Diaries of Sadnes

I'm having another night where I'm sorta dwelling on Jen again. Tonight I'm thinking that it sort of sucks that I ever had to know her at all, cus it's like now I just have to be left with this permanent bad taste in my mouth, remembering her, and honestly, what the hell did I ever really get from her anyways?

I've had some serious scats in my life with friends, and naturally I've fallen out with not just many of them, but the majority of them, and yet... when I remember friends I fell out with long ago, the taste isn't (and never was) as bad as this Jen taste was. When I think of Leo, for example, who I fell out with at age 20, I get a bi uncomfortable, but i don't get bitter. Many of my memories with him are good. And, though i remember being mad at him once, I don't think it ever went on for this long. We fell out ,and then 3 months later, that was it. With most other friends, there wasn't even a real fall out. Instead it was just a "withering away". Even with Jen's "Baby daddy", who was the one to  introduce me to her, I don't feel such a bitter taste. I don't miss him. Not really. He just sort of passes in one thought -- and straight out the other.

For Jen, however, there's undoubtedly all this rancor and bitterness. I feel a real distaste for her that disgusts me, and when she comes to mind, it can often ruin my entire hour, or two ,or three.And I guess what i'm sort of wondering is, like, is this really a sign of Love, as some people would certainly tell me it is, or is it instead something else? Like, you know, a sign that Jen is , truly, a very bad person?

I really don't think it's love myself. I think she really is just that much of a profond failure of an individual. I think she is the literal definition of a traitor. This is the big problem. Jen didn't merely try to just be my friend and then piss me off in one argument. She didn't try to date me and then break up with me. Instead it's like she actively and purposely betrayed me, as though she wanted to be sure I would be left, for life, with this bitter taste in my mouth ,when I thought of her. In some sense, its like this is the only way she knew to get herself remembered. She couldn't operate in a healthy way, cause if she had I wouldn't be remembering her right now (so she assumes). So she instead had to do me all sorts of dirty -- and now I' mtrapped with this really awful memory.

And all I really wonder is....is her memory just as bad , when it comes to me? I don't believe its. Again, as i've always written, Jen is the one who both began and ended all of this here. She led me on to get emotions forher, and make me think she liked me, and then she proceeded to twist, turn, and tos me around. Only to now, 130 plus days later, continue to message me with this cryptic bullshit.

I think that, if Jen had stopped messaging me in January, or February, or even March, not long after I no contacted her, she might not have looked so bad. If, for example, she had just sent one quick goodbye text in Feb., or anything like it, My memory wouldnt' be so bitter as it is now. She didn't do this tho. She just keeps on sending these really inexplicable short texts, pretending as if nothing ever happened between us. And this, as I say, is what is building my serious dislike for her. The bitter taste in my mouth, which I have for her. It's like a form of harassment, as far as I'm concerned. She is harassing me. Maybe she always sorta has been. And I almost even think that, in a way, she was always sorta harassing Joseph too. Which sounds unbelievable and disgusting, since he might go to prison over what he did to her -- but I really think something more is there, that no one is seeing. I mean, Joseph has been with plenty of girls beyond Jen. He didn't get domestic abuse charges with any of the others. He had a child with another girl, from our hood, and never got domestic abuse charges with her. And they got into some prety mean fights. Yet he had this all happen with Jen.

Is it realy the case that its all his fault, or could it perhaps just be the case that something is also wrong with Jen? I don't dare imply that Joseph was justified for what he did. He's a piece of shit and an idiot, beliee me. I think he's a moron! I don't talk to him. But I also think Jen has played a seriously big role here. She isn't Missus Innocent. There's something downright mean about her. Again, as I say, she is sort of harassing me...I can't help but feel this.

Do I stil lfeel bad for her? Yes. Believe it or not but I really and truly do. Cause, like, I've literally just never acted like this with anyone in my life. I feel like I'm always a pretty clear and to the point person. Generally, I'm not undecided when it comes to my emotions, and its pretty easy for me to stay fairly "loyal" to a person. When I told Jen I wanted to be with her back in December and January, I meant it. I wasn't talking to girls behind her back. I wasn't just tying to sleep with her. I had no other motives. I just wanted to be intimate with her. She, on the other hand, always had someting sneaky going on. And the truth is that she also did this with Joseph. He cheated on Jen -- but do you know she also cheated on him? It's like they are just these two little sneaky asholes...maybe perfect for one another.

But anyways, I dunno. The message that she sends now, on June 5th or 6th, linking me to Kate Spade's suicide, it's just pissing me off. Like seriously. What the fuck is your problem Jen? JUST SPEAK PLAINLY. NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE SOME WEIRD FUCKING THING.

You know what I mean?

I don't know. I'm aggravted. Per usual. And Discord,by the way, isn't proving so fun as I thoght. Well, yes and no. I've gotten into some bad arguments on there too. Human beings just aren't any fun. Last night tho I roleplayed from about 11:00 to 5:00 in the morning so...that was pretty cool. Certainly unexpected. The Vampire Coven. Fun, fun, fun.