Woke up to a bit of a wild thunder and wind storm tonight. In a bit of shock cause I have not heard winds as strong as that in years. They were so strong that I actually awoke from hearing them gusting into my window. And of course my little doggie DaVinci was also pretty scared. The lightning was coming down like crazy with some bits of thunder too, and then I started to read on-line that they're saying there will be an actual tornado. I'll admit this news of a tornado had me a bit shaken---I briefly imagined my house blowing away like a scene from Wizard of Oz --- but then the tornado warning ended just about as fast as it came, and we were back to just normal, violent winds and rain and so on....
I'll admit a memory of being at Jens house during a particularly good storm came down. I remember I was still smoking then and we sat together on her front porch, for a few spare minutes, smokin' cigarettes together, in the storm. This was just a rainstorm but i had been waiting all day for it that summer because the whole dang state had been in a pretty severe drought for literally months. Since no one is a farmer round here, of course, no one even really knew there had been a drought, cept me, cause even though i hardly engage w/ the outdoors, i am always following the weather for some reason. And yea. Jennifer. She is coming to mind even with this storm. Hell if there was an actual tornado i would have naturally seen symbolism in it, as being representative of her being violently blown away from my life. Everything that happens now ... is connected to Jen...will be for awhile yet. Of course don't forget, she is now supposedly re-united with the ex. Also known as the "Second degree strangulation charge boyfriend". I'll tell you ...i don't know whether i'm more disappointed with Jen or her asshole father, if that guy is really living with her again, even after a violent assault charge against her.
I always liked Jens father--even felt bad for the man---but this just disgusts me now, and i do feel an anger for him, if its true. I can understand letting the guy live there thru numerous violent episodes i guess---but after even a charge is brought against him? To me its ridiculous. Though I suspect loser Jen made up some story about how the cops lied about what really happened and "he wasn't really strangling me...it just looked like he was." Her father probably ate it up like a cake. He should have read the stats. They tell me that 75% of guys charged with one domestic violence charge....will eventually be charged with another. Ladies you should take heed: If we men crack you in the face once, we will probably do it again. The chances of reformation are very low. Exceedingly low.
But there's also a part of me which thinks that Jen herself finally realizes this all now. In fact, I have come to think of her as being a bit like someone that has been "broken in" now. Which is to say that, all that complaining she used to do, about the baby daddy, and all that unhappiness she so openly and publicly displayed to the "World" about the situation, is now just finished. It's like she was fighting and resisting--the strong part of her was--- and she saw what she was becoming, and didn't wanna become it, but now that's it...Jen lost..and she finally is that thing. She is the battered, broken house wife, the broken, abused mother. That's all she is now. It's the character she is going to play and she realizes she has been broken. Friends to vent to, friends who really sympathize or who find it all strange, are now few and far between. Oh i'm sure she still has that imbecile Catherine, and the girl Francesca, but they're both, as I always wrote, just two girls who are also in fairly abusive relationships themselves. Its just one big crowd of assholes in Jens life, who all think this is normal. Her mouth is sealed up now. This is what it is. Keep quiet Jen....you chose this life...didn't you? Seems to me you did.
Ah! How exciting. A boom of thundr just rolled thru the sky and some lightning crashed. I am opening my blinds a bit looking out. Maybe Jen is out there driving on the road somewhere with her windshield wipers flappin' away. She's parked somewhere just weeping like the sky. I can imagine her with her baby in her hands weeping. Her other older son in the backseat slapping the window and shouting about the ferocity of the storm. "Mommy look! Look! Lightning!" She has just been beaten again by the baby daddy. He slapped her upside the head. Punched her. Or maybe he grabbed her with full force and threw her right into the wall head first. After all his declarations of change and staying clean off the drugs, after months of success and no relapsing...it's happened yet again! I always have this same mental image of Jennifer now. It's her crying in a corner with a bit of blood on her somewhere and shes really weeping so severely. Behind her the evil eyed baby daddy is pacing around, fuming. He is so mad. And she is just sitting there knowing that she's been beaten and violently abused yet again ...the cycle continues...and now there isn't even anyone to call. "I sure wish i could call Jack. But Jack is gone."
I am an asshole i know. To think i was some type of male hero. I wasn't shit. Believe me women i know I wasn't shit. But it is just what i feel, i guess, about her now. Like she is going to have it all begin again, at some point, eventually, and no one will be there. Does she really believe she'll be able to change that rotten fuck of a man? It is pathetic if she really thinks it. What I personally suspect, however, is that Jen knows he will never change, and that what she is doing now--if she's really back w/ him---is that she's abusing her own self....and you know why? Cause she's mad I "Abandoned her". So now she has some great big excuse in her head as to why she returned. If I did talk to her again, I can imagine her rudely explaining to me that the reason she returned isdirectly because of me. "You were supposed to be different....in the end you left me...abandoned me...lost patience with me...so what else did i have? What other choice?"
Jen always acts as though she had no choice in the matter. She had a choice. She is weak.
But enough about Jen! How about I tell you a bit about a story that I have been summoning up from Jens nightmare instead? It is a new story I'm working on occasionally about three girls from a little town called Crystal Glen---three privately educated fairly wealthy girls--- and how one of them runs off to Miami, Florida, and becomes a porn star. The story takes place from the point of the view of the two girls who have not run off and who are still i nthe small town, and i certainly based them a bit off what Jen sold me about how boring life is as a parent. For the two girls are really more women, and they each have a single child they are raising. Unlike Jen, they also both have husbands who are rich and who stay with them, but alas, they are unhappy! And the whole story so far is really some type of examination of the third girls decision to disappear from town and turn porn star. The main girl in the tale, Natalie is her name, doesn't like the decision at all. She finds it disgusting. She also finds the fact that the girl aborted a baby before running off to shoot porn in Miami completely revolting. "I am so against abortion." she says, "I hate abortion!" Jen used to say that all the time too. I personally found that par the emost exciting. I want to write fantastical abortion scenes in the book where Natalie starts having frightening dreams of aborted fetuses floating in a fish tank with her or something.
I do have to say that i am almost pretty surprised at how inspired I am able to stay when it comes to these tales about women, specifically pregnant women or porn star women. You might recall my story about Franny which I was writing over the winter. I shocked myself by being able to maintain inspiration with that story until I hit 70,000 words with it. It was all about two white girls living in the "hood" with black guys....getting pregnant naturally...and also being a bit, i dunno, flustered i Suppose. I found the story of Franny wildly tantalizing, and its the same with this story of Natalie now too. For some reason I am always curious where they can go next, and because the characters seem so similar to Jen, i suppose i relate with the consequences of what they do. I don't seem to care much in novels i try to write about cowboys and stuff. But with this girl Natalie , i do care, to some degree. Will she wind up fleeing from her home too, like her friend? Will she try to be a porn star? Will she fail? Will it go wrong? So many questions, honey! I think I'm gonna try to turn her into a porn star but it will be challenging. She is very against it. Also, I wrote her as being a pianist. Do you teally think a pianist would become a porn star? I bet they would...
Ah but here is my little friend from Peru, writing to me now. Asking me if I have "rayos" in my city. I don't know what this word means. She has just sent a picture of what it means. Thunder bolts. Yes, little Peruvian, there are currently thunder bolts in my city! And it is most exciting. How i wish i was...where? An airport! Waiting for a flight to ...not Peru... but Texas! Aye Texas. I've been obsessing over it for days with all my Willie Nelson research. Then before I began writing this I was listening to Chris Stapleton. I hate him, but only because he is good and he is living my dream of wandering around America in a straw cowboy hat with an acoustic guitar, getting paid for it. In the song i was watching of him he had a woman singing with him. Could have made me cry. Damn you to the deepest depths, Chris Stapleton. "Tennessee Whiskey" is a damn fine song in A major. Of course I don't agree at all with the lyrics of the song. For it seems to be about how the only thing saving the character in the song from soul crushing alcoholism is the woman he has found. Chris, this is a bad gamble you're taking. Don't you know what the next song that comes always is, or are you really that much of a stereotype here? She will leave you, and then you'll write a song about how...oh my Lawd...you're at the bar again. I'm sure that completely generic song will also be a hit too of course.
I have been writing some songs of my own about heartbreak, of course. Wrote some yesterday evening and this morning. One of them I called "Goodbye Miss Misery". It was good and should be a hit and should be on an album and should also be being performed regularly on a tour. MY TOUR.
Sure would be good fun to be on tour right now, away from this shithole town and these bland, dreadful people i cannot stand. Sure would be good fun.
---- Journals
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