I would be jumping up and down--with tears in my eyes---tears of pure joy. I hate the hell out of this dude and, though i would feel bad if he died of some nasty disease, I think a nice "Florida style death" would just be the perfect ending for him. Mostly because he's always been such a smug little asshole of a dude, and his move to FLorida has pretty much upped his "smug" card by 9000. Since, y'know, he can't let anyone in the entire family forget, that he managed to save enough money, to move there.
What I find hilarious about the idea that Florida is 'good for retirees' thing , is the idea that, just by virtue of being in the South, people in Florida have their "death likelihood" shoot way up. And, of course, once you take in all the physical activities my uncle is probably engaging in now, like swimming in the sea, surfing (so I hear), and probably just waltzing around random places he hardly knows, the odds of his actually dying in some type of accident shoot fairly high. Especially when you consider that he's nearly in his 60s, and lived in the North his entire life, in a fairly urban, non-beachy area. This guy has absolutely no idea what he's doing, and he waited far too long to go and do it.
For example, I'll admit that, somewhere inside of me, there is absolutely a ting of envy, for the fact that he has moved there, but on the other hand, I can't help but feel this deep disgust. Besides the fact that I have always hated this uncle, why do I feel disgust for it all? Well, after thinking about it for a few days, i think the main reason is because I can't help but feel he just did this all far too late in life. You see what I mean? It's like...every holiday for years now..my uncle has sat there preaching at the dinner table, about how he and his truly insufferable wife Anna, will be moving to Florida, and every time he said it, i used to just always think "...why couldn't you have just fuckign gone years ago?"
He always talked so big about how he would eventually get to Florida, and now he is indeed there, but what the fuck is it all even worth when you're nearly 60 anyways? I'm disgusted, i feel, by the fact that this guy talked so loudly about it all -- but didn't do anything until "retirement age". He thinks he's so cool for moving down there, but it's just the state that is cool....not him. I don't admire what hes done. I would have actually admired him more if he stayed in the city here. Something would have been bad ass about that to me.
Instead, the way it is now, something about it all just wreaks of .. i dont know exactly... but it wreaks of something gross. Again, why wait your entire life to go there? Why wait literally 30 years? He would say because he had to make money. You could have made that in Florida 30 years ago, no? Could have tried to be a real Floridian.
Like i say, to me it all wreaks of too little, too late. The image of him down there is almost revolting to me. Maybe because here i am, at 29 years old, trapped, and there he is, able to do it. And you know he wants to inspire envy with it, as i say. He's the smuggest man on earth and, of course, he never sent out any invitations to anyone. Because he's an absolute cunt and he knows no one can stand him. Alas, i guarantee he will be here to harass us for Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. If not, I'll be sure as shit shocked. If he does start spending holidays in Florida i'll be extremely relieved of course. At that point my "envy" for his being able to live on the beach will be all but submerged under my elation over never having to bicker with him at Christmas again.
I don't know. I just think it's all so phony and, of course, so dreadfully mainstream. Is Florida a cool place? In some respects, absolutely! There's no doubt about that. But his decision to go there is so in lockstep with what "everyone else does" that it's actually rather conservative (just like him, a die hard Republican). After all, retiring to Florida is an immensely popular thing in this country. It's literally a sort of meme. And so naturally, just like he also bought the house in the ugly suburbs, just like he married the fat cupcake wife, just like he had the 2 obligatory kids, and just like he sent them to smug little private schools, and just like he always voted Republican, he now must do this next step in the dance of pure conformity and sameness. He must move to Florida! As have all the other Northern assholes who have a handful of dimes. What an absolute asshole. I really do hope he has some miserable swimming accident or other. I'm going to write it down on a slip of paper and take a walk thru the city and stuff the paper in some stone wall or other. That's how curses used to be cast in Ancient Roman times. I shall write "...damn this scumfuck man to hell, oh please Lord God..." then I'll write his full name , date of birth, etc. "Have a shark find him and rip his legs off."
Of course i suppose i should be grateful, as i say. If he had done something actually daring, like moved to California, or to another country (like, say, Italy, or elsewhere in hot Europe) i would have been so jealous that my head would have burst. Probably i would have gone and found him and shot him...heh heh heh. But instead he just moved to the FLA, and that state is fairly easy to mock, and once you put the beaches aside, not really that enviable for its quality of life, as i remarked earlier. Indeed, FLorida is basically a nest of snakes like any other "Deep South" state. It has an awful crime rate, health industry sucks, Republicans suffocate it, gun crimes are bad, job prsopects low, etcetc. Plus, from what i've read, its miserably hot in a way that is very different than California (or Italy). Of course, Uncle Gino is such an asshole, he probably does not-- or won't--realize this, until its too late. I won't be totally surprised if he winds up returning. His wifes parents did that after jut a few years, and then his wifes mother died a pretty miserable death in his house. I have always kind of suspected he may have murdered her. Mostly cus I knew he was enraged she lived with him, and then one day she took a mighty tumble down the stairs...and died. I have also sometimes thought he may have killed my grandfather (his father) too. Cause he thought he had money and wanted it. For all i know, he got it. He is a very, very sneaky and malicious man, my uncle. Beyond malicious. The biggest SNAKE in the game. On his deathbed my grandfather warned me "..he will put everyone against one another...he is full of evil.." It was creepy but i swear the old man said that! The old man and him never got along. Cause he's a prick!
I do have to thank him for one thing, however, if i can take a moment to do that. Whats that thing? It connects to my "ex" Jenny actually. I literally think i might have gone walking into a marriage with jenny, had i not known of my uncles horror story life. Thanks to him, and how miserable i have always seen he is with that fat shit of a wife he has, I realized very early on that life with kids an life with wives, no matter how much money you got (and they say he might have 1-2 million) ain't worth a good god damn. Better off a lonely bum. I got a better chance of getting to Florida that way, after all, long before I hit my 60th birthday. Shit, I could go there tomorrow, and probably be just as well-off as I am, right here, right now. Broke.
Now though, I'm kind of thinking of how cool life would be, if I had been so lucky as to have an uncle that was actually cool. What would actually cool mean? It would mean childless. Ah, god damn, if my uncle had been chidless, I can't imagine what an immense help he may have been for my life. He would have actually been worth something to me then, and i think thats what he never really understood, when it came to our broken relationship. For it's here and now that I'll admit that my uncle has tried - at times- to connect with me over the years, but every time he did, it was always so disgusting, because it was like he didn't really know how to play the "uncle" role. He only knew how to play "Father" -- and this made him worthless. An uncle with no children would have actually been an amazing relief to have in my life, and I do know a few dudes who got so lucky as to have that, but unfortunately for me, it wasn't in the cards. In fact, if my uncle had no children, I'd probably be plotting a move down to Florida with him right this very instant. We would probably be partying and drinking together. We would probably be best friends. Instead, he had his own kids,who of course despise him because he's their mean old daddy, and he's also trapped with that god awful -- and i mean truly awful--wife. So he is surrounded by rats and submerged. I suppose he probably realizes tis himself. His son, for example, appears to have no relationship whatsoever with him. Mostly because my uncle is not privately educated, but that prick son is, and he has become impossible to relate to for all of us.
At any rate, even with all my anger for this old prick, and my curses, and my hope that he will get eaten by a shark or a massive wave, I still penned some poetic song lines about him, or anyone like him:
He moved on down to the Florida sun
After 100 years, it finally got done
I suppose it felt like a battle he won
As he flew down, he felt he was a lucky one
He walked to the beach, he look'd at the waves
A million miles from these Northern graves
A million mile from the Northern slaves
There in Florida, he'll spend his final days
in the Florida sun
No comments:
Post a Comment