Childless Single

I woke up happy today, oddly enough...I'm pretty surprised. Like I literally just rolled out of bed 10 minutes ago, and I'm absolutely starving, and there's not even any butter in this house to eat, but for some reason I popped this old Doors song on, and I suddenly feel like a million bucks. A moment ago, I was just doing a good Mick Jagger dance straight across the room, pumping my arms and legs in the dark, as the little bit of sunlight twinkles in through the dirty windows of this room.

Its the year 1018 .. err 2018..and I'm still alive. I have ditched an ugly, mean eyed single mother and found freedom. I feel like a man who just escaped some horrific fate. Honestly, its exactly how I feel .. and you wanna know a thing, chile? It feels god damn GOOD to feel this way. Like, why should I be angry or upset that I ever met Jennifer? I shouldn't be.

If I had never met her, I would have never gotten the chance to feel this sensation of deep and profound escape. I also ---this is a big deal -- never would have gotten the chance to see just how shitty having children really is. I might have wound up like my poor fool of a friend Anthony: I might have gone wandering off into the life of having kids, and then being married, without thinking twice about it...until of course, it was too late. I certainly don't think I ever would have done all that reading I've now done about pregnancy and child raisin', if it had not been for Jens horrible life, so my God, who is really luckier than I? The Gods gave me the chance to witness how god awful child rearin' is first hand. I never have to really "wonder" now, about what its like on the other side of the fence. For I have already been there! And seen it! And I know it SUCKS!

 The Gods, in their infinite beauty, spared me, as they are sometimes wont to do. The child rearin' life has been narrowly avoided, for another round of pleasure. Does this mean permanent escape? One never knows. The prison guards are always around; the hellhounds always chasing a boy, espeially a poor boy. But it does definitely mean a more heightened sense of escape, and a more profound sense of "realization". Before Jen, as i say, i didn't truly realize how much so many parents truly hate their roles and their lives. I did not even really contemplate child raisin'. It was all in one ear and out the other. I was still very much in that age of life where, as though I was a child myself, I just thought of parents as people who had...always been parents. Now I have seen the workings of the machine; I have pulled back the curtain. I know the magic trick now. Parents were not born parents. They became them. And many of them yearn, deeply, for their former selves, yet they feel as though they can't admit this to a soul! Many of them desperately wish they weren't parents, every waking minute! They hate their lives!!!!! Not only are they dead sick of their kids, of all ages, but they're also dead BORED of them too. Bored, bored, bored, bored to tears, like convicts in a prison cell.

Therefore, the feelings of freedom. I literally feel like a father who escaped his family but who doesn't have to feel any of the guilt...because I'm not the actual father! I was just some passerby testing the waters and the moods and the wind, ya digg? And being back here, on my old boat, alone, with just my music, my 3 month old Cheerios, my lack of butter, and my friends in Colombia...guess what? It don't really feel lonely, nor does it feel "too quiet". It feels perfect. Cause I know that every quiet moment that passes for me, I am living a moment that a remorseful parent only ever gets the sad chance to dream about. I am the person they wish they could be, in all their agonizing, "I knew i should have never had a child" moments. I am almost like...come to think of it... I bet I literally am the creation of an author who is a parent, and he's writing me into reality in his one free hour of spare time every morning, with tears pouring out of his eyes. Thats who I am now. I am the person all parents who hate their lives and who hate being parents secretly dream of becoming.  And as much as they want to deny that they secretly wish that thought constantly, guess what? The Internet has brought all of their truths and grief and sorrow to the light of day!

 The Internet -- the beautiful "world wide web" -- has exposed so many of these f'n parents who have been lying to everyone for the better part of, I'd say, 5-6 decades of time now. All these parents, these aunts, uncles, cousins, single mothers, deadbeat fathers who come and go, who show up every holiday with smiles, who post on Facebook and pretend they are so glad they created children and now get to clean up their shit and vomit...the Internet has exposed you! It has exposed your secret ramblings, your secret anonymous despisal of your mundane lives, your hatred of it all! The Internet has brought to light what old Charles Bukowski knew even back in the 60s...what every artist has known for a long time now: Having the typical family life FUCKING BLOWS! It robs your identity! It steals your time! It sucks the life straight out of you! It's the most maddening and monotonous life imaginable! Its a throwback to the year 1933. And I ain't living it baby! I kept away from the women. Somehow. For all these years. I kept away from them long enough to reach this age of wisdom and maturity now, an age where I had the patience to read as much as I did, and consciously realize that it really does blow. I won't be making the mistake Anthony made. I won't be making the mistake Jenny made. I'm going to pursue further FREEDOM.

I'm going to be blasting the Doors songs when I wake up in the morning, as I did this morning, instead of "The Wheels on the Bus". I don't have to worry about accidentally stepping on a gigantic lego my child tossed on the floor... I don't have to suffer sleepless nights where the child won't sleep! My bed just has a pitbull in it, and I can kick her out whenever I want and she doesn't really react too strongly! She is also very easy to feed...just pop open a can of something that looks like tar and dump it into a dirty silver bowl and .... work over! Ah, yes, do you understand the beauty of the life I live now, dear reader? Do you understand why, though I woke up this morning with no butter to spread on my toast, I don't even feel the need to give a single fucking shit about it? I am freedom. I am young. I am that ultimate word of liberation, a word that, i now believe, humanity has literally been waiting centuries to hear: I am CHILDLESS, and it is GLORIOUS. 

Yes. My mood has certainly changed. I have officially batted Jenny right out of the ballpark, in many many ways. Jajajajajajajaja.....