Occasionally I get the really frightening urge to message jen again and type im sorry and tell her I'm officially gay and I just wanna be her sister again and forget all the problems. A part of me wants to do it so bad and I feel like I'm being called to do it. Like even as I think of it I'm getting tingles thru my body. I want to call her phone and literally leave a voicemail saying I'm gay, that I only like men, that she don't need to worry. She thinks I just wanted to fuck her. It isn't true. I just want to write to her and tell her how gay I am. I'll show up outside her house literally flying the rainbow flag. It'd be such a relief to tell Jenny I'm into men like her. Totrured by my love for hot daddies just like her. But then if I told her I'd be exposed. She's not just some internet girl like all these others who know I'm gay and get all my make up pictures. She lives only a town away. She knows real people from my life. If I told her I'd be completely exposed and she isn't trustworthy. Especially not now that I've made her so mad.
Of course then I always remember that I already once tried to tell jen I was gay and she didn't believe me. I'll never forget the convo. I was in my bathroom texting her and it was probably in December or maybe November. I was trying to persuade her to let me over and I was telling her I really had no intention on sleeping with her. And then I said to her , you know what jen, the truth is I'm gay. I really am gay. I just don't date any men cause I don't wanna date but I only like men. I'm gay! And I thought she'd believe me but she didn't. It was like she was disappointed-- she didn't want to believe it. Cause there is a part of her that dreamed of me as being her man and that part didn't like it. She's not the only girl like that. In fact nearly every single girl whom I've told I was gay online, including the ones who've gotten the makeup pictures, have only expressed considerably more interest in me after this is all said. But she didn't wanna believe it. She said I was lying . I tried to say no. Eventually it ended and we never spoke of it again.
Yet imagine if I went ahead and did it all again in a much more severe way? If I sent her a long letter confessing how gay I am and have been for years and years, and that she was the only best friend I ever had. If I wrote that the only reason I left her life was cause I got so afraid to tell her I only dream of men and I hate myself for it. If I even added pictures of me in makeup to the letter and then made up a fake story about how I slept with my first man since the cut off. I'd write twenty pages saying how she helped me realize. How her absolute feminine strength helped me. The entire letter would be about me hating myself for being secretly queer but me thinking she's a real diva Queen. Basically it'd be a total 360 flip of my current masculine interpretation of this all, which is that she's a low life idiot who made poor choices and chased dumb dudes and deserves no pity and I'm above it . It'd flip that all on its head. In this new queer scenario, Jen is an idol to be worshipped and im her little sister twin who desperately looks up to her and admires her, no matter how mean she is to me. Im below her. Firmly.
I want to write her and tell her all of this -- the Princess in me does --- but I pray I'll never do it cause it'd ruin my life and probably lead to my eventual suicide. The sad fact is that jen Ultimately just isn't trustworthy even when it comes to something like this. There's no way of knowing how she'd react to it, and to me this is exactly what I mean when I tell you that Jenny really is just no fun. I might be wrong but I really believe a lot of girls would get this email and you'd be able to trust them with it. I really believe that. I believe they wouldn't use it against you and I think they'd definitely reply and be pretty supportive. I do not believe this of Jen however. In fact I think so lowly of her at times that, even if I wrote this gigantic confession, I bet she wouldn't even reply, and the fear that she wouldn't reply is so crippling becaus, if I went that far, and she still didn't, I feel like I'd descend into a psychotic rage over it all. Some idiot part of me is desperate for attention from Jenny. I don't know which part. I guess the part that's gay. This part of me is a moron fool...he justs wants to be her absolute bestie. The one she tells every thang to. There's a big part of me that wants to be nothing more than Jens bestie in this stupid life. I wanna give in so bad! SO BAD . MY BODY IS TINGLING. Jen is a fag hag. I wanna be her main fag. In many ways I suppose I already was.
But then of course the excitement dissipates (I shoot a load) and I come to my senses and realize something vital: Being jens fag was a short lived game and as I say it sucked anyways. It only feels more exciting than being the fag friend of the various girls online, cause she's someone whose got a house I can go to, but even that house is gonna be short lived the moment those kids are older. Not to mention she'll have a full time job she's gonna hate soon and then I just think the whole thing is Gonna blow over completey. We are not in our early 20s anymore. Life is going to begin to suck much harder now and its going to suck particularly hard for poor Jenny D….
Oh, yea, I’ll again tell you that being jens main fag sounds exciting but ultimately following that path would lead to my suicide, because honestly, even just talking to her as often as I did , almost got me there, to suicide, anyways. Like,as I write, I already sorta was her fag (without ever “really” admitting it) and it ended up sucking, cause she wanted too much from it all.
You see, the basic issue I had with Jen was that she had a pretty childish and conservative view of sexuality. To her you were either all gay or not gay at all, and it was also obvious that she had a rather imbecilic view of the baby daddies, as though she sincerely believed these guys were strong arming alphas who had never been defeated in any situation. She put everything in this ridiculous box -- herself included -- and could not fathom that, you know, not everything can be that neatly labeled…..
I find this all absurd of course… as the reality of my personality -- and most personalities -- is that they are always switching. This was unfathomable to her. She needed all or nothing with everything. Well fuck her! I'm not playing this insufferable game. It was depressing and her life sucked.
Was her life vaguely exciting in some way, from a gay boy point of view? Ohhh yah she got dick and fucked lunatics! So exciting! I saw the turn on of it and i still see it.
Ultimately that excitement was so painfully tiny tho, in comparison to the unreal scope of her very real and very scary troubles. Ultimately she's an imbecile even to me and, I might add, even to her real fag, who was a kid named Joey. Yes Jen actually had a real fag who came out to her when he was only 18 years old. She was 9 years older than him or something. And this kid was a real true fag ...he was out and proud, rainbow bumper stickers, worked at some hair salon, dated men, went to gay nightclubs and….would you believe that even he lost interest in her? Yes yea yea I think of it often. Even Joey lost interest because her life sucked.
Yes I have not really spoken of Joey until now, but he was actually another one who was also there the night that Jens 2nd baby was born, and he’s another one who, just like her baby daddy and just like myself, ultimately lost interest in Jens life. He was someone who knew her before i did (I’m not sure how long) and, from what i could gather of their story together, it seemed to me that Joey had entered into her life when he was still in the process of coming out. I vividly remember her explaining to a room full of people, one night when i was there, a’drinkin’, the story of Joeys coming out to her.
He texted her that he was gay, and he was shocked when she told him she “knew it all along”. OF course, remember: Joey was only 18 years old when he came out to Jen, and he really had yet to experience any part of the gay lifestyle at that time. So, the idea i get of it all, is that Jen was his first real fun “fag hag”, and he probably got a kick out of being besties with her,texting with her, and telling her all his little gay stuff (the same as I am occasionally fantasizing over). Eventually, however, it is clear to see that Joey completely lost interest with Jen because, once he actually came out to her and others, he dove right into the gay lifestyle, most of which revolves around incredibly exciting nightclubs and high fashion clothing, that could not be any further from Jens mundane life as a single mom rearing 2 babies. Like, Jens life literally looks like Wisconsin or Wyoming or some barren place like that, in comparison to the Los Angeles style nightlife, of the gay scene. It just looks so dry and shitty.
Each time i think of it, I cannot help but think that Jen thought she found a lifelong “fag friend” in Joey, and she was then later shocked to see that, in truth, he really had no interest in what, it is clear to see, she believes -- or at least, once believed -- to be her “ultimate female” lifestyle. For Jen most naturally believed that she had reached some sort of ultimate female peak by having children (hence should she not be the icon of all gays?) but what she didn’t seem to get (and i think is now learning) is that, even if many in the LGBT community wil never admit it anymore, the real heart of the original gay culture was a subversive slap in the face to child rearing family life. Oh yes, now the gays want to adopt children and get married and be normal, but that entire “I wanna adopt and be married!” scene is really, at this point, little more than a subculture within a subculture. Some readers might think that sounds offensive. Fuck them . I’ve done a lot of reading on gay culture, i know all the icons, from the old ones to the brand new ones, and the vast majority of them just ain’t the child rearin’ type. Hell, just look at Madonna. No one is a bigger gay icon than Madonna. Well, she didn’t have her first kid until she was nearly 40 years old, and her role as a parent is hardly emphasized at all, in terms of her legendary story. Gays are arguably the first childless people that ever were. The first ones to make childlessness cool instead of scary….
Gore Vidal wrote one of the first big gay novels -- The City and the Pillar -- and Burroughs was one of the first gay men on the US scene too. Both of their stories could not make for a bigger bomb of anti-natalist idealism. As for modern gay icons, like RuPaul and others, theres nothing that seems too maternal or paternal about them to me. And if you want to talk about gay icons like Beyonce, who did have children and made a great big stink out of it, just again keep in mind that those children are never seen nor heard from, when Beyonce is making her gay danceclub songs. They live in shadows. Beyonce might think of herself as a mother first, but to the world she is a mother last.
The truth, if you ask me, is that child rearing in general at this point -- i.e., even within the straight world -- is a subculture within a wider culture. The wider pop culture of 2018 is no longer at all interested in child rearing. It’s like Christianity: It used to be mainstream in the 1920s and certainly for many years and centuries before, but it is not anymore. Child rearing has literally become a subculturer, an offshoot of the mainstream, and not many people are too familiar with it anymore, believe it or not. Once they are, they are actually sort of sucked out of the wider culture and not heard from again. Hence all the grief on Reddit and various radio shows and in magazines, about how people feel like they arent “really living aymore” once they have kids. They’re still living; they’re just cut off from the main school of fish. Arguably, child rearing has been out of the mainstream since the 70s or earlier, in some very real sense. Most very popular movies and books do not speak about life from that angle. Songs certainly hardly ever mention children in a very real, serious way. I can vividly remember listening to a song like “Lord Bless my Child” by Bob Dylan years ago, and thinking how bizarre it sounded. People really aren’t into it, crazy as it sounds. Kids in songs are usually mentioned as a brief flashing line, if at all.
And, like i say, all of this stuff with young Joey the Gay Queen losing interest in her… I think it just wound up shocking Jenny, because its clear to me that she really thought that, even if her baby daddies wouldn’t be there for her, at least the gays would come lurking out of the closet to be with her. Yet even they - we - will not, because her life does not speak to that gay rainbow fun that is the real point of nine tenths of that scene.
I mean, let’s imagine for a moment that I did decide to scribble Jen the absurd “coming out” letter, and i did decide to send her pics of me in makeup...do you wnat to know what i bet would ultimately happen as a result of it, further down the old road? I’ll tell you: I’d probably wind up following a similar path to Joey, except I would be following it at nearly 30 years of age instead of 18, like he did. So I would have my little coming out experience with jen, and i’d get all charged up cause of it, and then , badaboom, within a few years, I’d probably just launch right into the real gay culture completely….at which point I’d utterly forget Jen, and her boring child rearing life. Get what i mean? I am already tired of her. I can already think of much more interesting “fag hags” to be friends with --childless fag hags. Ones that wear fancy jewels and actually party and go out regularly to get drunk and spend weekends in NYC and elsewhere. Wealthier fag hags who are probably creative and artistically inclined. Ones that dress, or at least try to dress, like the girls on TV. Ones who could help craft me to become the next David Bowie or someone at least marginally interesting. Ones who would make YouTube videos with me and do my makeup (Jen cant even do her own) and help me actually enjoy life.
Indeed, even as a gay chico, i can see no reason to be interested in Jen. She’s that dull. Isn’t it so sad?
Poor girl.
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