If I walked all around town with a big old knife
I bet Rebecca woulda gladly been my wife
If I screamed and yelled, and said “you're a dirty bitch!”
Rebecca woulda said “I'll make you feel rich”
If I threatened and spat, and wove a web of hate and misery
Rebecca woulda said “I wish that man would marry me!”
But instead I was nice, and gentle and kind
So for me this woman did not have any time
I tried my best, to be sweet and polite
And now I have no Rebecca in my life
Yet I can't help but think , if ever again I try
To woo a woman, I'll surely tell mean lies
I won't be kind , I won't be gentle no more
I'll treat the woman like she's naught but a whore
And then I'm sure it'll happen quick
A guaranteed wife who can make me sick
I'll be like all the other men in this dead end town
Me an my wife, and our permanent frowns.
Saturday, March 31, 2018
Friday, March 23, 2018
The great themed bands
I like bands that tend to have strong themes. When I look back on all the groups that have survived for me, from my childhood until today , it seems that having a "theme" is the thread that runs thru each band that has successfully 'made it' and stayed with me, even now in my adult life.
Like so many others, I listened to just about every band imaginable when i was a kid, but so many of them seem to have fallen, quite sadly, to the wayside, once I grew older. Many became insufferably awful sounding, and on the occasion i do return, I find myself in total confusion, as to how I ever liked them. Many others, alas, have suffered that even more damning fate, of just being bands who never seem to provoke my interest beyond the one or two songs I remember fondly of them, from my childhood days. Bands that fit this bill include, but are not limited to, Something Corporate, Jimmy Eat World, Bright Eyes,etc. For some reason these bands only pop up for me time to time, in the chamber that is my mind... i don't think of them mch...
But now look at bands like, for instance, the Doors and the Misfits. In their own way, both of these bands seem - at least ot me -- to have very strong themes. They also seem to have unique style music that was simply never heard from again. No matter the time of year, both these bands here always take me to precisely the same place. Indeed, their music doesn't merely evoke emotion in me, but it actualy seems to supply an entire soundtrack for a very specific "place" and an "atmosphere". And what i find so strange is how the atmosphere these two bands evoke never really changes all that much, no matter what song you're listening to by them. This especially seems to be the case with the Misfits. Literally every song by that band brings you straight to "Horror Boulevard".
In some sense, the way i see it, listening to both the groups never ceases to be fun, because they bring you to a sort of amusement park, that literally only they can bring you to. Granted, the amusement park in both cases here, is a bit of a dark one, it's still its own park and it thus still begs the question: How come these two bands were able to so strongly cement this very particular theme -- but so many others do not seem to have been able to? For example, take an artist like Neil Young. When first i found him, Neil Young seemed like a promising artist who would have a wide back catalaogue, and who would be able to take me to a fun, familiar park, that i imagined would be a bit Indian themed, and very country, whilst always having rock vibes, etc. In the end, however, Mister Young mostly failed me. Why? Because his music was all over the place -- but not in a good way. Every album I found from the guy seemed tobe in a totally different balpark. After awhile, he became a bit confusing as an artist. The place he brought me to stopped being at all recognizable.
I'm not saying I'm a listener who searches for familiarity, but whatever Neil Young did, especially beginning with the 80s, just stopped working for me, completely.
Of course, the difference between Neil Young and the two bands I list, is right there in the names: Neil Young is a solo artist, and the Doors and the Misfits are both bands. Bands, it could be argued, perhaps need a theme, in order to unite the members, who might otherwise go a'wandering. Yet, even then, when we look at the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, we see that they were two major bands of rock history -- -and yet they don't really tend to have any marked theme, in the same sense that the Doors do. Both the Beatles and the Stones pretty much lived their musical lives, in a similar fashion to Neil YOung: You never knew where you were going to find them on any given day. The mood changed constantly. The Stones go from giving us 'seedy' rock ballads like "Gimme Shelter", a song full of war imagery, and rape, too, to then giving us "Beasts of Burden".
The band has no theme, no single subject matter. Jagger will literally sing anything he feels at the moment. Same as Lennon and certainly same as McCartney. In fact, Paul McCartney, who i listened to extensively years ago, is perhaps one of the worst lyric writers in all of pop music history, who has nevertheless earned himselff $1 billion dollars. I have never felt more inspired to write pop music lyrics, tahn i have after listening to McCartney, because he simply never says much of anything, at all. His instrumentation is wonderful, and always experimental, but his lyricsa re just ... well, i personally always felt you could tell he was struggling to find something to sing about. Like I say, he sorta did the same thing when he was with the Beatles: As good as many of the Fab Four songs are, they are often about unusually simple topics. This is a radical difference from the Doors, or even Led Zeppelin, who had pretty complex hits like "Stairway to Heaven". Imagining McCartney writing "Stairway to Heaven" is next to impossible.
The question thus becomes - at least for me -- "where did the bands with good themes find their themes?" Well, personally, after many years of examining it, and trying to find the origin, two different ideas have popped out to me. Here are the ideas: In the case of the Doors, I believe the entire dark and eerie theme of the band was discovered, initially, almost solely through Ray Manzarek's very haunting organ (an instrument, i always note, that was never really again seen so prominently in rock music), and when it comes to the Misfits, the theme seems to have been rather "artificially uploaded", from Glen Danzigs never ending obsession with ridiculous 1950s and 60s horror movies. Musicaly speaking, for example, the band the Misfits was almost downright terrible -- but the music almost doesn't matter,because of what Danzig did with those movie plots: He literally just did little more than "upload" those plots to music and...though this might not seem too remarkable, it was actually something that had never really been done before. In fact, its hardly still even being done today- -which is why the Misfits has remained a fairly relevant band, even years later. Same as the Doors....
In any case, I suppose i find both bands so interesting to obsess over, because they both did something that , both in their time and our own, still doesn't seem to be too understood or accepted in rock and roll. They not only both worked with specific themes, but they also seem to have largely sacrificed the idea that the songs should be written for "your point of view". This, in fact, is perhaps the biggest detail of all when it comes to both groups: It's almost as though they were forever performing with no real listener in mind. Putting a few specific songs aside, for example, I almost don't really "hear" or "feel" the 1960s audience of the Doors, when I listen to most of their most memorable songs. The band, especially with hits like "The End" and "Riders on the Storm", stands completely outside the era, in the best of ways. This is the same when it comes to the Misfits: There is no sense of the 1980s , nearly at all, in the catalogue. There is, instead, only a sense of this rather otherworldly atmosphere, that is essentially timeless, so far as I see it.
Basically, you see, by having such strong themes to their work, both of these groups have escaped the main bullet that sinks most bands (in terms of holding listeners interests) after even just 5 years time: They don't really bring on any strong sense of nostalgia. This is very important and its a very unique trick that very few artists ever seem to get away with. I'd say 95% of artists do not manage. As a result, most artists face the march of time down with only one real card in their pocket, that begs you to listen to them : "I'm a representative of the era... don't you want to find out what people listened to then?" This card isn't all bad, but mostly it just gets you a loop or two around the bands catalogue and then it is not good for much anymore.
As I'm saying with the "Themed bands" here, their loop never ends. My enjoyment and, more importantly, the very unique inspiration I'm able to pull from them, literally seems never ending at this point. The Doors especially seem to forever inspire a very specific movie that begins to play in my head, not only when I listen to them, but even when I Just give them a few spare thoughts, throughout my day. Again, as I said before, its almost like they are inspiring an actual "amusement park" to come to life inside the corridors of my mind. I see weird dark highways, hitchhikers, crumbling Churches and temples, odd snakes and lizards, the desert, Navajo indians...the list goes on and on. There are so many "mini films" within the music of this band, its almost maddening.Of course, more important than anything, almost all of the subjects the Doors inspire tend to stay somewhat near to each other. For example,though the Doors do occasionally inspire light hearted themes, with songs like "Love Street", they are still somehow always not far from the descent into the dark. Love Street for instance, basically just seems like one random off road, in a village of madness and darkness.
Now, however, after all this writing of theme, the question -- to me-- becomes this: How did these bands manage to find a theme, agree on one, and then actually maintain it, throughout years of performing, and is this even still really possible, in our own time?
---notes on muzak (unfinished)
Like so many others, I listened to just about every band imaginable when i was a kid, but so many of them seem to have fallen, quite sadly, to the wayside, once I grew older. Many became insufferably awful sounding, and on the occasion i do return, I find myself in total confusion, as to how I ever liked them. Many others, alas, have suffered that even more damning fate, of just being bands who never seem to provoke my interest beyond the one or two songs I remember fondly of them, from my childhood days. Bands that fit this bill include, but are not limited to, Something Corporate, Jimmy Eat World, Bright Eyes,etc. For some reason these bands only pop up for me time to time, in the chamber that is my mind... i don't think of them mch...
But now look at bands like, for instance, the Doors and the Misfits. In their own way, both of these bands seem - at least ot me -- to have very strong themes. They also seem to have unique style music that was simply never heard from again. No matter the time of year, both these bands here always take me to precisely the same place. Indeed, their music doesn't merely evoke emotion in me, but it actualy seems to supply an entire soundtrack for a very specific "place" and an "atmosphere". And what i find so strange is how the atmosphere these two bands evoke never really changes all that much, no matter what song you're listening to by them. This especially seems to be the case with the Misfits. Literally every song by that band brings you straight to "Horror Boulevard".
In some sense, the way i see it, listening to both the groups never ceases to be fun, because they bring you to a sort of amusement park, that literally only they can bring you to. Granted, the amusement park in both cases here, is a bit of a dark one, it's still its own park and it thus still begs the question: How come these two bands were able to so strongly cement this very particular theme -- but so many others do not seem to have been able to? For example, take an artist like Neil Young. When first i found him, Neil Young seemed like a promising artist who would have a wide back catalaogue, and who would be able to take me to a fun, familiar park, that i imagined would be a bit Indian themed, and very country, whilst always having rock vibes, etc. In the end, however, Mister Young mostly failed me. Why? Because his music was all over the place -- but not in a good way. Every album I found from the guy seemed tobe in a totally different balpark. After awhile, he became a bit confusing as an artist. The place he brought me to stopped being at all recognizable.
I'm not saying I'm a listener who searches for familiarity, but whatever Neil Young did, especially beginning with the 80s, just stopped working for me, completely.
Of course, the difference between Neil Young and the two bands I list, is right there in the names: Neil Young is a solo artist, and the Doors and the Misfits are both bands. Bands, it could be argued, perhaps need a theme, in order to unite the members, who might otherwise go a'wandering. Yet, even then, when we look at the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, we see that they were two major bands of rock history -- -and yet they don't really tend to have any marked theme, in the same sense that the Doors do. Both the Beatles and the Stones pretty much lived their musical lives, in a similar fashion to Neil YOung: You never knew where you were going to find them on any given day. The mood changed constantly. The Stones go from giving us 'seedy' rock ballads like "Gimme Shelter", a song full of war imagery, and rape, too, to then giving us "Beasts of Burden".
The band has no theme, no single subject matter. Jagger will literally sing anything he feels at the moment. Same as Lennon and certainly same as McCartney. In fact, Paul McCartney, who i listened to extensively years ago, is perhaps one of the worst lyric writers in all of pop music history, who has nevertheless earned himselff $1 billion dollars. I have never felt more inspired to write pop music lyrics, tahn i have after listening to McCartney, because he simply never says much of anything, at all. His instrumentation is wonderful, and always experimental, but his lyricsa re just ... well, i personally always felt you could tell he was struggling to find something to sing about. Like I say, he sorta did the same thing when he was with the Beatles: As good as many of the Fab Four songs are, they are often about unusually simple topics. This is a radical difference from the Doors, or even Led Zeppelin, who had pretty complex hits like "Stairway to Heaven". Imagining McCartney writing "Stairway to Heaven" is next to impossible.
The question thus becomes - at least for me -- "where did the bands with good themes find their themes?" Well, personally, after many years of examining it, and trying to find the origin, two different ideas have popped out to me. Here are the ideas: In the case of the Doors, I believe the entire dark and eerie theme of the band was discovered, initially, almost solely through Ray Manzarek's very haunting organ (an instrument, i always note, that was never really again seen so prominently in rock music), and when it comes to the Misfits, the theme seems to have been rather "artificially uploaded", from Glen Danzigs never ending obsession with ridiculous 1950s and 60s horror movies. Musicaly speaking, for example, the band the Misfits was almost downright terrible -- but the music almost doesn't matter,because of what Danzig did with those movie plots: He literally just did little more than "upload" those plots to music and...though this might not seem too remarkable, it was actually something that had never really been done before. In fact, its hardly still even being done today- -which is why the Misfits has remained a fairly relevant band, even years later. Same as the Doors....
In any case, I suppose i find both bands so interesting to obsess over, because they both did something that , both in their time and our own, still doesn't seem to be too understood or accepted in rock and roll. They not only both worked with specific themes, but they also seem to have largely sacrificed the idea that the songs should be written for "your point of view". This, in fact, is perhaps the biggest detail of all when it comes to both groups: It's almost as though they were forever performing with no real listener in mind. Putting a few specific songs aside, for example, I almost don't really "hear" or "feel" the 1960s audience of the Doors, when I listen to most of their most memorable songs. The band, especially with hits like "The End" and "Riders on the Storm", stands completely outside the era, in the best of ways. This is the same when it comes to the Misfits: There is no sense of the 1980s , nearly at all, in the catalogue. There is, instead, only a sense of this rather otherworldly atmosphere, that is essentially timeless, so far as I see it.
Basically, you see, by having such strong themes to their work, both of these groups have escaped the main bullet that sinks most bands (in terms of holding listeners interests) after even just 5 years time: They don't really bring on any strong sense of nostalgia. This is very important and its a very unique trick that very few artists ever seem to get away with. I'd say 95% of artists do not manage. As a result, most artists face the march of time down with only one real card in their pocket, that begs you to listen to them : "I'm a representative of the era... don't you want to find out what people listened to then?" This card isn't all bad, but mostly it just gets you a loop or two around the bands catalogue and then it is not good for much anymore.
As I'm saying with the "Themed bands" here, their loop never ends. My enjoyment and, more importantly, the very unique inspiration I'm able to pull from them, literally seems never ending at this point. The Doors especially seem to forever inspire a very specific movie that begins to play in my head, not only when I listen to them, but even when I Just give them a few spare thoughts, throughout my day. Again, as I said before, its almost like they are inspiring an actual "amusement park" to come to life inside the corridors of my mind. I see weird dark highways, hitchhikers, crumbling Churches and temples, odd snakes and lizards, the desert, Navajo indians...the list goes on and on. There are so many "mini films" within the music of this band, its almost maddening.Of course, more important than anything, almost all of the subjects the Doors inspire tend to stay somewhat near to each other. For example,though the Doors do occasionally inspire light hearted themes, with songs like "Love Street", they are still somehow always not far from the descent into the dark. Love Street for instance, basically just seems like one random off road, in a village of madness and darkness.
Now, however, after all this writing of theme, the question -- to me-- becomes this: How did these bands manage to find a theme, agree on one, and then actually maintain it, throughout years of performing, and is this even still really possible, in our own time?
---notes on muzak (unfinished)
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Watching FIlm Noir
So I've decided to do what I used to do, when i was younger, and throw the future to the wind.
Whats this mean? It means that I'm going to put away the obsession i had with watching "futuristic" or "progressive" plots, and I'm going to slip deep back into the old films, all over again, just like i did when i was between the ages of 17-24ish.
Why am I doing this? Its simple: By embracing the often painfully old fashioned plot lines of the old films (and not refusing them) I get one single - and enormous -advantage. The advantage should be obvious: Instead of having only one or two decades of film available to me, I instead have a half a centurys worth.
To some readers it might sound strange, i know, to some older readers it might seem like something thats never even occurred to them. They've been watching old film for all their lives. Who knows? But for many of us younger folks, below 30 (as i, for a little while longer, still will be) old films can be a bit insufferable, depending how much you dig the modern world. In my early 20s, ironically, i hardly dug the modern world at all, so dipping into the Old one was very fun.
I often spent many a night watching films from the 40s, the 50s, the 60s and so on, same as my music. Then, at some point, i suppose i began to feel that my values had, quite accidentally, fallen horrifically behind. I suddenly became obsessed with the future! I became a liberal progressive ... and oddly enough, the moment i did, many old films lost their spark. Mostly cus i started to see the blatant racism, sexism, and all the other isms, at work in them. I've explained before how, at some certain point, i watched so many films with male leads that i became very sick of ..male leads. I wanted female leads. They were no where to be found! So I renounced film and began to write.
Now however i find i want to journey back into films, particularly old ones, for whatever reason. I think some of it has to do with the band The Doors , actually. I've been listening to them a lot again lateyl and so many of their songs remind me of weird dark "Film noir" plots, so that is sort of becoming my recent mission. FIlm noir might be the best genre for me to sink my hooks into because, unlike my pirates and my elves and all of them, there isn't exactly a shortage of film noir. Its a long standing genre now. Perhaps its where I need to go, as an author. I need it!!! I can watch a few and then steal the plots and reverse the genders. Last night, for ex., I watched original Cape Fear from 1962. Robert Mitchum and Gregory Peck. It wasn't haf bad. Black and white. I missed the last 10 minutes. But ... it starte to give rise to a plot in the deep back of my skull...i started to imagine a murder plot... a female lead...she will be the Killer ... and she will kill....who? Her baby daddy. WHO ELSE! Ayayayaya.
It occurs to me that mixing a fmale lead with film noir might very well be my ticket to Hollywood.
So here i am, trying to find some famous noir to watch. A few movies have come up so far that I am trying to illegally search on Google. Desert Fury. Out of the Past. Double Indemnity. They all have vaguely similar plots. I think I'm going to setlle on Double Indemnity. The plotline seems appealing, i guess.. who cares...i suppose i just want "creepy" "mystery" viobes, and maybe some good looking 1940s women (if thats even possible?).
Well i am off.
Ciao CIAO.
Whats this mean? It means that I'm going to put away the obsession i had with watching "futuristic" or "progressive" plots, and I'm going to slip deep back into the old films, all over again, just like i did when i was between the ages of 17-24ish.
Why am I doing this? Its simple: By embracing the often painfully old fashioned plot lines of the old films (and not refusing them) I get one single - and enormous -advantage. The advantage should be obvious: Instead of having only one or two decades of film available to me, I instead have a half a centurys worth.
To some readers it might sound strange, i know, to some older readers it might seem like something thats never even occurred to them. They've been watching old film for all their lives. Who knows? But for many of us younger folks, below 30 (as i, for a little while longer, still will be) old films can be a bit insufferable, depending how much you dig the modern world. In my early 20s, ironically, i hardly dug the modern world at all, so dipping into the Old one was very fun.
I often spent many a night watching films from the 40s, the 50s, the 60s and so on, same as my music. Then, at some point, i suppose i began to feel that my values had, quite accidentally, fallen horrifically behind. I suddenly became obsessed with the future! I became a liberal progressive ... and oddly enough, the moment i did, many old films lost their spark. Mostly cus i started to see the blatant racism, sexism, and all the other isms, at work in them. I've explained before how, at some certain point, i watched so many films with male leads that i became very sick of ..male leads. I wanted female leads. They were no where to be found! So I renounced film and began to write.
Now however i find i want to journey back into films, particularly old ones, for whatever reason. I think some of it has to do with the band The Doors , actually. I've been listening to them a lot again lateyl and so many of their songs remind me of weird dark "Film noir" plots, so that is sort of becoming my recent mission. FIlm noir might be the best genre for me to sink my hooks into because, unlike my pirates and my elves and all of them, there isn't exactly a shortage of film noir. Its a long standing genre now. Perhaps its where I need to go, as an author. I need it!!! I can watch a few and then steal the plots and reverse the genders. Last night, for ex., I watched original Cape Fear from 1962. Robert Mitchum and Gregory Peck. It wasn't haf bad. Black and white. I missed the last 10 minutes. But ... it starte to give rise to a plot in the deep back of my skull...i started to imagine a murder plot... a female lead...she will be the Killer ... and she will kill....who? Her baby daddy. WHO ELSE! Ayayayaya.
It occurs to me that mixing a fmale lead with film noir might very well be my ticket to Hollywood.
So here i am, trying to find some famous noir to watch. A few movies have come up so far that I am trying to illegally search on Google. Desert Fury. Out of the Past. Double Indemnity. They all have vaguely similar plots. I think I'm going to setlle on Double Indemnity. The plotline seems appealing, i guess.. who cares...i suppose i just want "creepy" "mystery" viobes, and maybe some good looking 1940s women (if thats even possible?).
Well i am off.
Ciao CIAO.
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
brief thing on doors
I think im finally understanding why the Doors seem so unique for a rock band. The lyrics are basically always sorta like film noir. Morrison was basically the only rock writer, it seems to me, who made these little "dark stories" out of his song lyrics. In nearly every notable song from them, there seems to be a tiny plot inserted within, that could easily be pulled out and plugged into a film noir script, and work perfectly. Take, for example, this little line, from the song "LA Woman":
Motel, money, murder, madness
Lets change the mood from glad to sadness
Its a strange little line and doesn't really seem notable -- "surely something like it has been in a million rock songs?"--- but the truth is that lines such as these really haven't been in a million rock songs. In fact, they almost , in my opinion, haven't even really been in rap songs either, which are usually considered so gritty. Rap songs, for example, don't manage to paint a true "film noir" image for the listener, because usually the criminal in a rap song has already escaped, and is thus speaking from a point of view of success, after the crime is over, or he's just telling you way too many details about the crime, so the mystery goes away. Theres also the additional fact that rappers tend to write nearly everything in the first person, and Morrison had the rather odd habit (for rock and roll at least) of putting things in third person. One of the most famous lines from him, that we hear in "The End", essentially is prose, inserted into a rock song:
The killer awoke before dawn,
he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
and he walked on down the Hall
In my opinion this third person writing style, within a rock song, almost lived and died entirely w/ Morrison. For some reason, future rock writers pretty much seem to have abandoned it, usually instead embracing songs that are always first person--same as rap--and, of course, not usually embracing songs that have the weird instrumentation the Doors had, whilst also discussing killers and murderers, et cetera. The issue with so many modern rockers who do discuss crazy "film noir" esque topics is that they insist on making you "hear" the sorrow, via their forever distorted rhythm guitars. The Doors, instead, literally had no guitar for a rhytm section, and this is why their band appears so oddly deranged, even all these years later. They were entirely dependent on Manzareks piano, and once you combined that with Morrisons weird noir lyrics, it really did work wonders. A once in a lifetime thing....
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Posting Notes
I'm watching the new sequel to Jumanji that they made with that old wrestler, the Rock. It's funny and has me laughing, which is why I opted to turn it on, instead of a serious movie. I had a pretty good day but now it's 2 am and I'll admit I'm feeling sort of melancholy over , yes, Jennifer. Sucks don't it? Just seems like she's never going to really leave my poor mind.
The rotten infestation! It was really extreme. Like she made a thousand clones of herself and multiplied all over some giant hotel that exists in my skull. Hell, not just an hotel, but a literal entire street full of them! She's got her own Trump Tower up there, a dozen smaller skyscrapers, a restauruant, a house, apartments, everything. How many have I evicted her from so far? Probably ...hmm...half? Maybe three quarters? Still a good bit to go I guess...and lord...it really just sucks.
I think the thing that gets me most is the way so many things seem to remind me of her. For example, even jumanji unfortunately reminds me of Jennifer, because I remember we had a day where we discussed it. I sent her a YouTube link of one of the scenes...I think the one where Robin Williams finally escaped from the game and then he goes back to visit the girl who was with him, when he got sucked in. She faints at the doorway of the house. Yea..I sent Jennifer that one. I even remember exactly what she said….
“I thought you wouldn't watch Robin Williams cus he killed himself and it made you sad?”
“Oh it's true Jen. But Jumanji..I always rewatch it sometimes yknow? I loved it as a kid.”
“So did I…”
Sad ain't it? And it wasn't just Jumanji, either, that reminded me of her. There seemed to be about a dozen other films on the screen, as I scrolled looking for one to watch, that brought her to mind. Films that I felt we might have seen or discussed together, etc. Its kinda crazy to me cus , like, my relationship with her was majority online, and not in person, yet it feels like so much of it was so real, since for a long time, it partially was. It's really so bizarre. Usually a relationship is either all online or all physical. This one is instesd like some oddball dream memory that keeps cutting in at different frequencies. She pops in as a real memory, and then she filters out as just being the text on the screen that she usually was, for all our deepest conversations. And then of course the few phone conversations. We were essentially just beginning to have those, when the cut was made. She had apparently always wanted to do the phone, “but I thought you hated it...so I never asked...I thought you preferred text…”
Right when I saw she was happy to do phone of course, I'll admit I became obsessed. She made it sound like she wanted to! So I started to try to make it an every night thing. Alas, it didn't work, which was one reason my aggravation definitely increased. She was always busy putting the kids to sleep, and then afterwards shed pass out and never say goodnight. Usually always around 9ish. The few times we did get on the phone were fun though. Well, not always. A few times it descended into a bad argument. The best time was one night when I somehow flipped her into a good mood, which was extremely rare. We were laughing and laughing. It was so rare though, to hear Jen laugh. She really was in an extremely agitated, dark place, in my opinion. Even now, I sort of think she may have suicided. Honestly.
For instance, her Instagram is private but I know the address. I go to it every few days just to see. The default picture never changes and , since insta shows you the post number (even if it's private) I can see she hasn't made a new post in, it seems, 3 weeks now. You also might remember the blog of poems I set up exclusively for her. I wrote of it before. Well, she hasn't visited in awhile now. I think that's when she really started to feel “gone” to me. Dead. It's so scary. Thinking of her as dead. I hate it. Does she think of it the same way for me? Does she cry? Does she type letters she wants to send --- but then deletes? Have some of these random numbers that have dialed me recently -- but never left voicemails --- been her? Has she maybe even driven by my house just to see, for the fuvk of it? Or is she just seeing some other dude hardly thinking of it? Maybe she's back with the baby daddy.
What I think is most likeliest of all, however, is that she's congratulating hersef on staying away from me. This is something I used to do too. In a way, yes, I'm even doing it now. For Jennifer, this leaving people behind game is brand new. I introduced her to it and...it's prolly making her feel strong. Not me though. I've done this too many times to get anything from it now. I don't feel better or stronger for leaving Jen. It was never my intention, after all. I just feel shitty and sad. Everything is starting to feel so painfully far away to me now. Her face, even though i have dozens of pictures of her on my iPhone, is starting to fade. Really. It sucks because I don’t think she really loved me either. I sorta go back and forth. Sometimes i’m convinced she definitely loved me. Other times, not at all.
I’m looking at pictures of Paris now. Some building called La Conciergerie. lI’ve never seen it before but it’s beautiful looking and of course taking my mind from Jennifer. Lord knows, if i was on a train somewher in Europe, as i wrote the other day, all my grief would definitely be GONE, and i know that for an absolute fact. Like, i would not feel even a minor sting, from this pathetic love affair i had with Jen, if i was anywhere traveling in Europe. I don’t think i would feel any sadness about anything at all. It’s like this movie about JUmanji ...thats what Europe is to me..i don’t care what anyone says… it’s like entering into a game, a theme park, Adventure land. The sun is mightier there, the rain sweeter, the rivers prettier, thepeople cheerier, the roads easier. All my sad existence would be forgotten in a moment, if i could reach Paris!!! How do i get there?
What is the quickest route? Is there any bridge at all, at this point, to get there? I feel trapped. This hobbit hole I am in!! This basement from which I type to thee. How does one escape it? If this is a game,my life, then I am sinking beneath the sands. I am an artist trapped in my garret! To Paris let me go!!! Jennifer would be forgotten before the flight even landed at the airport. What book would i read on the plane? And of course...how would Jennifer the Traitorous feel, when she finally --somehow--found out that i had gone to Paris, never to return!? “Didn’t you hear? Joey took up permanent residence in Europe. Don’t ask me how he did it. They say he got citizenship now. He’s not coming home. I think he came into some money…”
Can my reader even imagine the mighty sting of that, on Jenny’s dark heart, if she were to hear it? To think that some people have lived in this world and tasted such fine success as that...success that equals revenge. Hows it happen? It reminsd me of a concert i once listened to of Bruce Springsteen. He was playing in Freehold, New Jersey, where he came from. “There are some girls who broke my heart in this town; i bet they’re real sorry they left me now..” How must such victory feel? Maybe hte sweetest part of victory is not what you win, but the people you know who will hear you have won. Maybe i needed Jennifers cold knife inside of me, to feel alive again...to achieve victory. Was her knife cold enough? Will it somehow manage to push me to Paris?
Who knows. Paris. Gotta stop thinking about it… gotta re route my mind elsewhere...get serious...get real.. .suddenly an image of old Uncle Harry the Hated flashes by me… i hate Harry, lord knows, i hate him and i hate his wife and i hate his kids...but he always passes in my mind when I am angriest, when i am saddest. Often have I fantasized about spitting upon his gravestone! Dark fantasy , ain’t it? I always regret it when it comes. I hate Harry but I bet i will still cry when he dies. I remember listening to FranK Sinatra with him once in the car…
Gah what am i talking about???? Uncle Harry, can’t you fucking leave me alone man? Why do you haunt my fucking memory and my mind Uncle Harry? Oh maybe its because you were here today, briefly… i had to listen to you walking around upstairs. As always i made sure to shut off all my lights. No, Harry, I will never come say even “hello” to you again. I have shut down as a human being. Do you feel bad about it, Harry? Something in you just...twist ya..the wrong way? To know that all the snide comments you made to me over the years didn’t help -- but only hurt? That i feel condemned and beaten and lonely? Hows it feel Harry? To know that i perceive you as a dark enemy of mine, as someone who i am mortified to even say “hello” to? Hows it feel? Does it feel good Harry? Vaffancul Harry. Fuck you Harry!!!
I should really get back to writing in that book about Franny but i haven’t looked at it in a bit. I was talking to some kid on Twitter today , another writer, from Spain (no im lying, hes from here) who was saying how he sells books on Kindle and Amazon. I have written so much but never bothered with self publishing. I always thought it was a waste of time and that if i did it ,m y books would never be able to be published elsewhere. Now I’m sort of thinking about it. I might start looking into it. Soon! I swear! Not tonight...but soon. Maybe --who the fuck knows--I’ll be like Marquis de Sade, and i’ll get to Paris like this, selling books on Amazon? its a long shot but meh… so is life….
Mostly what i’m worried about is the monetary stuff, like how one goes about linking it to a bank account and all that. Stuff like that -- im a moron--it confuses me. I’m wondering, you see, about the many “secret” erotica stories i’ve written and if they could be worth any money. I’ve written some terribly perverted tales about sex, mostly interracial stuff, lots of homosexual, forced feminization stuff. I have a Twitter account with nearly 2,000 followers also dedicated to all those topics. I am just wondering if i could somehow discreetly link an Amazon page to that account, and sell sex stories. You’d probably be surprised. Of course i also want to sel lmy “Real” stories too. Franny for example, thats a story i’d pubish under a proper name, not a fake “erotica name”. What could my erotica name be? Sarah Slay.
OK, we can have a little fun and i’ll show you a fragment of one of the stories. Just to show you how ghastly and fucked up and weird they really are. Cause i know you’re a pervert and i know you’re interested. Here we are:
I was literaly bound and gagged, a pair of her mans boxers, with semen all over them, stuffed in my mouth. She had tied my hands above my head, and had me sitting on a stool in the dark. The closet was open only ever so slightly so that I could see a bit out of it. I was dressed, by her, in the exact same outfit she was also wearing: Knee high pink sox, a plaid pink skirt, and a crop top off my shoulder. She had put my hair up in pigtails, same as hers. For two months she only called me Wendy. Her name.
What do you think? Weren’t expecting it? You’re disgusting? Surprised by the outfit the freak character is wearing? Knee high pink socks! Gosh I’d kill to be dressed in a pair of those right now, sugar. Knee highs and a lil plaid pink skirt like I described there. Gawd you don’t even know baby.. i’d feel so free if i was drssed in that. Imagine me walking around with nice pretty little shaven legs in some Paris hotel! With some cute little Madonna song playing behind me as I walk thru my hotel room, looking out over all the city. I’ll be smoking some marijuana, drinking some wine..three naked men I’ve paid for (Africans) laying on the bed. They’re the ones bound and gagged, but their big black dicks hanging out for me to suck when I want and …..
Oh god. I’m so fucking sorry for that. It’s disgusting. I’m pushing HER back inside her box. “GET AWAY GO GO GO GO”
She just comes out randomly when she wants and thinks its ok. Shes very confused. Thinks this is all easy… its not! Not at all.
Gotta get back to the Jumanji film is what I gotta do. Sugar.
Sorry to leave in a rush but….
hehe. A girls gotta do what a girls got-- a man g---a girl -- agirl-- girll..
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