I smoked a lot of pot when I was a kid. Like, a truly great deal of it. I remember the day I began vividly, and joyously.
I was 14 or 15 years old, i think, and headed into my sophomore year of high school. It was August and the carnival had just come to town. Around here, especially back then, we always got excited for the carnival, cause everyone would be milling all around our little seaside town. And, the week before the carnival had come, the news had broke that my friend Joey, a year younger than me, had tried pot for the first time. Me and my buddy Frank were pretty aggravated about it. It was like we felt someone had 'beaten us' to this cultural passage. We knew we had to try pot. Of course, there was one problem: Thanks to Uncle Sam, it was illegal. Where were we going to get it?
Well, the fact that the carnival was going on helped a great deal. Tons of people we knew were around, and we figured most of them smoked and knew where to get pot. We asked a number of them for help. Eventually we found someone. The first bag of pot I ever went to buy, of course, I was 'beat'. As in, robbed for 10 bucks. Frank had his own 10 bucks however. We tried again the next night. We got enough pot to smoke for the two of us. We got high for the first time and...history was made.
I then proceeded to smoke pot, often with Frank, for the next 5-6 years, from age 15 until around the time I turned 21.
I have told the story of my quitting pot numerous times, both in journal entries like this and in reality. But what basically happened was that I began to believe, around 21, that pot was causing me to have an emotional breakdown and to 'fail at life'. Being 21 obviously wasn't like being 16. I started to feel ashamed about my pot smoking habit in a way I never did as a kid. I also -- this is very important -- started to become really frightened about it, in a way i had never been before.
The reason why should be obvious: Unlike when i was a kid, smoking pot illegally as an adult was a real pain in the ass. As a kid, I was able to wander around town, and sneak off into the woods, usually on foot, to smoke my bones in peace. Since I was on foot or on a bicycle so often as a kid, even at 17-19, it was like cops didn't exist. As an adult, it didn't work like this. When the weekend came, people at 21 wanted to go out and socialize in the city, at some club, at a restauruant etc. Pot, since it was illegal, was hard to have in these situations. You always felt paranoid, and you also always heard countless stories about your fellow "potheads" being caught, charged with a crime,sent off to jail, and then having it on their record forever.
Remember: I'm talking about the years 2010-2011 here. The first two states to legalize pot were Colorado and Washington. That happened in 2012. In "my day" (just a few years earlier)p pot was still desperately illegal. I have numerous memories of being in some friend or others car and being chased by cops, when we went to go pick up a half ounce or a quarter, etc. I don't think i ever really learned my lesson: Even though I haven't smoked pot in nearly 8 years now, the fact that i was ever chased by cops for it still sounds all pretty pathetic.
At any rate, long story short, like i said, when I was 21 years old, i made the decision, rather dramatically, that i had to quit pot "before it was too late". I had been smoking for so many years by that point, and had so many close calls with John Law, that i figured it was only a matter of time until I would be caught, too. I didn't want to be caught. So I threw a big fit, cut contact with tons of good friends i had who i knew would never quit, and then chucked an entire ounce of pot down into a toilet. The next morning, I threw all my bongs and bowls into a big garbage bag, and tossed it in a dumpster.
At the time, I told everyone I would never smoke pot again. I was 21 and wigging out...i knew i really didn't want to even go near pot, cause if i did, i would definitely smoke it again, and start listening to Slightly Stoopid again, and not want to quit. So I made outrageous statements declaring my quit would be "forever" and blocking good friends from calling me. John Law had come and set up camp in my head. I was scared, often awake late at night, envisioning myself in chains, caught red handed with 2 ounces of dank.
After about 2 years though, when it was 2013ish, i started to lighten up, and fonder memories of pot came back to me. I was 'out of thr hole', aftr all, it was amazing to me that i had really quit and never returned, and now I felt cozy being able to talk about it again. I was also, i remember vividly, very surprised when i woke up to read the news, that it had been made legal in those 2 states. After all, as I said, deep down I always knew that pot itself had never made me unhappy. It was the absurd and childish legal situation around pot that had led to my paranoia, and my depression over my 'use' of the drug. I wasn't allowed to talk about pot, as if it were wine. I wasn't allowed to indulge in it at Christmas when my family was around, like i could wine. Once I was an adult, i can't stress enough, that all weighed heavy on my poor soul. I felt it was some sort of 'sin". I also never really liked how difficult it coudl sometimes be to score a bag of pot. Yet again, as a kid, the social aspect of scoring pot was fun. By 21, it was getting old. I just wanted to be able to go alone to the gas station and grab a bag, like i could a six pack of beers.
Alas, in the year 2013, I can remember having a conversation with one old buddy about pot, and i remember telling him that it probably wouldn't be long until I was smoking myself again. He asked me why, and I promptly explained to him that it was because it seemed as though the pathetic and childish obsession with keeping pot illegal, was finally coming to a close. "I'm committed," i explained, "to not smoking illegal pot. Once its legal tho, I dont see why not. I always hated illegal pot and it felt dirty to me...annoying...but next summer, who knows, it could be legal. I'll smoke then."
In 2013, it admittedly seemed like a long shot that pot would be legal by the summer of 2014. But it did seem like a real possibility that the summer of 2015 would finally be a cool and relaxing summer of legal pot. I was beginning to fantasize about finally being able to take the walk of a full grown man to the gas station, to buy weed with no worries.
Fast forward now. It is the summer of 2018 and, not only is pot still not legal in this ridiculous state I'm in, but it seems as though it will also be illegal next summer, and the summer after that too.
ANd I guess i just find something really pathetic about that. I don't know. Like i say, I just wish i could walk down to the gas station, without having to know 100 people, and buy a bag of fucking pot. Especially on a nice summer day like this, it being the Fourth of July and all. Alas, I live in a nation of children ...they've got many weird superstitions....and so I cannot enjoy a simple legal toke. Well then, i won't enjoy one at all. I'll just sit here angry instead.
No comments:
Post a Comment