I really do think Jen was trying to purposely lead me to commit suicide. I literally think she got some sick joy out of what she did and that is the real reason she's upset about how I pulled myself away now.
I think she figured I'd play the game out to the deep end, when i'd be dead, and now that it didn't happen, where has her power gone? A part of me also believes that her ex was in on it with her the entire time. She and him were always fighting and I definitely think they mostly hate each other, but they also had such a sick bond between each other that, it wouldn't shock me, if she and him were both scheming to try and get me all emotionally twisted, so I'd kill myself in grief. I know for a fact that the ex didn't like me -- he was very jealous that i never accidentally had babies like he did (starting at age 16) -- and he was also jealous of what he saw as my "easy home life". To him my existence had never been troubled, but always perfect. Every fact that i myself saw as depressign about my own upbringing, he ignored and saw as enviable. He wanted my life, and even Jen commented this numerous times. So what do you do wheny ou want someones lif but can't have it -- or get it out of your head? I suppose maybe you make an attempt to end it. And i think maybe thats what he did.
And Jen, of course, being the snarky little rat she was, being someone who would literally smoke crack if this guy asked her to do, decided to play along, in an effort to make hm happy. So she roped me in and got emotional with me, made it sound like she loved me, like she wanted to go with me, etc, only to then repeatedly break me down the moment I would try to take it further. She wanted me to eventually lose my marbles over it and start getting passionate, which of course i did, and i swear, i often get an image of her "ex' just being there with her, laughing at all my crazed text messages as they were sent. I wouldn't be surprised at all if this was the case the entire time. The day i walked there, even, i kind of had a feeling he was in there. Someone was at least. Who? I'll never know.
Alas, I think now even he is depressed, because if he really was in on it, the game ended in a way he didn't expect. I find thinking about his reaction more comedic than Jens in a way because he never really believed me, for example, about the story I lived with my own ex Kim, years ago. Keep in mind that Jens "baby daddy" has a very intimate connection to the world of KIm: The first girl he ever had his baby with, was Kims younger sister by 3-4 years. Yes, thats right. It was Kims younger sister...and for this reason he knew very well -- or thought he did -- -the details of the relationship i had years ago with Kim, in 2006-2012. But one detail "Joey" always got wrong about me and Kim was that he seemed to intensely believe she left me, when in fact, I had left her. He believed this because of a stereotype he had of me: Joey was persuaded that i was some socially awkward nerd boy, and he found it hard to believe that I'd leave Kim, who was fairly good looking and even a bit popular then. In Joeys eyes, I had fought like a devil to maintain hold on Kim until the bitter end. I tried to explain to him, and even to snarly Jennifr,numerous times, that this hadn't been the case. "I left Kimberly." i would explain, "She tried desperately to contact me multiple times after i left her. I didn't want her anymore. Believe me, i would never go with her now, even if she begged...."
Joe never believed this. He thought i wanted back with Kim. He believed i was, like him, desperate for a woman in my life -- literally any woman. To Joe, i was someone who couldn't pull a woman but wanted one badly. Now, obviousyl, this is a bit true for all men: Every man has a certain woman he would like to pull but probably can't --- but when you're talking about all women, thats a different story. There is always someone for everyone, not necessarily someone for 50 years at a stretch, but certainly someone for a weekend, a month, or half the year, and Joey never seemed to understand that, for the most part, I just lost interest in women, throughout my early 20s. I find the idea of going with one annoying, mostly the same way I do now. The life of being in a steady relationship didn't seem at all enviable to me. It had been desperately annoying--- i wasn't eager to repeat it. Not with anyone. He did not believe this, of course. He thought i was desperate for love.
Hence, like I say, I feel he may have seriously set up Jen to do what she did, in hopes that my emotions would be so tragically wrecked, that i'd never come to the surface again. Just like he never believed me about how i cut off the "Beautiful Kim", he never believed I'd cut off Jen either, mostly cause it seems Joey himself -- for all his so-called male bravado and ease of getting girls --- never seems to be able to really give any of them cut. He's gotten himself stuck with two babies he can't afford after all.
So if he was really there, following it all, I think he's sitting there in just as much shock as Jen....
He sees now that some of us in this world really just don't give that much of a damn about love. We can and will dart off into the woods alone, to ride alone, even if it is painful for us. We will live with the pain of what is certainy heartbreak, rather than find out how dark the relationship can get. Joey always instead does the opposite. He rides the relationships, literally, into a ditch. He will take it truly as far as it can go, until there are no fond memories of the r-ship left at all anymore. No heartbreak. His first baby momma couldn't be happier to be done with him. She was ready to kill him last i heard.
Honestly though, for readers who might be wondering what motive Joey would have, in getting Jen to try and make me love her (beyond the idea he wanted to ultimately make me upset), just think of something like, y' know, maybe he thought it would make him love her more. Joey always seemed viciously bothered, for example, by the idea that he knew Jen wasn't very desirable on the dating market. He was an incredibly vain person and he wanted Pam Anderson basically, and though Jen was supposedly a "nympho", she wasn't really sexy, almost at all. Jen was pretty, but not sexy. She had next to no sex appeal, no ass, no real nice tits, and beyond that, as i said, Joe knew she had no hope of success on the dating market--and i think this drove him nuts. It wsa like he needed to feel her being pulled away from, in order to gain interest in her. So he enlisted me, in an effort to see if i would eventually try to steal her away. I never did... for 2 years...until he caught the strangulation charges...and then i felt bad for her...so i started....
But even then, my interest was short lived, wasn't it? So its hard to know if it worked for him. My ultimate dismissal of Jen, my refusal to call now, etc, it all might just be serving to make his interest in her completely plummet, further than it already has. I really think he's a mirror image of her in so many ways. If she is shocked and hurt by my refusal to call, so is he. He wants to feel like he's got a hot woman on his hands, a hot woman who someone will fight and growl over. I did do some growling, but i get the idea i didn't do enough for his liking. He was expecting a full mental explosion--maybe even a fist fight. He was expecting me to be in contact with Jen for years, i believe, until she or he made the decision to cut me out.
Didn't happen that way, Joe.
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