortunately, in a large way, very particular to certain cities. I've bounced around through a few art forms in my life now. Punk is fascinating to study because it was painted as an outsider movement, but the truth is that most of the bands came from what I woudl call "insider" cities. NYC in the case of , say, the Casualties, and San FRancisco in the case of DK's.
This is a bit peculiar because, being someone who also went on to study classic rock years after my obsession with punk, these were the same cities that were big in that movement, too. Yet classic rock is painted as being worlds away from punk. Also lets never forget, as i stress, the endless importance of London, a city most of us poor punks have never seen but have endlessly heard so much about. London , in the punk rock movement, almost seems to still have the same force it had, quite literally, even back in the old pirate days of the bloody 1500s!!!
Many People i talk to do not seem to realize how seriously vital Londons heartbeat was for rock/punk music of all types in the 60s and 70s. These days, sadly, I feel Londons influence on American culture has waned, or maybe even died completely. Hip hop is very responsible for taking our view ("finally", some might say) away from England, and to American cities. Like, the "real" heartland cities.. not just NYC, or SF. BUT the problem is, what we see of our cities through hip hop, is notrebellious, in my opinion, in the same way punk was.
have lived in a majority black city all my life as a white (im strictly democratic, lol); but... obviously rap music isn't really, like, ushering in any real sense of rebellion, cus its a genre that is amost entirely of the lower/criminal class. Punk, classic rock, both had middle class and lower class and criminal class mixing. Jello Biafra is the perfect example of this; in fact, DK's even had a black dude in the band. But ti was the middle class education, in my opinion, of the punk movement ,that helped it grow political fangs.
these are just an old punk heads opinions. I play intsruments myself, guitar and pianos. Though for the past few years i have moved away from this, to "study" things.
My opinion on what needs to happen is that hip hop needs to finally integrate more punk and HXC and rock overtones into its music. They are shy to do this but they are starting bit by bit. Punk and "white kid" music needs to merge with the black city stuff; then we will maybe have hope of a real American "exploited" band IMHO. I know I said i was annoyed by hip hop and I am, but you'd be surprised how this is sometimes happening in certain areas of that genre, wich is one i tend to study most now, to listen to the "heartbeat of the people". I grew up with 90s rap and early 00s rap..it was very ghetto then and radically unaware of any other music genres and i despised it. These days it has changed dramatically with the new rappers. Some are becoming "slightly" politicized. Also the female rappers are becoming VERY supportive of LGBT movements. This was unheard of in the 90s and 00s, which was a major reason I gravitated, as a child then, to punk rock instead, even though it was 20 years old by that point....
To show you how HXC/punk is sorta starting to mix with rap, i recommend this fantastic video from this band with Ice T... "Body Count -- No Lives Matter".
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Monday, February 26, 2018
When a white creates a black character: the challenge
The difficulty of writing about black people and/or creating good black characters, when you're white
As a writer, I quite honestly think that creating black characters might be one of my biggest, and most stressful challenges. At times, I'm not going to lie, I have started to think it has downright ruined me as a scribbler, or at least, my ability to write stories from my own perspective, as an American in 2018, living in a rather densely populated multicultural city, thats about 65% black.
Why is this? It is simple: Writing about black people and especially creating black characters is not something that white people seem to have often done, in the past, in terms of much literature. For the most part, the vast amount of literary history is fairly void of the black versus white "drama" that I have lived with and been heavily aware of, my entire life, as an American. The list, for example, of novels that feature an interracial relationship, is a very tiny list. The same can also be said about films , shockingly enough. I can literally count on one hand the number of films I have seen where an interracial romance occurs.
A lot of people often think that the result of the lack of black characters in films and books is --what else?-- immediately and always the result of a racism. I agree that it is probably 70% of the reason. However, speaking as a white writer, I also can't help but think that many authors might feel that same tinge of discomfort that I have often felt, when trying to create black characters. In some sense, trying to create a character whose of a different race than you, is a bit of a loaded gun.
There is absolutely the idea in our society that this is not to be done, in my opinion, especially because, as a writer, you'll be putting words and actions into said characters mouth -- totally against their will. In some sense, to put it bluntly, the characters that a writer creates are almost maybe even a bit like slaves. After all, they don't seem to have much free will. I can make them do things no one in their right mind would ever want to do. Literally, I can have them walk up in the morning, aftre living 50 years as a normal person, and suddenly douse their wife in gasoline, and light her on fire, for no good god damn reason at all. Get what I mean?
Hence, if I want, I can go about writing legions of black characters who conform to every negative black stereotype thats ever been. I can also of course do this with, say, white southerners . Et cetera. Since people are aware of this power that a writer has, many times it has become the case in our culture that only certain folk should write for certain folk. In other words, only Italians should write films about Italians, only blacks films about blacks, only Irish films about Irish, etc. Speaking as an Italian, I would never cease to stress the major importance of a culture taking control of its own narrative (I would be very offended, for example, if it had been an Irishman, instead of Francis Ford Coppola, to direct The Godfather). Nevertheless, it's still inevitably the case that, as an American writer, if I want to write stories set in America, eespecially in places like where I came of age, i must be able to write black folks, Puerto Rican folks, and so on. Otherwise, I can't write stories about where I'm from.
Yet still, the barring of my full ability and expression as a writer goes somewhat onward. The discomfort is still there. I can hear the howls of despair, in some sense, every time I put pen to page. "Someone will inevitably tell me I have destroyed the good image of the black race, by creating this foolish black character who appears for one scene at this Sunoco gas station". I'm literally mortified, in a way, to write either good or bad black characters. But especially bad ones.
As a result of all this, its obviously the case that many writers probably just think its best to avoid the black character completely, or if they do decide to include them, what often might happen is that they'll create someone who is, perhaps, beyond moral.
Notable examples of this include a big slew of books that Stephen King, who lives in Maine (where I Have heard not many black folk roam), has put out. I have read many articles for years now, since I was a teenager in fact, about just how racist some people consider the black characters King has created, and keep in mind that many of them aren't even negative characters. They're merely, as the black director Spike Lee of NYC tells us, "magical negros". King seems to have a habit of creating black characters that do literal magic time and time again, often in the hopes of -- what else-- saving somebody white. In some sense, King, who generally writes his stories set in the real world and in the USA as a rule, uses the black character as a sort of wizard . This was most notably done in that film The Green Mile , which, although I know the main black character who gets executed is what Spike Lee calls a "magical negro", I stil lcannot help but love. The "magical negro" was also put to work in a film Bagger Vance, which I watched as a young boy (not by King), and which has to do with the most absurd plot imaginable, I now realize as an adult. The film is literally about a magical black ghost , played by friendly Will Smith, who keeps appearing to a white character, to ....help him achieve a higher golf score. The film is beyond ridiculous.
At any rate, the reader need not worry, because typically speaking, these are not the type of black characters I'm interested in creating. The truth about my black characters is that, more often than not, they're strikingly similar to the white characters I create. Whats that mean? Well, to put it bluntly, it means they are, yes, gangsters, criminals, tricksters, thieves, and abusers. They are not unusually moral characters, in the same sense that my white characters almost never are, either. They are people who have a trick up their sleeve, who can't wait to get paid, who are , again, devious, and looking to get as much money as they can, any way they can.
Now, naturally, when I tell my reader this, I'm not saying that all my characters are like this. Like anyone else, I too create good hearted, kind characters, who do kind things. This especially tends to be the case when I go off on my tangents and start writing JRR Tolkien style fantasy about actual dwarves and actual wizards in different worlds. But.... when I come back to good old American reality, and when I pull up the sewers and cities of my youth and even my today, where drug dealers, felons, domestic abusers, and addicts roamed far and wide, I can't really help but create characters the way I know they actually are, and the way I see them.
Therefore, bad people tend to come spilling out, and these bad people are of all types, shapes, colors, and sizes. The problem alas, as I explain, is that, after I'm done, I often want to change them all to merely being white --- or just never get started on them at all, because I'm so frightened of how I'll be told I've created some evil black character who, as I say, will somehow destroy the entire image of the black race and set race relations back 400 years. In a way, I'm actually almost convinced that my entire obsession with fantasy, and particularly with setting stories in other, faraway countries or places, is all because I'm mortified to address the black character, who is simply not possible for me to ignore in reality. If I write a story about VIkings, I don't have to think of it. I especially don't have to think of the dreaded "ebonics slang", which is actually another major problem for me as a writer. Especially when you consider that almost all of my friends growing up, white, black, Spanish or otherwise, spoke in. Where I come from, pale faced white girls from working class families used the ebonics slang as often as the black folk do. Do they say nigga? No, not necessarily. But they do use all of the other slang that is so often associated solely with the black folk. Words like 'ratchet" and "wylin" and "mo fucka". Words like "dis shit fire" and "you comin to scoop me in the whip, dawg?" et cetera.
Of course, once I'm writing, I feel a bit ridiculous trying to type in such slang. What on earth am I doing, I wonder to myself? Why am I writing like this? My mother would look at me and wonder what is happening. "I thought you were a writer, my son, and I thought that meant you would write tales of politicians and senators. Yet what is this? Tales of street thugs!"
After all, in reality, I never used much slang of any kind, though I always did use a few sparkles (and certainly vulgarities I drop constantly, as do most urban Italian-American men). Then however, I always remember the first man who ever decided to take the original black American slang to the page, far back down there in the past, in the 1800s. You might know his name, as it is pretty famous: He was called Mark Twain.
In some very bizarre sense, what Mark Twain did all the way back then in the 1800s, is still very much the case, somehow, of what is happening today. He wrote a character, black Jim, who is incredibly hard to read, not because of his intelligence, but rather because of how bizarre and "uneducated" his manner of speech is. Jim is, to put it simply, an incredibly confusing character, and perhaps even, if you are impatient, an aggravating character, to interact with. In some seriously bizarre sense, Jim is literally just as difficult to read, for some people at least, as it would be to read the words of ahighly advanced mathematician. Lack of knowledge and correct grammar, in other words, is actually just as difficult to work through, sometimes, as something very complex. This is because it has its own complexities and challenges. There is a scene in some Edgar Allan Poe short story, in fact, where he is also writing a black character who speaks the 1800s style "slave slang", and the main white character is desperately trying to explain something to the black fellow, who is his friend, and he gets , unfortunately, about ready to kill the poor fellow, because the man just can't understand precisely what he's saying. He wsa too uneducated. The main white character becomes impatient and frustrated. "Why can you not understand me! Why! I am speaking plainly." Alas, it's the year 1840 or some such time, and the black man has never gone to school, he has never read a book, and he was never taught any proper language.
In our culture, we look at this as all some frightening and terrible thing, which it was, but we also forget there is something simple and even innocent there at the same time. What is it? It's easy: It's merely another language that this black man spoke at that time. Thats all.
In other words, instead of thinking of how black Jim in Mark Twains book spoke as a "lesser version of english", why not merely think of it as another style of english, or even another style of language altogether? After all, is not the modern ebonics, in many ways, another language, which one must learn in ones own way? I doubt, for instance, that a 30 year old white lawyer fellow, would be able to write as convincing black slang as I feel I can, at times at least, since he probably hasn't listened to as many black songs and talked with as many black folk, as I have, throughout my life. It's actually pretty easy for me to write in black slang.
Tell you the truth, it might be easier for me to write dialogue like that, than it is for me to write "regular" dialogue! Yet still, the deep anxiety persists, that I have no business writing this type of dialogue, and that I will be defaming an entire population of people, if I allow myself to let these characters come to life, on my pages. And ...i just cant help but think all the time...if this anxiety exists for me, someone who has always lived in quite close proximity to black American culture, then how on earth must it feel for those writers who sit on Mount Olympus and have all that money?? You see what i mean??? When I thikn of this, I am not surprised that black characters don't pop up on our screens or in our books more often, as i write. I can sense the anxiety that these wealthier people feel. They are not excluding black folk because they hate the, and nor are they, as Stephen King did, turning them into rathe ridiculous characters when they include them, because they are racist. They are, in my opinion, doing all of this because of this anxiety. "Who am I to write a good, or bad, or any black character? Who am I?"
As a writer, I quite honestly think that creating black characters might be one of my biggest, and most stressful challenges. At times, I'm not going to lie, I have started to think it has downright ruined me as a scribbler, or at least, my ability to write stories from my own perspective, as an American in 2018, living in a rather densely populated multicultural city, thats about 65% black.
Why is this? It is simple: Writing about black people and especially creating black characters is not something that white people seem to have often done, in the past, in terms of much literature. For the most part, the vast amount of literary history is fairly void of the black versus white "drama" that I have lived with and been heavily aware of, my entire life, as an American. The list, for example, of novels that feature an interracial relationship, is a very tiny list. The same can also be said about films , shockingly enough. I can literally count on one hand the number of films I have seen where an interracial romance occurs.
A lot of people often think that the result of the lack of black characters in films and books is --what else?-- immediately and always the result of a racism. I agree that it is probably 70% of the reason. However, speaking as a white writer, I also can't help but think that many authors might feel that same tinge of discomfort that I have often felt, when trying to create black characters. In some sense, trying to create a character whose of a different race than you, is a bit of a loaded gun.
There is absolutely the idea in our society that this is not to be done, in my opinion, especially because, as a writer, you'll be putting words and actions into said characters mouth -- totally against their will. In some sense, to put it bluntly, the characters that a writer creates are almost maybe even a bit like slaves. After all, they don't seem to have much free will. I can make them do things no one in their right mind would ever want to do. Literally, I can have them walk up in the morning, aftre living 50 years as a normal person, and suddenly douse their wife in gasoline, and light her on fire, for no good god damn reason at all. Get what I mean?
Hence, if I want, I can go about writing legions of black characters who conform to every negative black stereotype thats ever been. I can also of course do this with, say, white southerners . Et cetera. Since people are aware of this power that a writer has, many times it has become the case in our culture that only certain folk should write for certain folk. In other words, only Italians should write films about Italians, only blacks films about blacks, only Irish films about Irish, etc. Speaking as an Italian, I would never cease to stress the major importance of a culture taking control of its own narrative (I would be very offended, for example, if it had been an Irishman, instead of Francis Ford Coppola, to direct The Godfather). Nevertheless, it's still inevitably the case that, as an American writer, if I want to write stories set in America, eespecially in places like where I came of age, i must be able to write black folks, Puerto Rican folks, and so on. Otherwise, I can't write stories about where I'm from.
Yet still, the barring of my full ability and expression as a writer goes somewhat onward. The discomfort is still there. I can hear the howls of despair, in some sense, every time I put pen to page. "Someone will inevitably tell me I have destroyed the good image of the black race, by creating this foolish black character who appears for one scene at this Sunoco gas station". I'm literally mortified, in a way, to write either good or bad black characters. But especially bad ones.
As a result of all this, its obviously the case that many writers probably just think its best to avoid the black character completely, or if they do decide to include them, what often might happen is that they'll create someone who is, perhaps, beyond moral.
Notable examples of this include a big slew of books that Stephen King, who lives in Maine (where I Have heard not many black folk roam), has put out. I have read many articles for years now, since I was a teenager in fact, about just how racist some people consider the black characters King has created, and keep in mind that many of them aren't even negative characters. They're merely, as the black director Spike Lee of NYC tells us, "magical negros". King seems to have a habit of creating black characters that do literal magic time and time again, often in the hopes of -- what else-- saving somebody white. In some sense, King, who generally writes his stories set in the real world and in the USA as a rule, uses the black character as a sort of wizard . This was most notably done in that film The Green Mile , which, although I know the main black character who gets executed is what Spike Lee calls a "magical negro", I stil lcannot help but love. The "magical negro" was also put to work in a film Bagger Vance, which I watched as a young boy (not by King), and which has to do with the most absurd plot imaginable, I now realize as an adult. The film is literally about a magical black ghost , played by friendly Will Smith, who keeps appearing to a white character, to ....help him achieve a higher golf score. The film is beyond ridiculous.
At any rate, the reader need not worry, because typically speaking, these are not the type of black characters I'm interested in creating. The truth about my black characters is that, more often than not, they're strikingly similar to the white characters I create. Whats that mean? Well, to put it bluntly, it means they are, yes, gangsters, criminals, tricksters, thieves, and abusers. They are not unusually moral characters, in the same sense that my white characters almost never are, either. They are people who have a trick up their sleeve, who can't wait to get paid, who are , again, devious, and looking to get as much money as they can, any way they can.
Now, naturally, when I tell my reader this, I'm not saying that all my characters are like this. Like anyone else, I too create good hearted, kind characters, who do kind things. This especially tends to be the case when I go off on my tangents and start writing JRR Tolkien style fantasy about actual dwarves and actual wizards in different worlds. But.... when I come back to good old American reality, and when I pull up the sewers and cities of my youth and even my today, where drug dealers, felons, domestic abusers, and addicts roamed far and wide, I can't really help but create characters the way I know they actually are, and the way I see them.
Therefore, bad people tend to come spilling out, and these bad people are of all types, shapes, colors, and sizes. The problem alas, as I explain, is that, after I'm done, I often want to change them all to merely being white --- or just never get started on them at all, because I'm so frightened of how I'll be told I've created some evil black character who, as I say, will somehow destroy the entire image of the black race and set race relations back 400 years. In a way, I'm actually almost convinced that my entire obsession with fantasy, and particularly with setting stories in other, faraway countries or places, is all because I'm mortified to address the black character, who is simply not possible for me to ignore in reality. If I write a story about VIkings, I don't have to think of it. I especially don't have to think of the dreaded "ebonics slang", which is actually another major problem for me as a writer. Especially when you consider that almost all of my friends growing up, white, black, Spanish or otherwise, spoke in. Where I come from, pale faced white girls from working class families used the ebonics slang as often as the black folk do. Do they say nigga? No, not necessarily. But they do use all of the other slang that is so often associated solely with the black folk. Words like 'ratchet" and "wylin" and "mo fucka". Words like "dis shit fire" and "you comin to scoop me in the whip, dawg?" et cetera.
Of course, once I'm writing, I feel a bit ridiculous trying to type in such slang. What on earth am I doing, I wonder to myself? Why am I writing like this? My mother would look at me and wonder what is happening. "I thought you were a writer, my son, and I thought that meant you would write tales of politicians and senators. Yet what is this? Tales of street thugs!"
After all, in reality, I never used much slang of any kind, though I always did use a few sparkles (and certainly vulgarities I drop constantly, as do most urban Italian-American men). Then however, I always remember the first man who ever decided to take the original black American slang to the page, far back down there in the past, in the 1800s. You might know his name, as it is pretty famous: He was called Mark Twain.
In some very bizarre sense, what Mark Twain did all the way back then in the 1800s, is still very much the case, somehow, of what is happening today. He wrote a character, black Jim, who is incredibly hard to read, not because of his intelligence, but rather because of how bizarre and "uneducated" his manner of speech is. Jim is, to put it simply, an incredibly confusing character, and perhaps even, if you are impatient, an aggravating character, to interact with. In some seriously bizarre sense, Jim is literally just as difficult to read, for some people at least, as it would be to read the words of ahighly advanced mathematician. Lack of knowledge and correct grammar, in other words, is actually just as difficult to work through, sometimes, as something very complex. This is because it has its own complexities and challenges. There is a scene in some Edgar Allan Poe short story, in fact, where he is also writing a black character who speaks the 1800s style "slave slang", and the main white character is desperately trying to explain something to the black fellow, who is his friend, and he gets , unfortunately, about ready to kill the poor fellow, because the man just can't understand precisely what he's saying. He wsa too uneducated. The main white character becomes impatient and frustrated. "Why can you not understand me! Why! I am speaking plainly." Alas, it's the year 1840 or some such time, and the black man has never gone to school, he has never read a book, and he was never taught any proper language.
In our culture, we look at this as all some frightening and terrible thing, which it was, but we also forget there is something simple and even innocent there at the same time. What is it? It's easy: It's merely another language that this black man spoke at that time. Thats all.
In other words, instead of thinking of how black Jim in Mark Twains book spoke as a "lesser version of english", why not merely think of it as another style of english, or even another style of language altogether? After all, is not the modern ebonics, in many ways, another language, which one must learn in ones own way? I doubt, for instance, that a 30 year old white lawyer fellow, would be able to write as convincing black slang as I feel I can, at times at least, since he probably hasn't listened to as many black songs and talked with as many black folk, as I have, throughout my life. It's actually pretty easy for me to write in black slang.
Tell you the truth, it might be easier for me to write dialogue like that, than it is for me to write "regular" dialogue! Yet still, the deep anxiety persists, that I have no business writing this type of dialogue, and that I will be defaming an entire population of people, if I allow myself to let these characters come to life, on my pages. And ...i just cant help but think all the time...if this anxiety exists for me, someone who has always lived in quite close proximity to black American culture, then how on earth must it feel for those writers who sit on Mount Olympus and have all that money?? You see what i mean??? When I thikn of this, I am not surprised that black characters don't pop up on our screens or in our books more often, as i write. I can sense the anxiety that these wealthier people feel. They are not excluding black folk because they hate the, and nor are they, as Stephen King did, turning them into rathe ridiculous characters when they include them, because they are racist. They are, in my opinion, doing all of this because of this anxiety. "Who am I to write a good, or bad, or any black character? Who am I?"
Saturday, February 24, 2018
The Characters in the Franny book
So I've decided to do something a little bit different than normal. What is it? Well, I want to actually give a photo for the few lead characters I'm now writing in this book! I don't know why the idea came to me. Maybe it'll make it easier for me to keep going with it; or maybe it'll ruin it entirely. Who knows? I thought it would be fun though, so lets see what we get! (Keep in mind, I'm just pulling the pics randomly off of Google images. These are real people! But now they're going to be posing as my "characters").
In a way, you sort of wouldn't believe how hard it is -- i'm now realizing myself also -- to randomly choose a picture of a person you think your character might be similar to. The lead character, for example, who has still never revealed her first name, seems pretty smart to me, so it's kind of hard for me to imagine her as this "super sexy" girl, but at the same time, I always have to remind myself that some super sexy girls are incredibly smart, well-written, and well-read, so I could make her very beautiful if i want, without it seeming "not real".
As far as Franny is concerned, she has been painted as a real good looking girl for sure, and shes' not very smart and of course works at Hooters, but at the same time I can't quite tell just how "thug" or "ghetto" her style may or may not really be. The truth about a lot of white girls I knew who grew up in inner city areas was that, believe it or not, they didn't really dress like "ghetto girls". Usually, in fact, they just dressed like any "regular" white girl from the deep suburbs. Kim, for example, my ex, went to a 90% minority high school, but usually just wore Aeropostale outfits from TJ Maxx. I kind of imagine Franny is something like this, but she listens to way more rap music than Kim ever did, so I think she has a bit of a thug twist. She's also been described as having some tattoos. (KIm only had one on her ass).
I don't know. Let's see what you think!
So ya, as you can guess, this is Franny, and she does look pretty "thugged out" here, with her flashy gold necklace and her bandana. At the same time though, I feel this is sort of like a "weekend" thug act she has going on, so i felt it was pretty believable. She could take the bandana off, basically, and the chian too, and be right back to looking like a totally "normal" white girl, in 10 minutes, which is sort of the impression I keep getting from her. She rolls with the gangsta guys and shes been all around the hood, but as a white girl, she knows how to occasionally "code switch" when she has to, back into a "type" of whiteness, hence she has never gotten any tattoos in highly visible areas. Its also a big reason she didn't appear all that threatening to the stories lead character (even though she really might be rather threatening, in the end).
You might think this is the unnamed lead. You'd be mistaken! This is actually her youngest sister, Margaret, who goes to university in Rhode Island, and is currently about to enter into the novel in full form, since she's coming to stay with the lead in the house in Trinity , for "just 14 days". The girl telling us the story is dreading Margaret's arrival, not necessarily because she doesn't like her sister (she sort of doesn't) but rather because she's been creating big time lies about how she's living with a black man at the house. She told the family via Skype, in one scene I wrote yesterday, that she had a boyfriend, but she didn't say he was living there (they wouldnt' have really approved, it seemed) and she also lied and implied he was white.According to the lead, "Race was never discussed, at all, in my house. I have no idea if my parents are racists or not. And I'm fucking mortified to find out."
Margaret is a pretty unknown character as it stands now. All we really know about her is she's in the university, she likes to read horror stories, and she's a little geeky. This picture, same as the others, was a bit hard to choose. She's a reader so I figured I'd make her look a bit "Parisian", hence that cool scarf and the cute glasses. In reality, she might be a bit uglier than this ... (lol) ...but again who knows? Maybe she's hot as hell! I've certainly watched plenty of videos on YouTube of extraordinarily hot girls commenting on dorky books I Never imagined such fine women reading...so.... hey, again, what do I know? This is Margaret. This is her!!!
Here he is. Mr. Controversial, I suppose. Qualeek. He's buff, he's big, he's tall, and he looks like he might know a thing or two about "thuggin'" with all his tattoos and his 'sagging pants' (so sexy). This is the unnamed leads boyfriend. This is the guy Franny has also slept with (and who knows, maybe he's actually one of her baby daddies too, and they're just lying). This is the guy Franny herself purposely hooked the lead up with. And of course, this is the black man that the lead is so terrified her parents will go crazy and flip out about. Seems so ridiculous when you just look at the picture don't it? Yet here it is possible, to craft an entire novel and story, out of essentially the core fact that he is black, and the girls are white. Boom. The drama of the past two centuries. Absurd....but all too real, eh? So there you have him. Qualeek. What is in store for him/ (I don't think we're gonna fuck with the poor fella too much. The Qualeeks of the world got enough problems in reality ...I'll let him off easy inside this book. He won't go to prison or anything like that. Promise! But he might knock up the lead. Lol. Or maybe MargareT!!!?? Shit, that didn't even occur to me until just now. I guess its totally possible Margaret could start fucking this dude lol. The little innocent bookworm sister! Now that would be a pretty sexy twist wouldn't it?
There are some more characters of course, which I might add later, but none of them, as yet, are enormously important like the ones drawn up above. There is an ex from Qualeek, for example, and then there is also Franny's sister (still not sure she exists), not to mention all the leads other sisters (there are 2 more) plus her parents. Thats about the scope of it all though!
Oh wait, you know what? There is one more character I feel I should add. Someone you'd never expect. One second...lemme find a photo for the boy....
Who is it! Why, it's Uncle Bart of course, the lead's Uncle Bart. He's not actually still living when the story begins, but his death is the whole reason the girl telling the tale wound up in (or around) Trinity in the first place. Uncle Bart was the beloved 95 year old uncle of the lead's father, he was a World War 2 veteran et cetera, and he lived in the house in Trinity for "a thousand years". When he died, he left it to the father. The father was going to rent it out and be a landlord, but then , due to something the girl did, (we dont know what) he decided to let her move in there, and try to start trying to find 'herself' , 'on her own' , 'away from her sisters' etcetc. Uncle Barts house is filled with all sorts of goodies and, in fact, when the character first moved in, she even thought it was haunted by his spirit. At one point she tells us "...sometimes I think he's watching, and since he was an old white man, how do I know he ain't fuckin enraged I'm sleeping with this big black man?"
Yea. There you have it folks. Thats the story, so far. Gosh, I'm surprised how much I'm enjoying writing about present day reality, rather than Lord of the Rings type shit. I swear I feel like I'm writing the plot for a Lifetime movie or something. Really weird. But cool!!!!
In a way, you sort of wouldn't believe how hard it is -- i'm now realizing myself also -- to randomly choose a picture of a person you think your character might be similar to. The lead character, for example, who has still never revealed her first name, seems pretty smart to me, so it's kind of hard for me to imagine her as this "super sexy" girl, but at the same time, I always have to remind myself that some super sexy girls are incredibly smart, well-written, and well-read, so I could make her very beautiful if i want, without it seeming "not real".
As far as Franny is concerned, she has been painted as a real good looking girl for sure, and shes' not very smart and of course works at Hooters, but at the same time I can't quite tell just how "thug" or "ghetto" her style may or may not really be. The truth about a lot of white girls I knew who grew up in inner city areas was that, believe it or not, they didn't really dress like "ghetto girls". Usually, in fact, they just dressed like any "regular" white girl from the deep suburbs. Kim, for example, my ex, went to a 90% minority high school, but usually just wore Aeropostale outfits from TJ Maxx. I kind of imagine Franny is something like this, but she listens to way more rap music than Kim ever did, so I think she has a bit of a thug twist. She's also been described as having some tattoos. (KIm only had one on her ass).
I don't know. Let's see what you think!
Franny McAllister...birthplace: Trinity... Occupation: Hooter's Waitress....Favorite song: Trina--Da Baddest Bytch... Kids: 3.... Baby Daddies: 3
So ya, as you can guess, this is Franny, and she does look pretty "thugged out" here, with her flashy gold necklace and her bandana. At the same time though, I feel this is sort of like a "weekend" thug act she has going on, so i felt it was pretty believable. She could take the bandana off, basically, and the chian too, and be right back to looking like a totally "normal" white girl, in 10 minutes, which is sort of the impression I keep getting from her. She rolls with the gangsta guys and shes been all around the hood, but as a white girl, she knows how to occasionally "code switch" when she has to, back into a "type" of whiteness, hence she has never gotten any tattoos in highly visible areas. Its also a big reason she didn't appear all that threatening to the stories lead character (even though she really might be rather threatening, in the end).
Margaret Snyder.... birthplace: Small mountain town, Vermont....Occupation: University Student...Favorite Song: Bright Eyes -- A Perfect Sonnet... Kids: No... Baby Daddies: Hardly ever even heard of them
You might think this is the unnamed lead. You'd be mistaken! This is actually her youngest sister, Margaret, who goes to university in Rhode Island, and is currently about to enter into the novel in full form, since she's coming to stay with the lead in the house in Trinity , for "just 14 days". The girl telling us the story is dreading Margaret's arrival, not necessarily because she doesn't like her sister (she sort of doesn't) but rather because she's been creating big time lies about how she's living with a black man at the house. She told the family via Skype, in one scene I wrote yesterday, that she had a boyfriend, but she didn't say he was living there (they wouldnt' have really approved, it seemed) and she also lied and implied he was white.According to the lead, "Race was never discussed, at all, in my house. I have no idea if my parents are racists or not. And I'm fucking mortified to find out."
Margaret is a pretty unknown character as it stands now. All we really know about her is she's in the university, she likes to read horror stories, and she's a little geeky. This picture, same as the others, was a bit hard to choose. She's a reader so I figured I'd make her look a bit "Parisian", hence that cool scarf and the cute glasses. In reality, she might be a bit uglier than this ... (lol) ...but again who knows? Maybe she's hot as hell! I've certainly watched plenty of videos on YouTube of extraordinarily hot girls commenting on dorky books I Never imagined such fine women reading...so.... hey, again, what do I know? This is Margaret. This is her!!!
Qualeek Redwell ... birthplace: Trinity....Occupation: Unknown....Favorite Song: Future- All da Smoke... Kids: "Dodged a bullet with my ex"....
Here he is. Mr. Controversial, I suppose. Qualeek. He's buff, he's big, he's tall, and he looks like he might know a thing or two about "thuggin'" with all his tattoos and his 'sagging pants' (so sexy). This is the unnamed leads boyfriend. This is the guy Franny has also slept with (and who knows, maybe he's actually one of her baby daddies too, and they're just lying). This is the guy Franny herself purposely hooked the lead up with. And of course, this is the black man that the lead is so terrified her parents will go crazy and flip out about. Seems so ridiculous when you just look at the picture don't it? Yet here it is possible, to craft an entire novel and story, out of essentially the core fact that he is black, and the girls are white. Boom. The drama of the past two centuries. Absurd....but all too real, eh? So there you have him. Qualeek. What is in store for him/ (I don't think we're gonna fuck with the poor fella too much. The Qualeeks of the world got enough problems in reality ...I'll let him off easy inside this book. He won't go to prison or anything like that. Promise! But he might knock up the lead. Lol. Or maybe MargareT!!!?? Shit, that didn't even occur to me until just now. I guess its totally possible Margaret could start fucking this dude lol. The little innocent bookworm sister! Now that would be a pretty sexy twist wouldn't it?
Unknown name...Birthplace: SMall mountain town, Vermont...Occupation: Unknown...Kids: "I never want any and I love birth control"
And here SHE finally is. You were waiting for her, huh? It's her! The unnamed lead. The girl who, so far, has been telling us (and me, most importantly) the entire bizarre story. Did you think she was gonna look like bad ass thuggin' Franny, the Hooter's Waitress? No way. Like, she's a sexy momma and all but she isn't thugging it, as I've explained. She knows she's hot (as you can see is evident in this picture, with that bomb flannel she got on, and her cleavage) but shes not a ghetto girl, just a Vermont chick who somehow made her way to Trinity.
There are some more characters of course, which I might add later, but none of them, as yet, are enormously important like the ones drawn up above. There is an ex from Qualeek, for example, and then there is also Franny's sister (still not sure she exists), not to mention all the leads other sisters (there are 2 more) plus her parents. Thats about the scope of it all though!
Oh wait, you know what? There is one more character I feel I should add. Someone you'd never expect. One second...lemme find a photo for the boy....
Uncle Bart ... birthplace: West Virginia...Occupation: American soldier (deceased age 95 years) ...Favorite Song: Perry Como -- Til the end of Time... Kids: ZERO.
Who is it! Why, it's Uncle Bart of course, the lead's Uncle Bart. He's not actually still living when the story begins, but his death is the whole reason the girl telling the tale wound up in (or around) Trinity in the first place. Uncle Bart was the beloved 95 year old uncle of the lead's father, he was a World War 2 veteran et cetera, and he lived in the house in Trinity for "a thousand years". When he died, he left it to the father. The father was going to rent it out and be a landlord, but then , due to something the girl did, (we dont know what) he decided to let her move in there, and try to start trying to find 'herself' , 'on her own' , 'away from her sisters' etcetc. Uncle Barts house is filled with all sorts of goodies and, in fact, when the character first moved in, she even thought it was haunted by his spirit. At one point she tells us "...sometimes I think he's watching, and since he was an old white man, how do I know he ain't fuckin enraged I'm sleeping with this big black man?"
Yea. There you have it folks. Thats the story, so far. Gosh, I'm surprised how much I'm enjoying writing about present day reality, rather than Lord of the Rings type shit. I swear I feel like I'm writing the plot for a Lifetime movie or something. Really weird. But cool!!!!
Friday, February 23, 2018
Interview 2
So I wanted to restart our interview from earlier. This time with a different question, however.
What's that?
Well I was reading some of your old work and I was thinking about plot. When you're writing , how important would you say plot is for you?
Yes the famous plot thing. I've written about it before. Many times. I don't really believe in plot. Or, at least, I don't believe in it, like it seems many people do. So many people have this idea of storytellers, and it's like they think we wait for these fully fleshed out ideas to come to us. I myself thought this too, before I ever wrote, when I was a teenager. The truth is its not that way. A story is , in my opinion, usually gradually revealed to people.
So you, like now with this story you're writing of the girl Franny, you have no idea how it ends for her.
None at all. I don't even know if there'll be an “ending”. I generally just keep writing until I find I lose interest with a character. To me this is the natural way of things. Honestly it sounds crazy, but ...to me, take a story like the real one I just lived with Becki. Well, let's imagine I never talk to her again, and let's imagine too, that becki has no social media (which she doesn't). The last detail I have of beckis story is that she was a struggling single mother of two with a troubled drug addict for a baby's father, and she was living at her parents house. She was in her 20s. If I never talk to her again, her story, for me, that's the literal close of it.
Unless, maybe, you know, 60 years from now you read her obituary or something.
Right, but maybe I'll be dead myself tonight. You get me? So I never go further with her story. Or maybe I live another 10 years and then I die, but she never contacts me again, to say sorry. For me, she'll always still be that struggling girl in her 20s, with very young kids. I'll know she's going on, and that she's aging, but since I won't know exactly how, it'll all just be an imagining. Well, that's how I think literature should be. But instead we all obsess over tying up ends. No one ever just leaves characters off, which is weird, cause in real life, that's literally all it is. Literally all it is.
Do you have any ideas for the Franny story , where it could go? Do you brainstorm?
A little. Not really. What I love is when details randomly pop out about characters, especially in conversations in the book. For example, this morning I'm typing it ,, and I have this scene now where Franny has cut contact with the still unnamed first person lead. And the lead is talking to the boyfriend Qualeek about Franny, and he randomly drops this major biographical detail about her, that neither I nor the lead knew.
What was it?
That Franny actually had an older sister, that they called “Melody”, cus she sang. Qualeek says she got locked up, however. A life sentence. And all of this was never at all said by Franny herself, particualely not to the lead.
So Qualeek could be lying.
Yes, or Franny could be. And that's what I love. I love how even as the writer I actually got no idea of the truth. I think people watch shows and think writers know all the details. We don't know either. I literally have no idea.
What did the sister do to go to prison?
Qualeek wouldn't say actually. He said not to bring it up, ever, should Franny return.
Wow. Which makes it seem all the more suspicious. Tell me, do you think you enjoy writing fiction based in the present time like this, or do you more like that fantasy and sci FI it seems you sometimes do?
Really hard to say. I have such an admiration for fantasy and I love writing it but sometimes I feel silly doing it and I just wanna come back to our own time. The problem with our own time though is...I gotta have characters who are limited just like me, by reality, by present day. Like, with the Franny story, the way it's been set up now, I can't really just suddenly decide she gets rich, stops working at hooters, and suddenly moves to France.
Well...I mean it does happen in reaity.
It does but it'd be preposterous. I think she might be stripping though. :laughs: like as a side gig.
Really?
Ya. Becki used to talk about stripping though she never did it. I knew some girls who stripped from the neighborhood here. They made lots of money. I used to think it was fascinating.
Well let me ask you something else. So far, the whole Franny story is written from the view of this unnamed lead girl. The suburban type girl. Would you start a new chapter now from Frannys view, whether first or third person?
That's a great question and very very tricky for me. I think it throws readers off and sometimes I think it seems cheap to suddenly change perspectives but I also think it might be an interesting way to tell a story. I might do it but it might be weird to see Franny from the lens of a “cold” author rather than this first person girl who has actually met her. I've found with modern characters in our own time, I have trouble describing them in third person. I don't know why. It's like, I can't describe some young character of the year 2018 in third person...it all sounds too serious. A fisherman from 1867 seems to make sense in third person. “ He looked out to the sea. A big ship was sailing on the horizon. The sun was about to set. In the woods he could hear screams.” But a young girl just seems weird.
Maybe try it. It could keep the story alive. Do you…:laughs: will anyone get killed?
I was thinking that the unnamed lead could be killed, actually. The one with the house to herself. Or she could be humiliated into committing suicide. There is a plot detail now supporting this: She has made sex videos with Qualeek that she's deeply ashamed of making..,,
If she killed herself, third person perspective has to take over.
Indeed. But it can seem so so cheap. I don't know. It starts to seem like a different story.
That's another thing I wanted to ask: How often is it the case that you have a few stories going at once?
Oh it's absolutely the norm. I don't know if it's good advice for a writer but for me I love it. When I first began, I was very adamant, about one project at a time. Then I became more focused on short stories so I began bouncing around. At this point, I'm writing in Ancient Rome for an hour in the morning, then I switch to a story like Frannys in the modern day. I'll literally write two stories in complete contrast with one another, one after the other.
What do you mean?
Like, I'll write a story about an interracial love, like Franny, and then the next one I'll write a Nazi killing a black guy. Because I'm like, I'm almost just, you know, to me they're just different stories. Do I enjoy Frannys more? Do I sympathize with her more? Absolutely. But I'm not gonna, like, pretend Nazis don't exist, either. I'll write them. They have a story. Skinheads were a major part of my youths consciousness, actually.
You knew skinheads?
Oh yea. A number of them. And on the internet they've been all over for years. They're shits-- but they have a tale all the same.
I think the problem would be if you portrayed thrm as hero.
Right. But what does that even mean? If I portrayed them as a hero? For example, if I wrote a story about a Nazi guy in prison, who kills a black guy and then escapes, and goes to South America...did I make him a hero? No I just let his story escape prison. Is that heroic? It's up to the reader. The point is it's a story. For example, I once said to my friend, a soldier who really doesn't like gays, I asked him “if I wrote a story about some gay kid, who changed into a straight, ‘masculine’ type man, after his father who hated him for being gay died, what would you think?” He said he'd love it. “They should make that.”
That would probably be seen as a controversial film, pressuring gays to be straight.
Right. But it's still a story is my point. Like, that has probably happened, where someone ages out of being gay, especially flamboyantly gay. So this guy was gay during his 20s, and his father was, say, a gulf war veteran, who hated him for it. Then the father drops dead . Maybe someone beats him to death. Maybe they kill him. Maybe he hangs himself cause he's so profoundly ashamed that he created a queer son. And the gay 26 year old is looking at the casket of this fsther he hated and sudfenly he decides, I wanna be straight, I wanna be the man he wanted me to be. Hey, it's a fuvking story. You don't have to fucking do it just cause the story exists. It's just one story. One assholes decision.
Your soldier friend liked it.
He did, and I told him, PC culture probably wouldn't. Yet I also said to him, afterwards, I said, if you want to see that story, then you gotta accept another story, where the reverse happens. You gotta let them all breathe. You gotta have a story where a football player whose oh so masculine sudfenly decides to become a trans, a flamboyant drag queen. I'm just saying, I think every story has to be broadcast, why not? And not every lead character has to be a hero. I don't get the hero stuff. Like, Rose in Titanic, she wasn't a hero to me. She was just someone I was watching! When I watch stories or read them, I'm not looking for heroes. I'm looking for atmosphere. I'm looking to understand some particular event in time. To see through different eyes. That's all. Seeing thru different eyes is all I care about. Hence, I wanna see through the white girl who makes interracial babies eyes, and then the violent Nazis, all at once.
You just wanna see it all.
Exactly. I think that's what good tale tellers should do. I mean, JRR Tolkien wrote from the eyes of elves, dwarves, hobbits, men, evil dark lords, everyone. I can't just pretend only hot white chicks with hot black boyfriends exist!
Well...you could….
I guess. And sometimes I do. But then I rememer I gotta make tragedies. Hugr tragedies.
(End)
Interview February morning
(Interview conducted in NYC, February 2018)
So it seems, from what I've read lately on your blog, The Old World Oracle, that you've been pretty heart broken. The girl named Becki has...driven you sort of crazy recently?
:nods: Yes. Quite. I haven't felt well. Sometimes i feel a bit..sick.
I find the relationship you had w/ her a bit bizarre, personally. For a long time everything I read by you was rather adamantly anti-marriage, anti-children, maybe even anti-nuclear family. It seems you were about ready to throw literally all of these ideas away, if Becki would have you. Is it truE?
I'm honestly not sure. I envisioned another style of life with Becki. I think I thought that together we could become rich or something. I read statistics :laughs: and it said married couples are richer. So i thought...let me try to marry her, let me see if I can. Maybe I'll get rich and then it'll be easier to write. Who knows?
But you could marry a woman? No offense but :laughs: you seem pretty queer to me. Do you identify as queer? Did she know you were queer?
I don't know. I once tried to tell her I felt gay and she accused me of lying to her. I went on with it for about 30 minutes, like really trying to come out to her. But then she said I was joking and lying and, I got so nervous, I just said yea, beck, you're right, I'm joking and lying.
So you identify as a queer, maybe even a transgender, as you often write?
Again I seriously don't know. I might never know. I feel like a woman but ... being trans seems like a major challenge, especially financially, that I'm not really willing to take on. As I've often explained, I live a frugal life. It's easy to live a frugal life. Especially as a writer. There is a quote from Gore Vidal I really always think of: "A writer only needs a desk and a typewriter, and maybe a view, and they're okay."
But Gore Vidal was a multi millionaire. He lived in a literal castle by the sea.
:nods: Yes. He did. But , you know, he kind of lived a pretty quiet life there. In the world he came from, Gore Vidal was almost sort of oddly modest. It sounds ridiculous I know, but the point is that he devoted his life to reading and writing and didn't often pay complete attention to the physicsl world. He writes this essay I really love where he comments on writers who try to become "worldly". He says , the more worldly a writer becomes, the worse he will be as a writer. It's very important, I think, to disconnect from the physical, as much as you can, in order to write well.
So to you, becoming trans would make you a bad writer? That sounds pretty nasty.
I think it might, but not because being trans is bad, but rather because I'd be so happy being trans, and being a "real woman", that what sense would I have to write? As it stands now, I'm terribly motivated by how far the entire life of a woman is from me, in my reality. In fact, when it comes to Becky, I really think I was so desperate to connect with her, because in her, I found a voice that I wanted to capture. I was determined to get inside Becky's head, to understand what had driven her to make these choices that, to me, to my male friends, seem so terrible. Shes very much, like, a sort of stereotype of a working class white girl , and... well, I just wanted to see inside her mind as much as possible. I think I accidentally fell in love with her, and started thinking i should marry her, just to slip even further inside. In some way, as a gay man, if I am a gay man, I was maybe trying to vicariously live through her. Even though she lived a pretty bad life. I was shocked by how close she let me get. Becky told me every thought in her head.
She seems to have had a major influence on you, yet still you cut her out of your life.
Well, I had to, becaus she ultimately ....as much as she let me in her head, she ultimately failed me, when she revealed how frightened she was, to see me in "reality". I guess i lost respect and admiratio for her when she did that. I always sort of saw Becky as so inspiring because she seemed like a woman who just, like, was sorta in control. I then started to become disturbed by her when I saw, for example, how obsessed with "submission" she was. As a poor person, I just think playing aruound with submission is kind of dangerous...i couldn't afford to be around that so often. As an artist especially. I need to be able to create and to create you need dominance.
How important, then, would you say friends or lovers are, for what you create and write?
Depends. Oftentimes i seriously don't think they're important at all, if you don't want them to be. Sometimes maybe its better for a writer, again, to just exist in an imaginary world of characters. Its easier that way, to come up with ideas. I think someone like JRR Tolkien really only had a few select friends. Imagine a writer like Tolkien with a therapist, even, talking bout his World War One trauma. It sounds absurd. Tolkien spilled all of that trauma into the Middle Earth stories and I think I like to try to have the same approach.
You work a lot with diary entries, which often sound like you're talking to a therapist.
Right. I believe mightily in the diary and also the so called "epistolary" form, i.e. letter writing. I think its a very good way to find stories . Oftentimes, if i try to do third person writing, I feel very blocked and can't write a thing. 1st person always flows though. Its easier to me. Even in terms of reading its easier. Every one has a different method to get the ball rolling. I use diaries sometimes. That story I posted the other day began as a diary, as a fantasy of being a girl, etc.
Did Becky know you wrote stories as a woman? Did she know all of that?
:Nods: I often mentioned to Becky that I wrote stories as a woman, yes. I told her I wrote erotica.
YOu never sent it to her?
No, never. It was embarassing. The stuff i sent her were poems and some paragraphs sometimes, fragments of stories. I never sent becky anything complete, not a single time. She didn't seem interested to me and I also actually think I Was frightened she'd steal it or something. :laughs: I have trouble trusting people. I don't know. She just....nothing sat right for me with her sometimes.
Would it ruin your life as an artist if you married her?
I have no idea. I said before, maybe, but maybe not. Maybe it'd make it better in the end. Who knows? I might veer off into regular stories if I married Becky, instead of the rather whacky shit I write now. I might write about married couples or something. Children. Healthy lifestyles! :starts cracking up: I wish she had been more intellectual, i suppose. She was very adamant about not choosing a side when it came to liberalism, for example, which angered me to no end. I'm extremely liberal, I don't care what anyone says. I don't care. FRee college, clear out the prisons, legalize the drugs, help the minorities, its the only way. I really can't stand Republicans. I admittedly fancy some aspects of "Republican culture", like cowboys and cowgirls, or even a state like Texas, I find fascinating, but .. I don't dig their idealism. I can't stand them. I am liberal. I identify as a feminist, even if I'm not the perfect one.
I think you should just have the sex change.
What!
Im just saying, its what I think. Stop being afraid. You're making excuses. It wont ruin your writing. It will probably make it better.
Agh. I ...don't make me uncomfortable. I'm staying a man!
Do you think there's a spirit in you?
A spirit of a woman?
Yes. Like you wrote in that story, Angelina's Soul.
Where I wrote about how I felt some dead girl Angelina, who died young, came in and possessed my body, taking over? Not realizing i was male?
Yes! that one. =)
I think it sometimes, yes.
So you're fighting the soul of Angelina taking over, just like the man in the book?
Maybe.
Let her win.
What kind of interview is this! I thought we were here to talk about art.
We are. We will. I'm sorry. Hold on a second, hold on. :grabs a caffe macchiato, and takes a sip: We will talk about art, music, artists. Tell me your latest opinion on Azealia Banks. You still like her?
Absolutely.
Hey, hold on a second, the phone is ringing, hold on.
[interview ends abruptly]
So it seems, from what I've read lately on your blog, The Old World Oracle, that you've been pretty heart broken. The girl named Becki has...driven you sort of crazy recently?
:nods: Yes. Quite. I haven't felt well. Sometimes i feel a bit..sick.
I find the relationship you had w/ her a bit bizarre, personally. For a long time everything I read by you was rather adamantly anti-marriage, anti-children, maybe even anti-nuclear family. It seems you were about ready to throw literally all of these ideas away, if Becki would have you. Is it truE?
I'm honestly not sure. I envisioned another style of life with Becki. I think I thought that together we could become rich or something. I read statistics :laughs: and it said married couples are richer. So i thought...let me try to marry her, let me see if I can. Maybe I'll get rich and then it'll be easier to write. Who knows?But you could marry a woman? No offense but :laughs: you seem pretty queer to me. Do you identify as queer? Did she know you were queer?
I don't know. I once tried to tell her I felt gay and she accused me of lying to her. I went on with it for about 30 minutes, like really trying to come out to her. But then she said I was joking and lying and, I got so nervous, I just said yea, beck, you're right, I'm joking and lying.
So you identify as a queer, maybe even a transgender, as you often write?
Again I seriously don't know. I might never know. I feel like a woman but ... being trans seems like a major challenge, especially financially, that I'm not really willing to take on. As I've often explained, I live a frugal life. It's easy to live a frugal life. Especially as a writer. There is a quote from Gore Vidal I really always think of: "A writer only needs a desk and a typewriter, and maybe a view, and they're okay."
But Gore Vidal was a multi millionaire. He lived in a literal castle by the sea.
:nods: Yes. He did. But , you know, he kind of lived a pretty quiet life there. In the world he came from, Gore Vidal was almost sort of oddly modest. It sounds ridiculous I know, but the point is that he devoted his life to reading and writing and didn't often pay complete attention to the physicsl world. He writes this essay I really love where he comments on writers who try to become "worldly". He says , the more worldly a writer becomes, the worse he will be as a writer. It's very important, I think, to disconnect from the physical, as much as you can, in order to write well.
So to you, becoming trans would make you a bad writer? That sounds pretty nasty.
I think it might, but not because being trans is bad, but rather because I'd be so happy being trans, and being a "real woman", that what sense would I have to write? As it stands now, I'm terribly motivated by how far the entire life of a woman is from me, in my reality. In fact, when it comes to Becky, I really think I was so desperate to connect with her, because in her, I found a voice that I wanted to capture. I was determined to get inside Becky's head, to understand what had driven her to make these choices that, to me, to my male friends, seem so terrible. Shes very much, like, a sort of stereotype of a working class white girl , and... well, I just wanted to see inside her mind as much as possible. I think I accidentally fell in love with her, and started thinking i should marry her, just to slip even further inside. In some way, as a gay man, if I am a gay man, I was maybe trying to vicariously live through her. Even though she lived a pretty bad life. I was shocked by how close she let me get. Becky told me every thought in her head.
She seems to have had a major influence on you, yet still you cut her out of your life.
Well, I had to, becaus she ultimately ....as much as she let me in her head, she ultimately failed me, when she revealed how frightened she was, to see me in "reality". I guess i lost respect and admiratio for her when she did that. I always sort of saw Becky as so inspiring because she seemed like a woman who just, like, was sorta in control. I then started to become disturbed by her when I saw, for example, how obsessed with "submission" she was. As a poor person, I just think playing aruound with submission is kind of dangerous...i couldn't afford to be around that so often. As an artist especially. I need to be able to create and to create you need dominance.
How important, then, would you say friends or lovers are, for what you create and write?
Depends. Oftentimes i seriously don't think they're important at all, if you don't want them to be. Sometimes maybe its better for a writer, again, to just exist in an imaginary world of characters. Its easier that way, to come up with ideas. I think someone like JRR Tolkien really only had a few select friends. Imagine a writer like Tolkien with a therapist, even, talking bout his World War One trauma. It sounds absurd. Tolkien spilled all of that trauma into the Middle Earth stories and I think I like to try to have the same approach.
You work a lot with diary entries, which often sound like you're talking to a therapist.
Right. I believe mightily in the diary and also the so called "epistolary" form, i.e. letter writing. I think its a very good way to find stories . Oftentimes, if i try to do third person writing, I feel very blocked and can't write a thing. 1st person always flows though. Its easier to me. Even in terms of reading its easier. Every one has a different method to get the ball rolling. I use diaries sometimes. That story I posted the other day began as a diary, as a fantasy of being a girl, etc.
Did Becky know you wrote stories as a woman? Did she know all of that?
:Nods: I often mentioned to Becky that I wrote stories as a woman, yes. I told her I wrote erotica.
YOu never sent it to her?
No, never. It was embarassing. The stuff i sent her were poems and some paragraphs sometimes, fragments of stories. I never sent becky anything complete, not a single time. She didn't seem interested to me and I also actually think I Was frightened she'd steal it or something. :laughs: I have trouble trusting people. I don't know. She just....nothing sat right for me with her sometimes.
Would it ruin your life as an artist if you married her?
I have no idea. I said before, maybe, but maybe not. Maybe it'd make it better in the end. Who knows? I might veer off into regular stories if I married Becky, instead of the rather whacky shit I write now. I might write about married couples or something. Children. Healthy lifestyles! :starts cracking up: I wish she had been more intellectual, i suppose. She was very adamant about not choosing a side when it came to liberalism, for example, which angered me to no end. I'm extremely liberal, I don't care what anyone says. I don't care. FRee college, clear out the prisons, legalize the drugs, help the minorities, its the only way. I really can't stand Republicans. I admittedly fancy some aspects of "Republican culture", like cowboys and cowgirls, or even a state like Texas, I find fascinating, but .. I don't dig their idealism. I can't stand them. I am liberal. I identify as a feminist, even if I'm not the perfect one.
I think you should just have the sex change.
What!
Im just saying, its what I think. Stop being afraid. You're making excuses. It wont ruin your writing. It will probably make it better.
Agh. I ...don't make me uncomfortable. I'm staying a man!
Do you think there's a spirit in you?
A spirit of a woman?
Yes. Like you wrote in that story, Angelina's Soul.
Where I wrote about how I felt some dead girl Angelina, who died young, came in and possessed my body, taking over? Not realizing i was male?
Yes! that one. =)
I think it sometimes, yes.
So you're fighting the soul of Angelina taking over, just like the man in the book?
Maybe.
Let her win.
What kind of interview is this! I thought we were here to talk about art.
We are. We will. I'm sorry. Hold on a second, hold on. :grabs a caffe macchiato, and takes a sip: We will talk about art, music, artists. Tell me your latest opinion on Azealia Banks. You still like her?
Absolutely.
Hey, hold on a second, the phone is ringing, hold on.
[interview ends abruptly]
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Frannys World
I'm cooking for my boyfriend tonight. I'm making him steak and peppers and I think it's gonna be something he really likes. I spent the first half of my day out driving around in the pouring rain, and then at 11:30 I met up with Franny and we went to the mall.
She was wearing this beautiful outfit I had never seen her in, and she said it was something she saw Rihanna wearing recently. She had a yellow paisley bandana tied around her hair and her ponytail was braided and hanging all the way down to her butt. So cute! We went shopping at a few stores in the mall and got high before and after we went in. Franny brought two really big blunts of hydro. She's dating this incredibly hot guy who sells the best weed. I was so stoned.
I bought a few things at the mall but not much. I got some cute pink earrings, some Tshirts, a big poster of Madonna, another one of Beyonce (I want to put it in the hallway or the cucina), and then I got some new heels from Charlotte Russe. I really like the heels and Franny agreed they were sexy as hell too. She's always making sex jokes which is why I love her. “When you're fucking Qualeek tonight you gonna wear them?” she said. “I fuckin love wearing my heels when I'm takin dick. I stick my legs high up in the air, kicking an screamin an shit. I love heels like just for that reason…”
“I do sometimes. Depends. Last night I was wearing these long socks and he loved them.”
“I bet you love Qualeek more than you thought you would. Am I right?”
“Ya. I'm real into him.”
“And hes really into you. Says it to Carmelo constsntly. Said it last night. I saw the texts.”
“Really?”
“Hell ya bitch.”
Hearing Franny say that of course made me like super happy. I'm surprised Qualeek likes me honestly but I'm glad over it. I thought he wouldn't dig me once he found out what I did to my ex but he apparently doesn't care. Franny told me he doesn't when she hooked us up. She said she told him everything thirty times and it makes no difference to him, “he just don't wanna talk of it with you”.
So I've never brought it up and I stay silent on it and that's how it is. For the most part we don't argue and everything is good. The sex is out of this world of course. Like literally out of this world. The other night he started saying he wanted me to let him film it. I said no. But then I did let him take a picture of me sucking him off. I wore a pink bandana over my eyes for the picture. He uploaded it to his Twitter . No one knows it's his Twitter though so who cares? I'll admit it was so hot.
When we were at the mall though, I was pretty surprised cause a man I never saw before came up to Franny and just literally slapped her ass as we turned a corner. It scared me cause I wasn't at all expecting it but Franny was cracking up. We went to this corner of the mall no one is ever at, and he leaned up against the wall and she just like fell into him and was hugging him for a real long while. I was just sort of standing there awkwardly. They didn't kiss on the lips but he was holding his hands on her waist and her ass and running his hands through her hair, saying how badly he missed her et cetera. I think she bought some type of pill off him or something, I dunno. He was black, like every man Franny knows, but not as black as her baby daddies or Qualeek. She said his name was James. She joked about giving him my number. He said he thought I was a beautiful white woman. I told him I'm with a man. “She's still new to Trinity.” Franny said. “This is probably like...shit, how many times you think you seen this mall, baby?”
I scratched my head thinking about it. “Maybe ..three times?” I said.
“Holy shit.” the guy said, “she is new.”
“Ya.”
After that we went to eat at a little coffee shop in the mall and then we went back out into the pouring rain to go find the car again and get started on getting Franny to work. After she quit the job at the diner two months ago, when winter was ending, because that fucking lunatic tried raping her, she got the job almost overnight at a Hooter's, but the problem was that they put her at a Hooter's really god damn far from here.
It's about 30 minutes away and since Franny doesn't drive Thsts a bit of a problem. I have been driving her twice a week (she gives me weed and outfits) and then she finds other rides the rest of the time. I think one of her baby daddies helps her out a bit, though she never says it. She swears she hates all three of the baby daddies and wants them dead but I dunno. The first one is in prison for half a century--I'm afraid to ask why---so maybe she really does hate him but the other two I think she likes and sees still. I sort of find her second baby daddy super sexy. Danez. Damn. I was looking at some pics of him a few weeks ago. He lives probsbly 15 minutes from my house. Really hot man and really jacked and almost even seems like he's famous or something. He's got like two videos on YouTube where he's rapping. He really looks hot in them. I never saw anything like it. The videos had views. “He's the only daddy who pays me any child support.” Franny said. “And on holidays and birthdays sends gifts, sometimes for all three of my babies. I should have stayed with him but he's got other bitches he goes with. I was too skinny for his ass. He likes big bitches. He'd like your ass.” she said. She always talks about my ass. She swears it's the first reason I stood out to her like I did, the night we met. “If you hadn't of been wearing those tiny ass tight shorts, I wouldn't even have seen you, bitch. But I did. And I said that's my new fuckin best friend right there!”
So ya. I had a pretty good day and I think I'm gonna have a good night too. Before I go cook I'm probably gonna get in the shower and take a long one. I got a waterproof radio in there actually (never had that at my old house) and I listen to all these new albums while I'm in there. That's another thing about Franny too , actually: the music. She gives me tons of music to hear and always knows a new artist. Yesterday she had me listening to this girl she said she met a few times, from Los Angeles, Pinky Taylor. Then today while we were driving she put her iPhone into my radio and we were blasting Azealia Banks, whom I'm fucking obsessed with ever since Franny showed me her. “Fantasea” is literally a fucking masterpiece. And now tonight when I get in the shower I think I'm gonna listen to this album just out a week ago by this Florida girl I found myself, Jazzanin. Franny said she made a rap album once a long time ago. I wish I could hear it.
I just lit up a big roachie of a blunt she left here the other night though. Gonna start getting undressed and find my way cross the house to the shower. Can't wait till Qualeek is home. Dreaming of that dick….
She was wearing this beautiful outfit I had never seen her in, and she said it was something she saw Rihanna wearing recently. She had a yellow paisley bandana tied around her hair and her ponytail was braided and hanging all the way down to her butt. So cute! We went shopping at a few stores in the mall and got high before and after we went in. Franny brought two really big blunts of hydro. She's dating this incredibly hot guy who sells the best weed. I was so stoned.
I bought a few things at the mall but not much. I got some cute pink earrings, some Tshirts, a big poster of Madonna, another one of Beyonce (I want to put it in the hallway or the cucina), and then I got some new heels from Charlotte Russe. I really like the heels and Franny agreed they were sexy as hell too. She's always making sex jokes which is why I love her. “When you're fucking Qualeek tonight you gonna wear them?” she said. “I fuckin love wearing my heels when I'm takin dick. I stick my legs high up in the air, kicking an screamin an shit. I love heels like just for that reason…”
“I do sometimes. Depends. Last night I was wearing these long socks and he loved them.”
“I bet you love Qualeek more than you thought you would. Am I right?”
“Ya. I'm real into him.”
“And hes really into you. Says it to Carmelo constsntly. Said it last night. I saw the texts.”
“Really?”
“Hell ya bitch.”
Hearing Franny say that of course made me like super happy. I'm surprised Qualeek likes me honestly but I'm glad over it. I thought he wouldn't dig me once he found out what I did to my ex but he apparently doesn't care. Franny told me he doesn't when she hooked us up. She said she told him everything thirty times and it makes no difference to him, “he just don't wanna talk of it with you”.
So I've never brought it up and I stay silent on it and that's how it is. For the most part we don't argue and everything is good. The sex is out of this world of course. Like literally out of this world. The other night he started saying he wanted me to let him film it. I said no. But then I did let him take a picture of me sucking him off. I wore a pink bandana over my eyes for the picture. He uploaded it to his Twitter . No one knows it's his Twitter though so who cares? I'll admit it was so hot.
When we were at the mall though, I was pretty surprised cause a man I never saw before came up to Franny and just literally slapped her ass as we turned a corner. It scared me cause I wasn't at all expecting it but Franny was cracking up. We went to this corner of the mall no one is ever at, and he leaned up against the wall and she just like fell into him and was hugging him for a real long while. I was just sort of standing there awkwardly. They didn't kiss on the lips but he was holding his hands on her waist and her ass and running his hands through her hair, saying how badly he missed her et cetera. I think she bought some type of pill off him or something, I dunno. He was black, like every man Franny knows, but not as black as her baby daddies or Qualeek. She said his name was James. She joked about giving him my number. He said he thought I was a beautiful white woman. I told him I'm with a man. “She's still new to Trinity.” Franny said. “This is probably like...shit, how many times you think you seen this mall, baby?”
I scratched my head thinking about it. “Maybe ..three times?” I said.
“Holy shit.” the guy said, “she is new.”
“Ya.”
After that we went to eat at a little coffee shop in the mall and then we went back out into the pouring rain to go find the car again and get started on getting Franny to work. After she quit the job at the diner two months ago, when winter was ending, because that fucking lunatic tried raping her, she got the job almost overnight at a Hooter's, but the problem was that they put her at a Hooter's really god damn far from here.
It's about 30 minutes away and since Franny doesn't drive Thsts a bit of a problem. I have been driving her twice a week (she gives me weed and outfits) and then she finds other rides the rest of the time. I think one of her baby daddies helps her out a bit, though she never says it. She swears she hates all three of the baby daddies and wants them dead but I dunno. The first one is in prison for half a century--I'm afraid to ask why---so maybe she really does hate him but the other two I think she likes and sees still. I sort of find her second baby daddy super sexy. Danez. Damn. I was looking at some pics of him a few weeks ago. He lives probsbly 15 minutes from my house. Really hot man and really jacked and almost even seems like he's famous or something. He's got like two videos on YouTube where he's rapping. He really looks hot in them. I never saw anything like it. The videos had views. “He's the only daddy who pays me any child support.” Franny said. “And on holidays and birthdays sends gifts, sometimes for all three of my babies. I should have stayed with him but he's got other bitches he goes with. I was too skinny for his ass. He likes big bitches. He'd like your ass.” she said. She always talks about my ass. She swears it's the first reason I stood out to her like I did, the night we met. “If you hadn't of been wearing those tiny ass tight shorts, I wouldn't even have seen you, bitch. But I did. And I said that's my new fuckin best friend right there!”
So ya. I had a pretty good day and I think I'm gonna have a good night too. Before I go cook I'm probably gonna get in the shower and take a long one. I got a waterproof radio in there actually (never had that at my old house) and I listen to all these new albums while I'm in there. That's another thing about Franny too , actually: the music. She gives me tons of music to hear and always knows a new artist. Yesterday she had me listening to this girl she said she met a few times, from Los Angeles, Pinky Taylor. Then today while we were driving she put her iPhone into my radio and we were blasting Azealia Banks, whom I'm fucking obsessed with ever since Franny showed me her. “Fantasea” is literally a fucking masterpiece. And now tonight when I get in the shower I think I'm gonna listen to this album just out a week ago by this Florida girl I found myself, Jazzanin. Franny said she made a rap album once a long time ago. I wish I could hear it.
I just lit up a big roachie of a blunt she left here the other night though. Gonna start getting undressed and find my way cross the house to the shower. Can't wait till Qualeek is home. Dreaming of that dick….
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
short piece on makeup...to be continued
I really love makeup. I wish I could wear it literally all the time. Unfortunately, thats not a possibility, not only because I am a "boy", but also because make-up is actually just plain expensive and I am too frugal to ever spend my (hardly existent) money on it. If I could though, I'd be wearing and applying make up all the time, because it makes me happy and it makes me feel unique. It also makes me feel extremely artistic, believe it or not.
Some people (like most of my close minded male friends) might think that I 'secretly' want to wear make up because I think that it makes me more like a girl or a woman. To be honest, I'm sometimes not so sure about this, however. On the one hand, I'm not ashamed to admit that I absolutely adore using make up in a way that makes me appear female , but on the other, I also think that interpreting make up as a strictly "female" thing is...well, pretty god damn ridiculous. Like I said, the chief reason I got started using make up had nothing to do with femininity. It was instead all about wanting to feel creative,like my favorite artists appeared to me, when they wore make up. In fact, one of the most inspiring early examples of make up use I saw, that always sticks out in my head, is when I watched videos of Bob Dylan -- of all people -- on the "ROlling Thunder Revue" tour, where he painted his face with white make-up. I thought it was fascinating and it reminded me of Ancient Greece or something like that, and i immediately, as an artist, wanted to integrate the style into my own stage performances. When I would imagine how it would feel, to not only be able to play my guitar, but to also be able to play it whilst dressed in a costume with face paint on, it would feel really incredible to me. I'd feel deeply engrossed in the "musician' character I so desperately wanted to play.
Therefore, as I tell you: For me, my interest in make up had nothing to do with females. That was all only something that came later, once I was wandering around in the make up room and I also realized how easy it was to use the paint to transform into someone who looked "female". Nevertheless, the fact remains: To me, something thats strictly female is a tampon or a pregnancy test or maybe a baby sucking at your breast. To put make up into the category of "strictly" female is a very big shame, because its a direct limitation of ones inherent "right" to express ones self through an art form. An art form is really all that make up ever was.
At this point in human history, to try and keep make-up as something solely for women, is completely the same as trying to keep something like the arts themselves, or an Ivy League campus, for instance, only for men. It no longer makes sense. I'll even go so far as to say that, if someone were to stumble upon this article 100 years from now, where I'm arguing that men shouldn't have to feel bad or like they want to be women, for wearing make up,, I bet it will hardly even be totally understood. This entire culture of people that, in our own time, are quite literally "terrified" of make up, is going to seem just as absurd as the culture of people in the 1800s, who were afraid of seeing a womans bare legs. In fact, you know what I honestly think will be considered scary, for the generations of the future? Some people might not like the idea, but I think it's going to be the way most of us dare to go out looking now, with the plain faces we have. Most people of the year 2018 would probably tell you that they find pictures of people from the 1800s or 1700s pretty odd looking. I predict this will be exactly the same for the future. They'll look back at our pictures, especially the pictures of men, and they'll be in shock at how none of us males used makeup. They just won't understand what everyone was so afraid of. If they do their reading of course, they'll quickly come to realize what one of the real big reasons was. Not surprisingly, its the same reason we used to be afraid of seeing a womans bare legs, even at the beach: Religion.
Some people (like most of my close minded male friends) might think that I 'secretly' want to wear make up because I think that it makes me more like a girl or a woman. To be honest, I'm sometimes not so sure about this, however. On the one hand, I'm not ashamed to admit that I absolutely adore using make up in a way that makes me appear female , but on the other, I also think that interpreting make up as a strictly "female" thing is...well, pretty god damn ridiculous. Like I said, the chief reason I got started using make up had nothing to do with femininity. It was instead all about wanting to feel creative,like my favorite artists appeared to me, when they wore make up. In fact, one of the most inspiring early examples of make up use I saw, that always sticks out in my head, is when I watched videos of Bob Dylan -- of all people -- on the "ROlling Thunder Revue" tour, where he painted his face with white make-up. I thought it was fascinating and it reminded me of Ancient Greece or something like that, and i immediately, as an artist, wanted to integrate the style into my own stage performances. When I would imagine how it would feel, to not only be able to play my guitar, but to also be able to play it whilst dressed in a costume with face paint on, it would feel really incredible to me. I'd feel deeply engrossed in the "musician' character I so desperately wanted to play.
Therefore, as I tell you: For me, my interest in make up had nothing to do with females. That was all only something that came later, once I was wandering around in the make up room and I also realized how easy it was to use the paint to transform into someone who looked "female". Nevertheless, the fact remains: To me, something thats strictly female is a tampon or a pregnancy test or maybe a baby sucking at your breast. To put make up into the category of "strictly" female is a very big shame, because its a direct limitation of ones inherent "right" to express ones self through an art form. An art form is really all that make up ever was.
At this point in human history, to try and keep make-up as something solely for women, is completely the same as trying to keep something like the arts themselves, or an Ivy League campus, for instance, only for men. It no longer makes sense. I'll even go so far as to say that, if someone were to stumble upon this article 100 years from now, where I'm arguing that men shouldn't have to feel bad or like they want to be women, for wearing make up,, I bet it will hardly even be totally understood. This entire culture of people that, in our own time, are quite literally "terrified" of make up, is going to seem just as absurd as the culture of people in the 1800s, who were afraid of seeing a womans bare legs. In fact, you know what I honestly think will be considered scary, for the generations of the future? Some people might not like the idea, but I think it's going to be the way most of us dare to go out looking now, with the plain faces we have. Most people of the year 2018 would probably tell you that they find pictures of people from the 1800s or 1700s pretty odd looking. I predict this will be exactly the same for the future. They'll look back at our pictures, especially the pictures of men, and they'll be in shock at how none of us males used makeup. They just won't understand what everyone was so afraid of. If they do their reading of course, they'll quickly come to realize what one of the real big reasons was. Not surprisingly, its the same reason we used to be afraid of seeing a womans bare legs, even at the beach: Religion.
poesia 2
le donne in quest paese non hanno occhi
vivono con buchi nei loro voti
il loro cranio non ha cervello
è solo una tomba
è una storia molto triste
ma questo è quello che
accade
quando scopri
un territorio
abbandonato da tutti gli dei
2.
su alcuni
letto di morte sporco
lei cadrà
abbandonato dagli dei
i suoi bambini
i suoi uomini
vermi e ratti
e serpenti
e veleno
versando dal
carne
perché?
è così semplice
ogni volta che lei
avuto una scelta
Ha fatto
il cattivo
uno
vivono con buchi nei loro voti
il loro cranio non ha cervello
è solo una tomba
è una storia molto triste
ma questo è quello che
accade
quando scopri
un territorio
abbandonato da tutti gli dei
2.
su alcuni
letto di morte sporco
lei cadrà
abbandonato dagli dei
i suoi bambini
i suoi uomini
vermi e ratti
e serpenti
e veleno
versando dal
carne
perché?
è così semplice
ogni volta che lei
avuto una scelta
Ha fatto
il cattivo
uno
poesia nel Italiano
un altra mattina sveglia nel paese sbagliato,
che fortuna,
guarda qui ho un bel maschio
che devo indossar sempre,
mi sono separato da Augusto e tutto gli altri
adesso son forzato viver con quest stronzi
che non sanno neanche un vero lingua
io sputo e cacchio su questa
terra
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Random movie idea
So I was thinking about death tonight, as I went out for my late night walk in the rain, and a pretty interesting idea for a potential novel/screenplay floated up to me: what if all death was, was just the immediate freezing, of the world, at that moment you died? I.e, if you were, say, shot in the head randomly, as you were pumping gas at a Shell station, and you died, at 3 Am, the whole world would just permanently be that exact minute you were shot, and everything in the world would be “paused” there, like a Blu ray. And when I say everything, I mean literally everything.
For example, let's say that while you were shot, there had been an airplane passing by overhead,about to reach the small airport near your home.
After you were shot and killed, but then got up again and “left your body” (having realized you were just killed), you'd still see that airplane paused, up in the sky, just sitting there. You'd also, of course, still see the people who were maybe pumping gas right next to you. A young girl with her head half sticking out of a backseat window. A Cadillac getting off the highway and turning into the gas station. A big tractor trailer, paused, with the wheel flaps as though they were in the wind, zooming by. And then too, when you ran home, let's also assume everything there was of course paused as well. Maybe you ran to the gas station,’for example, just to grab some potato chips and beer, during the middle of a night long session on World of Warcraft.
When you got home, you'd see where your friends had been stopped in the game, at the exact moment of your death. You'd run into your roommates room, or your wife's--whoever you lived with--and you'd see them doing what they had been, the moment the snipers bullet ripped through your skull. Your beautiful wife is in the kitchen with a baby in her arms, burping him, as she talks on a cell phone and stirs sauce with a spoon on the stove. You try desperately to get her to realize you're there. She can't.
In fact, when you touch her, you find her body is feels literally frozen, as though she's the one whose dead, and not you. It's impossible to move her. She's frozen solid, seemingly weighs a ton. You're able to move furniture, plates, cars, and other things, but not the people who were frozen. If a vehicle had a person in it, you can't move it. Only one that had no one in it when you died, can be used.
What would eventually happen, after days passed like this in the story? I think the dead character trapped in a “frozen world” would eventually have to meet some other livikg characters. But who? It could be anyone, I suppose. I imagine a scene where the dead character is falling asleep days later, following his death at the gas station, when someone comes upon him, and startles him awake. She saw him moving, and tracked him.
We will make it a woman and who will she be? She'll be someone else who died, I should think, and who has been going through the same weird frozen world as he. She's from a few towns over. She's been on foot for days, just wandering around.
“You're the first person I've seen, whose actually moving, in days. I'm from Wiltown. I..I think I died. I think I had a heart attack or something, sitting in my chair at home, while I was reading a book!”
“I know I died.” our main character will say. “I was pumping gas at a Shell gas station off the highway. Someone killed me with a sniper rifle!”
“Did you...see your body and walk away from it after?”
“Yes.”
“And then did you see everyone else frozen, doing exactly what they were doing when you died, like all these people and cars stil around us here?”
“Yes.”
Then they'll realize they're both dead for sure, and not crazy, and they'll start to love one another. They'll travel far and wide together through this frozen world. We could eventually even make it so that they do something ridiculous, like find a retired pilot who died drowning, and he ends up flying them in a jet plane all over this frozen world. This all just goes on for what, to them, feels like years and years, and eventually decades, but no matter where they go, nothing ever changes. Everything, no matter how far they travel, is always precisely as it was the moment they died, at 3 AM that one night. So , for instance, if they ever want to see daylight again, they literally need to find that dead pilot to fly them to the other side of the globe, cause otherwise they never could. All of the US is trapped in a permanent night for them. The entire american continent nothing but night, forever, in their world. And as for Europe, it's trapped permanently at 9 AM, forever.
It could be a cool movie. I'd like it if someone like Jennifer Connelly played the woman who finds the guy , and maybe for him, someone like Matt Damon or something, I don't know. Channing Tatum. I'm not really up on movie stars. I just think it'd be cool.
For example, let's say that while you were shot, there had been an airplane passing by overhead,about to reach the small airport near your home.
After you were shot and killed, but then got up again and “left your body” (having realized you were just killed), you'd still see that airplane paused, up in the sky, just sitting there. You'd also, of course, still see the people who were maybe pumping gas right next to you. A young girl with her head half sticking out of a backseat window. A Cadillac getting off the highway and turning into the gas station. A big tractor trailer, paused, with the wheel flaps as though they were in the wind, zooming by. And then too, when you ran home, let's also assume everything there was of course paused as well. Maybe you ran to the gas station,’for example, just to grab some potato chips and beer, during the middle of a night long session on World of Warcraft.
When you got home, you'd see where your friends had been stopped in the game, at the exact moment of your death. You'd run into your roommates room, or your wife's--whoever you lived with--and you'd see them doing what they had been, the moment the snipers bullet ripped through your skull. Your beautiful wife is in the kitchen with a baby in her arms, burping him, as she talks on a cell phone and stirs sauce with a spoon on the stove. You try desperately to get her to realize you're there. She can't.
In fact, when you touch her, you find her body is feels literally frozen, as though she's the one whose dead, and not you. It's impossible to move her. She's frozen solid, seemingly weighs a ton. You're able to move furniture, plates, cars, and other things, but not the people who were frozen. If a vehicle had a person in it, you can't move it. Only one that had no one in it when you died, can be used.
What would eventually happen, after days passed like this in the story? I think the dead character trapped in a “frozen world” would eventually have to meet some other livikg characters. But who? It could be anyone, I suppose. I imagine a scene where the dead character is falling asleep days later, following his death at the gas station, when someone comes upon him, and startles him awake. She saw him moving, and tracked him.
We will make it a woman and who will she be? She'll be someone else who died, I should think, and who has been going through the same weird frozen world as he. She's from a few towns over. She's been on foot for days, just wandering around.
“You're the first person I've seen, whose actually moving, in days. I'm from Wiltown. I..I think I died. I think I had a heart attack or something, sitting in my chair at home, while I was reading a book!”
“I know I died.” our main character will say. “I was pumping gas at a Shell gas station off the highway. Someone killed me with a sniper rifle!”
“Did you...see your body and walk away from it after?”
“Yes.”
“And then did you see everyone else frozen, doing exactly what they were doing when you died, like all these people and cars stil around us here?”
“Yes.”
Then they'll realize they're both dead for sure, and not crazy, and they'll start to love one another. They'll travel far and wide together through this frozen world. We could eventually even make it so that they do something ridiculous, like find a retired pilot who died drowning, and he ends up flying them in a jet plane all over this frozen world. This all just goes on for what, to them, feels like years and years, and eventually decades, but no matter where they go, nothing ever changes. Everything, no matter how far they travel, is always precisely as it was the moment they died, at 3 AM that one night. So , for instance, if they ever want to see daylight again, they literally need to find that dead pilot to fly them to the other side of the globe, cause otherwise they never could. All of the US is trapped in a permanent night for them. The entire american continent nothing but night, forever, in their world. And as for Europe, it's trapped permanently at 9 AM, forever.
It could be a cool movie. I'd like it if someone like Jennifer Connelly played the woman who finds the guy , and maybe for him, someone like Matt Damon or something, I don't know. Channing Tatum. I'm not really up on movie stars. I just think it'd be cool.
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Gay men are often rich: Why?
Gay men seem unusually abundant in the stratosphere of higher society and college campuses. Has anyone else noticed this but me?
All the brutish men that I am surrounded by, here in the USA's lower class , are all vehemently opposed to the gays, and yet, once you start meeting smart people, like readers, writers and scientists and all that, suddenly everyone is gay or knows someone who is. I once remember reading something from a woman, a college educated one, who had gone so far in college as to get her Master's degree or her Ph.D. (whatever the hell that is) and she remarked that she could never find a suitable husband, because all the men she met who had the same education as her , were gay. Or at least a good three quarters of them.
Why is this? i often wonder. Why are smart men gay in this society? Does it have something to do with the fact that, as the low class baboons in my town here would tell you, reading and becoming smart makes one effeminate and weak, "like a girl" ... or is it instead something else?
I think its something else, personally, and I think it has a lot to do with the inequality of women, actually. I know that my opinion on the gay movement, especially since I hail from the devastated (and very homophobic) working class as I keep stressing, is not wanted, and will perhaps be considered wrong by someone, but what I feel is that the inequality of women --especially at the higher levels of society--has led to the proliferation of gay men in said stratosphere. Basically, the way it works is simple: Just like that college educated woman with the Ph.D said it was difficult to find a man of her same "intelligence", the truth is that for men who have particularly intellectual leanings, finding a woman can be not just challenging, but sometimes downright impossible. There are very few such women to go around, just to be blunt.
This isn't because women are stupid, of course, but rather because, due to the inequality, women have often been trained to act stupid, or... they have just never been led int the direction of intellectualism in the first place. Catch my drift? They never even had a chance to be smart. Young women are often said to be beautiful, even if they are not , and are not often encouraged to sit in a dark room studying physics or science or literature for hours on end. This would seem like a very grim life for a young woman, don't you think? Usually young women are encouraged to mingle with the world, to get outside, to be physical, to see the sunshine. They tend to have a very pronounced sense of who they are in "reality", that a man -- believe it or not -- just doesn't often feel its necessary to have. Especially a man who wants to be the next Albert Einstein, discovering the Theory of Relativity.
Consider the fact that I have sometimes gone weeks without bothering to look at myself in the mirror, and you might start to understand what I'm saying here. The physical world for me, and what I look like, and what my body is, often means little to nothing to me. I'm reading literature, I'm studying history, maybe I'm doing complex calculus equations, I'm trying to finish this book about wormholes, I'm painting...whatever the case is, i'm not thinking of my body.
For women--especially middle class and lower class women who weren't dreaming of being astronauts and physicists-- i feel this is all very different. Unlike myself, these women weren't encouraged, at the age of 12, to sit inside and read the entire bibliography of HG Wells. Naturally, in our own modern time, some might have been, yes I get it, but the numbers don't compare to how many boys are encouraged to do the same thing.
Again, for a young girl to sit inside like that, reading, on a sunny day, there's something that almost seems "sadder", versus a young awkward boy. Just think, for example, of a pregnant woman in a 23 hour a day maximum security prison cell, versus a strong, masculine tattooed man. Who do you feel worse for - who seems more out of place to you? The woman, I do reckon.
Women have been raised to think excessively of their body, in a way that even those tattooed brothers of mine with big muscles in the prisons, oddly enogh, do not. Women are very much in reality, thinking of their bodies, from day one. In some sense, they appear to have a far more intimate relationship with it, than I do as a boy. This relationship with the body seems to function both physically and culturally, negatively and positively. Women bleed each month. I don't. Women have breasts that, so I'm told, ache and all that. I don't. Women are often showered with compliments that revolve around their body. They are considerably more likely to be noticed when they enter a room. Me and my awkward looking geeky friends, on the other hand, might as well have been ghosts, much of the time. It reminds me of the Bob Dylan song about heartbreak: "Sometimes I think no one ever saw me here at all." he says. In fact, consider the idea that I've been reading a number of male authors for years now, and yet still have no idea whatsoever what they looked like. Eveything I love about them is all the stuff that was in their head, nothing else. How often is this the same case for women? Rarely, in my opinion. From day one, they are taught to focus heavily on the physical. 9/10 of the important women I can think of in my head, I know extremely well what they look like. They are almost imrprisoned, actually, in the physical realm.
As a result of this prison sentence, the temptation a young up and coming woman has to skip out on studying physics on Friday and Saturday night, in exchange for a weekend at the club with happy friends, would seem much greater in scope, than it would for a young, oddball man who worships Einstein and Kip Thorne. After all, lets be honest: Even an ugly woman can probably experience much more success than a marginally attractive man, at a club, any day of the week. I think nearly every girl I knew in high school and college had a period when the club became a thing, even if only for a brief period of time. My geeky male friends, on the other hand, were mortified of the place.
And so, as I was saying before, what has happened as a resut of this is that many men, myself included, find many women rather intolerable, because they so clearly haven't read as many "physics books" as we have, and the idea of doing something like, say, marrying them, has become an unfathomable one.
It's not because they are women that we find them intolerable, however, but rather because most of them don't really have much to talk about with us, so trying to make them a prominent character in our lives, becomes a bit problematic. For well-to-do men who have university degrees and all of that, I think conversation and shared interests with their partner is probably pretty important, especially since many upper class people have fewer kids, so it's not like they have that detail to coalesce around and keep the relationship going for.
Therefore, you see, upper class men have developed this culture of homosexuality, at a far more rapid and pronounced pace, than any other social class. Are some people gay by birth? Sure, I'm certain they are. But is it also the case that I believe others are gay, because they felt rather limited in choice, and wanted a wider range of personality options? Yes. Absolutely.
I can personally confirm that I became interested in at least studying the gay lifestyle, after discovering that a number of my faovrite intellectual authors, from the upper class, like William Burroughs, Gore Vidal, Oscar Wilde, and others, were gay.
I saw that these men had been involved with the gay lifestyle not just for the sex, but often also for the intellectualism that it seemed many gay men share with one another. It was, admittedly, an extremely different perspective for me, when first I came across it. Many people in our own time seem to not remember the roots of the gay movement (Gore Vidal was one of the first openly gay authors published in the USA, For example) and they especially don't seem to remember how much more inequality there was, for a man like Gore Vidal to live around ,who was born in 1925. Imagine him as a young intellectual in the 1940s. How many highly intellectual women do you seriously think were around for him to talk with? I'm sorry, but they were few and far between. Ivy league colleges did not even start accepting women until it was almost 1970. Harvard, where Burroughs went to school, and where Vidals life work was sent upon his death, did not admit women until 1977. Who were they supposed to talk to from the womens room? What on earth were they supposed to talk about? These men, to me, seemed to gravitate towards a gay lifestyle in that time period, because they had a thirst for deep conversation , not necessarily just because of sex, as I say. Burroughs, for example, is almost downright impossible to imagine, in a room full of women from that time period. He literally almost seems alien.
Take a look at the low class again, however, and you'll see very quickly that they have hardly ever based their loving relationships around similar interests or conversations -- hence they don't really understand, as much, why the gay movement is so prominent as it is, in the upper class. To many a lower class man, a gay relationship sounds absolutely absurd, because men aren't considered physically beautiful, more often than not. Sounds funny, right? It is a big deal. When everything in your world revolves around the physical, and especially when your world is so grim and dark as the world of the working class is, why on earth would you not actively pursue something physically beautiful, like our society allows a woman to be, with all of her nail paints and her makeup etc?
Lower class people make their living, usually, by the strength of their body, which is all that they often have to get by on. The physical world is very important for them -- the abstract hardly exists-- and so they, naturally, put a lot of emphasis on it, and often choose everything based on looks alone,.
It's hard, you see, for an uneducated man, to find fault or become bored with an uneducated woman who has nothing of substance to say, in other words. He just sort of thinks this is how everyone is, by default. He himself doesn't have much to say either, after all, and beyond that, he doesn't even realize that there are women out there who can do calculus and all that. Many working class men I know seem to get into marriages with women, here in the trenches, almost expecting them to be helpless, as though they themselves are children. There is very little expected of a woman down here,in a certain sense, beyond looking good, fixing some food, and , well, you know, "keeping quiet". The idea that she should bring interesting conversation to the table is, again, literally absurd in the low class mindset. IT's not even at all expected, the way it so clearly is, in an upper class relationship. If anything, a lower class man would find a woman smarter than him, or even close to as smart as him, downright insulting. It's something he would actively seek to avoid, I should think, because it seems like she'd bring a lot of problems to the table.
As a result, women down here have even more reason to always continue what I call the "Peggy Bundy" act. They think it is in their favor, their parents think it is in her favor, and so the vicious cycle, of producing another generation of women who are taught to avoid books and go to the club, continues on yet again...
One might even, at this point, present the argument that the entire gay movement has all commenced in order to, maybe, finally balance things out, once and for all. The reason why is simple: The more gay men there are, the less likely it is for a woman to have anything to do at the proverbial club on the weekends. Therefore, with each generation now, where it seems more and more gay men are popping up, there are also more women who are not as distracted by being desired, or being called beautiful. Shoot all of this forward 3 or 4 generations, or maybe beyond, and what does it seem like you'll eventually get? Well, to me, it would seem like you'll finally arrive at a place where there are just as many awkward geeky women, who avoid sunshine and cute clothes, in favor of lab coats and dark laboratories, as there are awkward geeky men. See what I mean? Hope so....
---- 2018, ANNO DOMINO....
The last Pirate on Earth.