Well, speaking of the Devil, guess whose message I woke up to this morning, on my text messages? That's right: Jennifer. She sent me a message about 20 minutes before I woke up, but the message did not say anything. Instead it was just a link to a news article.
For all of 1 minute, I wondered, in pure desperation, what coud this news article possibly be? Could it have some meaning? Some type of "secret message" encoded in it, from Jen to me? Forgive me -- i know it sounds absurd -- but, we are talking about someone who i have not spoken to in over 120+ days here...to someone who, it is clear, seems to want to be in touch with me again, but keeps trying to find the strangest, tiniest ways to express that desire, with her cryptic messages. So yes i did think the link might be to an article that said something "powerful".
It did say something powerful of course--just not what I thought. What was it? I'll cut to the chase:
It was a link to an article about the fact that the designer Kate Spade has apparently committed suicide by hanging herself w/ a scarf. This is what Jen sent me. A link about suicide. After I had just written that article the other day, where i expressed i seriously believe she wants to mentally torture me until i'll commit it myself.
Now, before I go on, I do want to stop and take a moment to explain that her sending this article, in her mind, may have some backstory to it. Why? Well, it all begins with Mick Jagger of thE Rolling Stones, oddly enough. See, a few yyears ago he had a girlfriend, who was also a famous fashion designer like Kate Spade, and the girlfriends name was L'Wren Scott. An article came out about L'Wren one day announcing that she (just like Spade now) had killed herself, but the manner in which she did it, had sounded a bit peculiar: L'Wren had hanged herself with a scarf off a doorknob.
It was, i'll admit, a really strange scene to imagine. How, after all, does one really hang ones self off a doorknob? Especially one who is as tall as L'Wren Scott appears to have been -- a woman who, you'll see in photos, literally towered over Mick Jagger? The news of her suicide was thus very strange and I brought it up afew times, with a few different people. Almost all of them laughed when I would mention the doorknob detail. For they were confounded. Everyone was confounded. And of course, one of the people I had a sick laugh over this with was none other than Jennifer. Yes, Jennifer. I remember the afternoon she laughed over it quite well. We may have been on the phone or in person... i can't quite recall..as i've written before, my memories of her are always criss-crossed between phone realm and reality....
At any rate, the only thing I can wonder now is .... what the fuck type of joke is this to bring back up, all these months later? Especially in this state of things as we are now?
Like is Jen seriously a fucking psychotic or something? Could i really be the only one who finds the way she and I ended so sad that, y'know, it could have led to either of our suicides, in truth? And that now, at this point, it's not really too funny to make a joke abut something this dark? Why would you send something like this? About suicide? SHe and I both, in my opinion, have some serious depression, at least of some type. She and I both are a little "weird'. It's why we came together for so long as we did. It's why we related. It's why we became so toxically attached. Not to mention she's in fucking therapy! Why would she be sending something like this to me now, well over 120 days after I went no contact with her?
Think of it and remember, diligent reader: Jen has now attempted to contact me around 5-6 times, if I remember correctly. Two times through e-mail, then a few times thru my sisters phone, and finally, these last two times, through my own phone. None of the messages have ever been too revealing of her mental state, or how she might truly be feeling, over the fact that I cut her off and never spoke again. "What the hell?" ":(" "Just tell your brother I'm thinking of him..I miss him.." "I was listening to a song and I thought of you...you're missed...." And now this. A link to an article about Kate Spade's million dollar mansion suicide.
Anyone who would try to tell me this link Jen sent this morning at 11:30 is not cryptic is an ass! It is cryptic. She is so clearly putting suicide out onto the table --making suicide a thought in my head-- but suicide for whom exactly? For her or for me? Hard to say isn't it? Maybe it's more for her: After all, the two characters who have committed suicide in these articles now, have both been females, not males. Mick Jagger is the only male present in the story and ....he gloriously goes on surviving...
I don't know what to make of it, honestly. And now oddly enough, a hard rain just randomly started to pour down outside. I don't feel well. Maybe the heavy rain will make me feel better. My head feels all sorts of heavy ...clogged... i just don't get this girl....what the hell is she trying to do exactly? Why can't she just say what she feels? Why would you send a link about suicide in this type of situation? Am i just crazy or is it a bit fucking strange?
The other thing thats strange too, believe it or not, is that before I woke up to the message about Jen, I had a bloody dream of her. Yes! I know it sounds hard to believe but its true. I had a dream that I was at a table eating dinner or something, with her, her father, and some others, I'm not sure who. Maybe her brats. And Jen and her father were cracking jokes, in that obnoxious way they always do, about my town,insultng it and singing some weird song about it to me. Making big fun of it, as though their little idyllic suburb is better, etcetc. Someone passed me some wine and I was sipping it, looking at Jen and her father. The dream is fuzzy but man it was weird, and to think I woke up to a message from her... I'm just....beyond confounded.
She so clearly wants to start gradually sucking me back into that lair. She is enraged, like an old witch, that I have not given in, in all these months. As I have written numerous times, she cannot fathom where all the love I said I had for her, has possibly gone. It still exists Jennifer, but it just floats out into these notes I post online now. It just spews out like snot in sad conversations i have with random Colombians or Peruvians, with old friends....it is still ther Jennifer...just never reaches you.... thats all...
She doesn't seem to understand how absolutely obnoxious I find her game now, and how well I've mastered it too. Jen is the constant misleader . It's all she does. She just wants to lead me on, for reasons i can't understand, and she is now acting as though everything we said to each other, was never said. As though she never kissed me, or told me she wanted to marry me, or fantasized that maybe I'd be like a "father" to those kids. She is just trying to pretend that it all never was, and that we were simply friends, just very good firneds, who unfortunately had an argument.
I think she's with the baby daddy of course, too, and i think, if i message her, she'll be fast on the trigger to tell me that, knowing it will shatter me, and then too, also knowing that i wouldn't want to start talking shit about everything that happened between us. She's a conniving little brat is what she is, and its so sad, cause i thought she was cool, once upon a long ago, but she's anything but that. She is a total asshole and this message confirms it.
So Jennifer, nice link about suicide, but you will still not be getting a message from me.
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