The Vice President approached the podium slowly. His wife had dressed him in his finest 3 piece suit. A nice green silk tie, Brooks Brothers shoes, and a little leather belt that had the Patriots flag hanging out of it, for all the TV audience and theatre audience to see. He ran a hand through his combed back grey hair. This was a very important speech he was about to make, perhaps one of the most important in his entire history thus far as Vice President. He could not let the "Commander in Chief" down. He could not disappoint him. The command had to be passed down the line. The people had to know the news....
He took a hold of the microphone and lifted it up pulling it towards him and his mouth. He tapped it. All the cameras in the audience were staring straight at him. He felt the knot on his tie and pulled at it, then gulped (hoping no one would see the gulp) and greeted the audience.
"As many of you may know, strange things have been happening in the borders below Righteous Texas as of late, and we know that many of you at home are scared, petrified, and very nervous about what these recent discoveries and findings might mean. We know, by God Almighty do we know, that many mothers and fathers, loving parents, holy parents, are home right now with their young, biting their fingernails in fear, unsure of what the future holds. We know how scared everyone is. By God this administration knows."
He grabbed at his tie again and rubbed his finger on it..then he reached into his pocket and clicked a button on a remote control. The control was connected to a big PowerPoint screen that then fell down directly behind him. On the screen at the moment were three words: "MORTAL UNGODLY DANGER". The Vice President pointed backwards with his thumb....
"What you are about to see is so scary, and so frightening, and I wish I did not have to show it to you, but unfortunately I have to, because it is real, and the American people, the holy and righteous American people of God Almighty, must see it, because they must understand what we, and especially our Commander in Chief, are fighting against. They must understand how evil this is. They must understand what is *really* happening below Texas. And so I ask you now, audience, and of course America, I ask you: Are you prepared for what you are about to see? Are you?"
The audience nodded apprehensively. They were mortified. Old women and their old hearts were shaking inside their chests. In houses and little quaint bedrooms across Gods Country the eyes of children were shielded. Old men sat with tears dripping out of their old eyes, some had to run away from the TV..they could not watch. Young pious private school children sat with purple faces and ties tied as tight as could be around their throats, with their hands clasped in prayer, staring at photos of the Vice President holding the statue of Mormon Salt Lake City Christ on his palm and smiling. (the official federal photo of him distributed to pious citizens).
"I know it is hard for many of you." the Vice President said. "God almighty I know how hard it is. But we must confront this danger. We must unite as Americans and understand this thing, this wickedness, that has been brought upon our earth. Only together can we defeat this poison that seeks to destroy our lives, this poison coming from below Texas. Only together can we put a stop to immoral ways. And so I ask again, in the name of the Commander in Chief, that holy man, may I show you the horror?"
The audience again apprehensively nodded, and then the Vice President clicked to the next slide. It was a photo of a dark skinned Mexican man with shaggy black hair and a numbe of teeth missing grinning sadistically at the camera and holding, in both of his hands, two enormous discolored looking things that looked sort of like big orange colored potatoes. Behind him in the photo was a little girl lying on the ground with something blue dripping out of her mouth, clearly Mexican just like the man, and then beyond her, in the distance, you could see a crucifix upon which it appeared someone had been, in fact, crucified. The scalp of the victim on the crucifix seemed as though it had been torn open with a knife and was dripping blood.
"What this man is holding is called, in Mexico, a nuclear melocoton. For us it translates as peach. This little melocoton is perhaps one of the most dangerous things, hands down, tat has ever existed, in teh entire history of the Earth." the Vice President wiped his eyes," and as you can see behind that sinner, that little girl in the photo , she is dead because she took a bite of the peach. She is dead, and that other man behind her has been crucified becaus .... he was caught living on a piece of land , by our narcotics officers, where this evil, sadistic thing was growing, and he had done nothing to stop it. Nothing at all. He was allowing it to grow on the land behind his house, as though it was just another plant. He had no idea, he said, how evil it was. He had no idea that its of Satan. He had no idea, he said, of how addictive it is. "
Many people in the audience were now crying. They couldn't bear to look at the nuclear melocoton. One man shouted out "How could that fool not know! How could he not know! That sick fool! Have everyone even slightly like him hanged! Mexicans hate us! Mexicans want to ruin all of our lives! They grow crops of Satan to ruin our lives! They're of Satan! They're EVIL!"
The Vice President put out his hands to calm the crowd. "Shh shh .. shh sh... simmer down , simmer down.. we're going to show you, we're going to show you! Calm down! America has an answer. The Commander in Chief, our holy man, has an answer. Nothing south of Texas is going to ruin our wholesome life. Nothing is going to interfere. Dont you worry America!"
"Save us! We are damned! Save us! "someone else cried. "The nuclear melocolon! I cant resist it! Save me! Save us! I see it and I want to bite into it! I want to chew it! SOMEONE HELP ME!"
"Shh shh" said the Vice President again, "shh shh."
He clicked the button on the remote, and the next slide popped up. This time it was a video slide, of a pot of water on a stove boiling very hot, and bubbling. One old woman, upon seeing the pot of boiling water, screamed as loud as she could and then fell over on her chair and collasped. She was compltely out, totally unconscious. Maybe a heat attack.
She had not seen boiling water since she was a little girl, she had not seen a pot like that since her mother had once accidentally burnt her hand making pasta. The mother had been taken to a psychiatric ward: "Are you trying to die?" they had asked her, "Why would you burn yourself like this? Nothing is an accident. Nothing is ever an accident. Why were you boiling water in a house in whcih there is a child? What on earth is wrong with you? Were you planning to throw the pot of boiling water on your child? Is that what?"
A group of young men shielded their eyes and darted out of the auditorium, too afraid, and too petrified to think that, just by seeing the boiled water for a second, they would become again obsessed with it, as they once had been, when in their youth they had helped black thugs illegally boil water for fun on Friday nights....
"Get it ofF! Get itoff! Boiled water! Get it off!!!!!!" a number of patriots wearing flag masks screamed. They were shaking.A middle aged man was on the ground slapping his hands to the pavement... "help me! i cant look! its so evil! its so dangerous! help me! My father used to boil water obsessively all night long! He used to boil it morning noon and night! He nevr wanted to play with me! He never even looked atm e! Because all he would do was boil water! He died boiling water! SOMEONE HELP! Its a menace! It destroys my life! I never had a father! I just had a... a.. boiled water addict!"
Again the Vice President lifted his hands, "shh shh my children shh shh" he said. "I show you this filthy and frightening video of..." he paused, "boiling water... only to help you understand that the same approach we took to that, shall be taken with this nuclear melocoton. We are going to shut down the possibility of anyone being able to get it into this country or into any house in this country , in just the same way we got rid of boiled water after those mortifying ritual suicides, where young men who listened to strange music poured it all over their heads to die. We are going to make sure that no one in this entire country ever takes so much as a single bite of a nuclear peach again, just like no one has ever legally boiled water again, in Gods country. Doi you understand my children? We are going to save everyone. Everyone is going to be just okay, everyone is going to make it, we will help you, we love our Poeple. We are going to eradicate these evil Mexican peaches from below Texas. Just like we eradicated boiled water. Mexicans will not deceive us. We are a wise nation. Mexicans will not ruin our ... moral fabric. "
He clicked off the video of the boiling water then . Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. It was so terrifying to have seen it, for even a moment, for they of course -- all of them --- knew that sometimes desperate people grab the pot of boiling water and kill themselves with it, even totally normal people, even people who don't listen to odd weird music, and they do it because they're unable to control their own emotions, unable to control their addictions to evil and danger.
"And so today I announce to you, you proud holy and righteous people of God's country, that the War on Peaches has begun, and it will not end until we are 100% positive that there is not so much as a single peach in this country. Houses will be raided. Cars will be pulled over and stopped. Coat pockets, closets, garages, sheds, basements, bathrooms, underground tunnels, even peoples bodies will be thoroughly checked and tested for any trace of the peach. Our armed forces in the National Guard and the Grey Marines will be posted up at every border that leads into this country. Hound dogs will be sent out in droves to sniff for the peaches. Mexicans who run the peaches into this country of God will be shot on sight. People who are found with even so much as one little hair of a peach, or one little crumb of a peach, will be handed out a mandatory minimum sentence of 7,000 years, to be served back to back. People who are caught with a full peach will be mandatory executed the very moment the peach is found on them. Do you... do you understand America? We are going to keep you safe. Now let us pray."
The Vice President then walked out from behind the podium and got down on one knee on the auditoriums stage. He put one hand up over his bended head and started praying the new prayer that had been written when the President had been sworn into office, which was called "In Our Father We Trust Completely, he Is Our only Salvation..."
All the people instantly calmed down...from the previously and hopelessly addicted to the elderly to the children, to everyone...and began to pray the Nations official prayer.
Meanwhile, in Mexico, word was passed:
"The price on the peaches, Jose, it has just gone from $5,000 to $200,000 the moment it crosses Texas. What do you say we get involved ?"
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