126 days later and, the only thing I can really say is, how f'n glad I am that Jenny never tried all that hard to guilt trip me, into getting back into touch with her. Yes, she tried to contact 5 times, and sent texts to my phone, but imagine how much further she could have gone? Imagine how much more of a so-called "hoover" she could have put on? She could have left crazy voicemails, or written really long and angry emails. Or of course she could have written sad emails, trying to plead with me to contact her, etc.
"Can't you please just quit it with this? I'm sad...super sad. I'm sorry for the way i acted. I just want to talk again. I thought we were so close. Stop, please, stop being like this. I don't feel good."
One big reason i personally believe she didn't do this stuff is cause, deep in her dumb head, she was mortified that I'd get the emails, or the voicemails, and immediately show them to her ex, which i never would have done (but how can she know that?). Probably that was a big fear of hers, because she had no real way of knowing just how angry I was or wasn't, so between that fear and just being upset and frightened herself, she never sent much of anything substantial. Just those little things. Things that weren't enough to provoke me to contact her again. She was basically mortfied of starting something "real" with me, and she knew that if she wrote me something substantial, i would have interpreted it as her saying she wnated to. So nothing big came. ....
Like I say, I'm stil la bit melancholy over it, but mostly happy. I nearly got trapped in the single momma claws and it wouldn't have been fun, once it really got going. Hell, maybe thats even the reason that the whole story about the Titanic has recently been coming to mind. My God, could it be? Think of all te details that are similar, after all. The Titanic looks impressive at first, it seems like the best boat in the world to get on, like you just won something grand and sorta sexy, and even the Third Class passengers are elated to be aboard. All is grand! Then of course, 4 mere days into the voyage, and you're fastening a "lifebelt" on (should be called a deathbelt) and praying you get the hell off the ship and ino a lifeboat. This is probably how stepping into Jennys single mom rabbit hole would have ultimately been. Just think of how heavy the attachment to her already was for me, and i had never even lived with her, or slept with her. NOw imagine if i slept with her and got to know her kids better. How would i have ever escaped? It would have been crippling...essentially a double edged sword. Staying with Jen would have blown, and then trying to eventually escape her would have also blown. The truth is that I got the best deal of all here. I got the chance to learn a lesson. Never date young single mothers. Ever. Under virtually any circumstances.
Tomorrow will be May 31st. Day after that and it'll be the first of June. Jennys pool is opened. I wonder if she sits by it and swims with the kids and wonders of me? Maybe she's expecting a call because its summer and she thinks "he's more likely to give in, since its summer".
I still won't. Fuck her and her pool. A part of me cannot wait until summer is over and September arrives, just so she can realize how deep this hatted of mine runs. To me, you see, thats really the best part of this all. Every passing day and every passing month of no contact being made is just another nail, somewhere in her dumb head, of how much I despise her. I find this beautiful in my own way. It's like, even if she does not want to admit it to herself, deep down, she knows that every passing day is another day further away from that great tsunami wave of Love we both experienced, and so its all just another day closer to hate instead. I don't care what anyone on earth says really..i know the girl is sitting there and still expecting my eventual phone call... i know it basically for an absolute FACT...and how glorious it really is, to simply never give it. The one year anniversary of cutting her out will be glorious, and im sure she'll realize that month when its upon her..that being January. Ah! How i long for the day when i can say Jenny is actually a complete YEAR in the past. I have 240 days to go until that point. ...
In other news, i was watching that old movie Shutter Island yesterday evening, over a glass of 3 day old wine, and i was kind of shocked when i saw that the main plot point was about how Leo DiCaprios' wife in the film murders their 3 chilldren. The film had a very dark vibe to it. I honetly wouldn't be surprised if Jenny did something like that...that's literally how crazy i believe she's been driven by this pathetically sad set of circumstances. Now I'm thinking that a movie set on an island would be cool to write. Jen will be the star. She will be turned into a lunatic. Maybe i can insert it somehow into my 200,000 word quest with the vampire book, which I have not written in since Thursday or Friday, but which i fucking SWEAR I'm going to write something in now. I swear i swear i am.
Yes now im thinking of that again. I need to really focus. Hold on. Cut out---
Jack you made a vow to yourself dont you remember? You posted a blog about it. Said you would keep going with that vampire story all summer, till 200 K words. Your sisters graduation on Saturday distracted you. Plus the night before due to the celebration. Then on Sunday you were angry about how rude your Aunt always is. But its all over now, it's fucking Wednesday Jack, and you ought to get back to writing it NOW before anothr day goes by. Then it'll truly be lost foreva...
I swear all my long winded novels always get derailed by these fucking family events. It has happened countless times. The graduation was like aholiday, so it wa derailed. I have to try desperately to hop the train again.
Ciao.
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