Jen diary again

It's kind of unbelievable to me that I am sitting here still unable to completely get Jenny off my mind. It's officially been 104 days now, since i cut her down on January 24th, and yet here I am, still thinking of her fairly frequently, and still wishing she would have called or written. It's a bit weird, really, the way the emotion comes and goes.

For a week or so it will seem like I've finally nailed it and I'm done dwelling on it, and then suddenly the emotion comes back stronger than ever, and I am sucked in, feeling sad all over again. Her birthday, for example, was just the other day, so I guess that's one big reason I'm thinking about her again now. Did I almost collapse and write her a happy birthday message? No. I didn't even come close. But of course I pondered it. I sort of had this idea that she was sittin there in her house, probably alone, hoping I would write her,and thinking to herself that it was the last chance she'd give me. "If he don't write me happy birthday, i'll never respond to him again, even if he gets at me as soon as tomorrow!" Who knows what she's thinking really? Who cares? The real me doesn't care. This version who does is just some surface sap who needs to die. Yes. You read that right....

Anyways, there was another thing which sparked my memories of Jen , and it was this old Kate Winslet film Revolutionary Road. I watched it years before I met Jen, and really loved it, because I had this big period, probably in 2011 or so, where I was obsessed with WInslet, and then I got to thinking about it tonight for some reason, and Lord almighty, the parallels between "April Wheelers" life and Jennys, were extremely odd. In fact, I'm really happy I thought of the movie because the devastating tragedy that was April Wheeler's life (and its all a tragedy because she had children) really helped me pat myself on the back, in regards to my decision to ditch Jen.

Literally everything about the movie all seems dedicated to showing you just how much raising children sucks, and its super weird because, truth be told, the first itme I saw it , I somehow didn't totally pick up on this detail! You woudl think its the main theme of the film, but the theme I really picked up on years ago, when I was only 22 or so, was that living in the suburbs and not following your dreams sucks. I didn't notice the children aspect of it so much. I.e. The only reason April Wheelers life really sucks is cause she had babies...if she hadn't of had the babies...she'd be in "Paris". There was a certain scene in particular I watched that was really crazy, concerning April's pregnancy with a third child and the fact that her husband Frank Wheeler found she was hiding an illegal abortion device in the bathroom. I din't remember this scene much at all. I also didn't really remember the ending ,when April Wheeler literally kills herself, in an effort to kill the third child she doesn't want.

As I watched it, the only thing I could think was: I sure wish I had thought of this movie when I was still actively trying to pursue Jen, cause I wish i could have sent it to her, to make her realize what an IDIOT she is. Or to at least, you know, just get her opinion on it. It's funny because  I did once actually watch a Kate Winslet movie with Jen, when she was pregnant with her second child, Jim. It was a bit of a happier movie (Kate doesn't die at the end) called Labor Day. It was a pretty sad film about a lonely single mother desperate for a father figure for her only son. I don't really know if Jen liked it or not. When she watched it, she wa still with her 2nd baby daddy, preparing to give birth to his kid, as I said.

I wonder if she ever thinks about the few films and songs I shared with her, now that I've left her life. Probably not. But who knows? She did sort of seem like the type of girl to reminisce about things, so maybe she does. One day maybe she'll remember Labor Day and how i told her we should watch it that night in 2015, and then she'll remember I liked Kate Winslet, and who knows, maybe she'll find Revolutionary Road herself. Hell, maybe she just watched it this week and thats the real reason it popped into my head. You ever think of shit like that? I do all the time. I imagine her now sitting alone in that grim living room after putting her two kids to sleep, clicking thru her TV channels bored out of her skull, w/ no one to talk to... sad... and there it is on the screen: Revolutionary Road. Kate Winslet! "Jack loved her. I bet he saw this. What is it?"

In all those old entries i made, there was a part of me that was convinced that Jen had re-united with the 2nd baby daddy, but this sensation has now been a bit squashed, & i'm starting to imagine her as being alone, because it's actually been reported to me that the 2nd baby daddy is, in fact, with a new and younger girl. My brother works at the grocery store in that side of town and I guess he saw him come in with her one day.

Maybe it was just a random girl, but maybe not. Maybe he is really with someone new and has forgotten Jen, much like i have. He always seems to pull a girl out of his ass somehow... i dont know how he does it...mostly I think its because he uses drugs and they use drugs, so it all goes together like beans and rice. I myself only really began having problems finding new girls once I went sober and quit pot. When i still smoked pot in my early 20s, it was pretty easy to get girls over. At any rate, even if he hasn't "left" Jen, I doubt he is living there again, so the truth is that she probably really is alone, 9 nights out of 10, and i know it has got to be driving her totally batshit. Does it make me happy to think that, more likely than not, she is really sad? Yes... it definitely does. I mean, she tried to contact my sister again on April 8th, so... whatever is going on, it can't be too perfect. Will she ever try again?  Why am I writing of her again? 

In truth my imagination plays all sorts of tricks on me now, regarding Jen. Sometimes I imagine that she's gonna end her own life, other times I imagine she's gonna randomly become a millionaire and win the World, then I imagine how she's gonna marry the 2nd baby daddy after all, and finally I often start to imagine dark things happening to her, like that she winds up forced into prostitution, or that she has started using lots of drugs or something, cause she is depressed over how I left her. I often dwell on the fact that Jenny was definitely terrified of abandonment and i swore i'd never abandon her no matter how mad she made me, and yet i abandoned her anyways, so when I think of things under that light, I start to imagine a pretty sad and sorrowful Jen.

The other afternoon, for example, i was lying down on my bed and I started to imagine if a report got shot back to me about her being arrested, instead of the baby daddy. Like if she got pulled over and caught with drugs---serious ones---and hauled off to prison, and then something happened w/ her kids, like she lost em or something. I doubt something like that would ever happen to her but who knows? I seriously just like...in retrospect...i realize I knew very little about that other part of Jen. I have serious reason to believe she used drugs but she never told me herslef, because she was ashamed, so I can't know for sure. What i would like to believe is that she did use them for a time but then quit them when she had the 2nd kid. But who knows? If she didn't quit the drugs when she had the 1st why quit for the 2nd? And I have very strong reason to believe she didn't quit after the 1st. I sound like an asshole talking about how i wish someone would quit using drugs (its not my business) but, i just feel bad for the kids, and her, and everything to do with the ratty situation.

I don't know. It's strange that I'm writing about her again. I stopped for basically a month and swore i wouldn't start again. This is just a random note in the wind...there's no way I'm going to start a habit of it again. Reading back the old entries i wrote about her annoys the ever living shit out of me!  I just...well ... Revolutionary Road. What the hell made me think of it? I sent it to the Colombian girl after it came to my mind. "Watch this." I said, "It'll show you what i keep telling you...about why having kids is the worst f'n thing ever...."

Yes indeed, the real truth is that Jens situation was just so depressing that, in the end, it wound up far easier to run away from than I ever imagined. I was very attached to Jen, more than i was ever attached to Kim years ago, but it didn't matter because she was so depressing that, even in my own depressed state, she was easy to escape. Kim was somewhat difficult to escape but possible because she made me so mad in the end. Jen is a bit of a different story: I am really angry w/ her but not so angry that I would have been able to cut off from her. I feel serious pity for Jen. Thats why i think of her. Thats why I write of her. But she is somehow so pitiful and sorrowful that even my extreme pity for her doesn't make me want to contact her again. It's like some doom and gloom sadness and i just want nothing to do with it....

There is also the fact that, perhaps thanks to her grief, and her child rearing life, Jen was also just a pretty boring and dull person to talk to. Like, i enjoyed conversing with Jen but she really was aplain boring person at days end and Ithink thats why she had those kids as young as she did, not once but twice. I mean, i'm not saying I'm the sort of guy who is the life of the party (I'm definitely a bit boring myself) but Jenny was really boring. I wrote about it in earlier entries: While it was immediately understood that Jen had some wildly passionate sexual side, her surface self was so ghastly and shitty that ,whatever that sexual side was, really made no difference at all. Even the 2nd baby daddy pointed this out countless times. "She's fun to fuck but theres nothing else there. Shes like an empty boat." It was essentially as though every single bit of energy Jen had, all went into the sex, and then once she had kids, she couldn't even really do that anymore... there was no time...she was always exhausted...so she just became a cardboard nobody. Her conversations were always the same: Baby daddy struggles, she was sad, her therapist, her parents were crappy, blah blah. Never a good day in sight. I talked to her for so long, however, that i had almost forgotten what normal conversation with a fun person was like. The moment i started talking to new girls, i remembered again, jsut how wide a conversation can really be...

I think, once upon a time, there was a "sorta" fun version that existed of Jen, but I basically missed meeting that part of her, cus I came into her life too late. I only arrived on the scene in a serius way after she had been knocked up for the 2nd time, when I really look back at it, and I think she only really started to confide in me at that time, cause she realized she was heading for some serious shit and didn't know who else to lay it on. I just so happened to be there so she laid it on me. And now here we are, close to 3 years down the road after the kids birth, and she is even more miserable than she was when he was born. I guess the main reason I tend to feel really extra bad sometimes is cause occasionally i open my eyes and, as i said in other entries, I feel like I escaped something that people ain't supposed to ever escape. I really can't describe the exact emotion but its basically like I was so involved with that pregnancy and that childs birth and his first 2 years of life, that I feel like I got a true "first person perspective" on everythin, and this perspective got so intimate that I forgot who I really was. I.e. Not the actual father. Hence it's this really weird feeling of euphoria and relief i get sometimes, when I realize that, out of the 3 of us (Jen, the daddy, and me) I'm ultimately the only one who got to escape. They are left behind to live this all now, forever. And it just sucks more and more every year.

Basically I'm like Andy in the Shawshank Redemption. I'm living in Mexico now w/ a place on the beach , far from the dog pound -- but i still remember my friends back at the pound and it makes me sad. They are lifers. This whole story that is so miserable w/ the baby daddy is something that Jen will be dealing with, most likely, for so long as she lives, unless she manages to pul a fast one and beat the odds and get rich on her own. Which, sure, i suppose it could happen, and she does seem to have some money w/ the family, and her brother seems to have some, but eh... I don't know...something tells me she ain't gonna wind up rich just like I ain't gonna wind up the next Bob Dylan.... she's gonna be dealing with this shit and living on Grief Road for some time to come .....

Is there a part of me that still sometimes wants to write to Jen and start telling her all the stuff i started saying, about how i wanna take it all it on, and be like a father to the kids, and be with her? Yes that part is definitely still there but ... he has no power to come out anymore because Jen herself scared him off with her rejections. Again, thats the weird fucking thing about this all: I know Jen is sad about this, and that she wants me in her life, but at the same time, she also rejected me as much as i have now rejected her. If she had just let me come over, i might alrady be working 2 jobs this very day and giving all the money to her and her boys. I might have gotten sucked in completely! But she chose, numerous times, to keep telling me she loved me, whilst also refusing to let me over. Why'd she refuse? She said she did it out of fear that I'd get there, fuck her, and then get sick of the kids and  run. Would it have happened? I honestly do not know. Maybe it would have. Maybe I would have gone on to discover everythin i have now discovered, after lleaving her, about how much everyone hates being a parent . Maybe i would have loved it. I'll never know. Personally, i think she was probably mostly correct. I would have liked the warmth of Jens bed and her kids for a few years, as i wrote before, but then i would have left. Cause once you get something you never want it no more. Aint it basically a rule?

So, ya. My basic vision of Jenny is that now she's basically settling in to single mom life, to being alone on most nights, just watching TV, after the entire 5-6 year rollercoaster ride she was on. I think she's coming to the realization that this is what life is gonna be for a number of years--who knows how many-- and that she probably won't get the 2nd daddy back, like she kept thinking she would for awhile. I think that once I left her life, and now that I've stayed gone from it, her eyes really opened to the real reality of the single mom life she was living, just like my eyes opened to ... well, the reality of my own life (which is also desperately vacant) after I cut her out.

The big difference of course is that my lifes vacancy isn't anywher close to as desperate as hers. My lifes vacancy is like a funny joke. Hers is a dead serious thing that everyone takes immediate notice of and secretly judges her for. Hers is one that even she is forced to constantly notice, since she has to run countless chores for those kids and drive them places and blah blah blah. Jens status as single mom, if she really doesn't get another guy to pop up, or if that 2nd daddy seriously never winds up cooperating, is gonna be a wickedly annoying thing.

Honestly, when I start to think of the lifestyle the kids will live around the time they are 8 or 9, when they need rides all over the place, et cetera, I get almost dizzy thinking of how in Gods name Jen coud possibly handle that alone. FOr example, I often think of Jens story and think it has some relation to my mothers tale (because my mother is now a "single mom") but , then I remember that my mother only split with my stepfather after the kids were full grown and no longer needed the sort of intimate help & attention that a 7-12 year old needs constantly. By 12 the kid is basically good to go. I imagine you can  leave them home alone for short stretches at that age. By 14 you can leave them for long stretches (at least the way I remember my life). But Jens first son is only just finishing Kindergarten, which makes him 6, and the other kid is still months away from 3. I don't know how she is going to be able to handle that if she really has to be alone through it all, for the next 8 years or so. Just sounds like a big shitty thing to have to live with. And I think she is sort of only recently taking this all in. I think Jen is only really just realizing that she played a truly bad card with that 2nd baby daddy. How she didn't know it from the get-go, I just don't know. I honestly don't think she knows either.

Revolutionary Road, though. Watch it. It don't have any pirates or cowboys or aliens in it, nobody even gets shot,  but man, that movie is one true to life fuckin' tragedy.