Not sure why but feeling a little melancholy about Jenny again and figured I might as well write a note of it and see what thoughts I find. Of course as I always say I can't believe it's almost the end of May now and I'm still sitting here writing about her. A moment ago I was also just looking at her private Instagram. When I first disconnected from her the post count said 510. Now it says 520. I wonder what the pictures she uploaded are. I could see them, I believe, if I really wanted, cause I think my sister is friends with her on Instagram. But of course I'd never ask. No way!
She still has the same default picture up tho and I'll admit I'm getting sick of looking at it. Maybe I'll stop pulling up her private Instagram page once she changes It. Could be years and years though cause I remember she had the other default frok the time I met her in 2013 until just a few months before the cut off. It's kind of weird because for about a month or something I hardly looked at her Instagram and basically stopped--- yet now I'm there again. Probably cause she messaged me I guess. I cannot write her. I just can't fucking do it. I'm so angry and disgusted by her. And I guess its weird cause now I'm disgusted by details of her story which never really deeply bothered me before. Like why did she date two guys who both went to prison and why Did she have kids with them too? It's weird how I never truly dwelled on that detail, or found it gross, until i cut her off. Now each time I get thinking I should cave and write her I find I pull that memory up. She's a gross pig you know...fuck her….
I really wonder if she can feel my hatred and disgust or if she is siting there and thinking that my cut off is more centered around just the one incident where she made me mad. Like does she perhaps realize that the real thing that's now keeping me away is mostly disconnected from that one incident/argument in January, and mostly tied in with how scummy I Ultimately came to see her life story was? I wonder if it's obvious or not. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I also wonder if she is talking with the therapist about me, or of course the baby daddy, now that he might be livikg with her or there again. Who knows what is being said. She could have spun a totally different tale than what happened. Knowing the real dark side of her now I'm sure it's what she did…
Another thing that is weird for me to think is how, even though it's now been literally 114 days for me without any contact whatsoever, it's actually now only been just 8 for her. Yes it's only been 8 days since her last attempt to contact me. I honestly don't think she wil again but then again I said that all the other times too and she still did so what do I know? It could be that the real big apologetic nuclear bomb is yet to drop from her. I could wake up one of these mornings and find some fucking 2 page letter in my email...maybe Even my real mail. God that would be a shocker and of course I would be mortified. I think for her at this point it's becoming a sort of game, perhaps, where some curious side of her just wants to know how much power did she really have on me? Just how long can her love spell last? In previous entries I wrote a great deal of this, and of how my ex girlfriend Kim Oftje waited as long as a year to contact me again, and I no longer see what Kim did as loving. I now jusr see it as her having been curious to see if she could again exert the same power over me after such an extended duration of time, and I believe this is ultimately the same thing Jenny will do. If she really contacts me a long time from now with some billshit apology I'll just see it(I hope) as a power grab, and stil not reply….
I must again train myself to think of other things same as I did before her dumb message came on my iPhone. Getting over people is a long process. I suppose I often just dwell on whether or not she's learned her lesson, which is stupid and pointless to think about but also on my mind. I know deep down somewhere that she regrets her actions and regrets losing me...the messagr confirms that...and I find serious peace in that thought. Relief. In my own way I hope I have made jen understand something about the human condition...as in...I hope she now realizes you can't just treat people like fuckinh assholes and expect them to permanently remain in your life. Jens whole problem, in the end, was that she always just assumed i was crying wolf when i would complain. She thought i woul dnever really leave, so she started to bully me a bit. I warned her on 10 separate occasions; she took none of them seriously. And then boom, a cut off finally happens, and contact is never gain made, even after 114 days. I’m telling you i know for an absolute fact that she is still shocked as shit each day….
But i dunno. I dont really feel well today and my allergies are starting to act up a bit now. My eyes getting all sorts of itchy and shit as they always do every spring. I have no money for medicine so i must suffer. Thanks Republicans.
Time to log off and lay down----
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