I think I ended up not being interested in a relationship with any women due mainly to the fact that, when you are a man in hot pursuit of a woman, you really have to become obsessed with a certain level of conformity that I simply find unbearable.
The irony of this fact, of course, is that plenty of women seem "slightly" eager to be friends with a unique "non conformist" male, but they don't generally want to date them. They especially don't want to date them when you're in the social class of the US that I'm in, that being the lowest. Down here, in fact, there's probably nothing that's going to remind you more of just how low on the totem pole you are, than attempting to date women. To some extent, maintaining a hetero relationship with a woman is really similar to getting involved in the real estate market: You must always present a plan, you must be organized, you must dress a certain way, etc. This, I've noticed, is especially the case when perusing dating apps like OkCupid & Tinder: Talking to women on there, and trying to get them interested in you, seems to remind me more of giving a job interview to a potential employer, than trying to, you know, engage in anything romantic. If you want my opinion, nothing speaks more to the sterilization of the capitalistic American society than those dating apps. Nine times out of ten, they literally feel more like slave markets. Again: the women seem to be seeking a model employee, rather than a man. Hence the desire for the utmost conformity.....
Alas, don't think I blame women "alone" for this, because I certainly don't. If anything, I feel just as terrible for them as I do for myself , in this dreadfully sterile country. For the truth of it is that women's desire for a conformist man, whose like an "employee" rather than a human, Is all really coming directly from the fact that women are, as feminists tell us, oppressed. In fact, the truth about my entire feminist journey (because I do consider myself as one) all ironically begins and ends with the core fact that I tend to find women-- when I'm looking at them as romantic partners---insufferably annoying. Like, I really don't like them, I don't like trying to pursue romance with them, and generally when I have gotten lonely enough to attempt it, I always wind up feeling just as shitty as the last time I tried. Women do not often make me feel good about myself. If anything, I'm beginning to realize more and more that they usually just make me feel terrible --- if not downright suicidal at times. And of course I don't appear, at all, to be alone in this depression over women: It seems most men are in agreement, especially the ones who are actually married or in long term relationships. The only men who really seem happy to me in relationships are ones who are, in truth, already happy in every other regard as well. Some people might say "that's common sense ...one ought wait to be happy in other departments before getting into a relationship..." However, I'm in vehement disagree with that statement, because that, again, sounds an awful lot like applying to a job market, instead of applying for love, or a true genuine & unconditional human connection. People who seem to think that friends and lovers are only supposed to enter into the fold *after* you've become successful really do have something wrong with them (or I suppose they really are just that brainwashed by this truly horrific country).
So, as I was saying before, I'm well aware that it's not womens fault they are looking for employees rather than people, and it's this exact awareness that has led to me being desperately in need of the patriarchy being overthrown, in just the same way feminists say they're in need. The basic fact here is that, even though I'm a man, and even a fairly "masculine" one in some aesthetic regards, I still can't really sit comfortably with the demands that patriarchy places on me. The reasons why should be obvious: Patriarchy promotes unequal relationships. It promotes the idea that the man should be in control and taking care of a vast number of important things , whilst the woman takes care of a whole other set of things. Patriarchy is the entire engine that is causing women to feel forced to look for potential employees (or even slaves) rather than the men they truly want, deep down. And this need, as I said, is especially pronounced in the pathetic area of America that I'm in, where it seems three quarters of the girls have all had children of their own to worry of, ever since they were children themselves. These women are not freed to try and pursue any feminist ideal in my opinion: They feel absolutely compelled to find a strong man who can "take care of everything" as fast as possible. The only problem of course is...this strong man doesn't really seem to exist. The men that instead exist are a seemingly never ending series of men who will take up that strong man "enployee provider" mantle for short bursts Of time, until they get tired, or until it's discovered that they can't really keep control as well as they promised, at which point they find another woman to trick.
The only difference between myself and those men is I don't even have the energy to do it temporarily. I find this patriarchal role that suffocating. I also suppose that I find it to be a waste to use what little patriarchal powers I might have at my disposal on a woman. If I'm going to use them, shouldn't I might as well use them on something potentially profitable? It's hard to explain. I suppose I just don't like the role , and I'm perpsnally convinced that not liking this role - at alll-- is precisely what led to my "sexual identity" and also "gender identity" experiments. I was literally so fed up with women , and at a certain point in my early 20s, so angry and hateful of them, that I felt I literally had to "become a woman", at least temporarily, in order to get my love back for them. I can't express how deeply I hated women in my early 20s. I really despised them.
So I did these gender experiments and more, & vasically the only thing I learned from it was that being a woman really is just as miserable and oppressive of an experience as the feminists paint it as. Which is why my idea now is that the only thing feminists are missing - and why so few people find the argument compelling -- is all this negative stuff I'm saying about men, too, when it comes to patriarchy. Basically, I don't think most men are really made to be aware of just what crap roles they've been asked to play, because there's really no shame that accompanies the man role -- so long as he's successful-- like there is whne it comes to the woman's. For example, I personally believe that, even if I was a millionaire, I would feel annoyed by the patriarchy, because I don't want to be "in control" or "the sole provider", I want to be an equal with my woman. I would see being the sole provider as a burden, not a gift or a blessing. Most men, however, don't interpret it like this. They have been trained to see this all as being a blessing, instead of a burden, in much the same way, for example, that many women of the deeper past undoubtedly saw staying home all day, cleaning and cooking, as a blessing, rather than a burden. They saw this -- and many still see it -- as a glorious escape from the pain of the outside world and reality. As a writer who loves being home, I can't blame them; but, at the same time, there's also the other problem many women of modern day are forgetting about the past: Staying at home wasn't some lackadaisical choice to women back then. It was instead more of a prison sentence. You literally had no choice but to be there. I'm not sure about you but ....as much as I love writing in my room here...I Ain't sure I'd like it too much if someone suddenly locked me in the room. At that point, I think I'd want to get out ...no matter what was waiting behind the door. This is how feminism began, gloriously so.
Hetero men , however, in this strange in between time period, are, in my opinion, sort of being served a bit of a shitty challenge. Why? It's simple: Women have now gotten a bit out of the room men locked them in , but men, in fact, are still very much in the same old room that women locked them in. Powerful millionaire men perhaps don't care about being locked in this room--- they think it's such a fantastic room to be in-- but lower class men often do, at least once we fail. It's just that they still don't often totally realize they hate this room...
They don't want to admit they feel uncomfortable in the room, because guess what happens when you do? You end up like me , and no "working class" woman on Earth wants to date you . You end up an outcast with no friends except men generally, or women who will only feel comfortable with you if you tell them youre gay, and who otherwise don't want to know the first thing about you. This severe type of outcasting doesn't really ever happen for women: they're always allowed a slew of friends from both genders, regardless of their power or position in society. In other words, modern working class women no longer need to know one thing about cooking or cleaning to score a man, but you better believe that many of them expect me to know how to fix the lights, the car, pay an enormous sum of the bills, etcetc. They still expect me to be the strong man like its the 1940s; but they're no longer the weak little cooking girl (even if they try to pretend they are).
Well here's what I think of it, girls, speaking as your potential date: Go fuck yourself with it. Take this job and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, BITCH.
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