Diaries 2

Just got done writing a song and trying to put myself into a better mood, despite this stupid Jen crap. I really can't f'n believe she would send me that. It's so bloody obnoxious...don't even know what else to say. For awhile I browsed thru some songs, half thinking i should send her a link to one (and then never reply again). Of course it's wicked hard to find a song that someone else has written, that could possibly express all the twisted emotions i feel for this chica -- but there's also no way I'm gonna send her a song I've written for her cus...that'd just be ridiculous.

A few songs that nearly got chosen, however, were Springsteens "Backstreets", Madonna's "Gang Bang", and then Sublimes "Summertime".

Springsteens song had the most meaning, cause it's all about him and some gender ambiguous character named Terry, spending a lovely summer together on the 'backstreets', and then winding up in a firey crash of hatred and turmoil etc. They swore that they'd forevr be friends. It didn't work out. Never does, huh?

The best lines are the ones when Bruce screams "...you can blame it all on me Terry! It don't matter to me now!" Its a very powerful song -- but it clocks in at amost 7 entire minutes so..it didn't really seem like the best idea to send. Plus the entire first minute of the song is pure instrumental, which is never a good idea when you want to use the song to get a point across to an impatient toad girl like Jenny. I also like the introductory lines to the tune .... "one soft infested summer, me and Terry became friends...tryin' in vain to breathe the fire we was born in ...."

Bruce really could write a good tune, couldn't he? He has this weird way he twists things. Like, what does it mean when he says a 'soft infested summer'? Was everyone sick that summer in Jersey? Makes me think of everything being super hot, mosquitoes everywhere, that famously awful New Jersey smell in the air, by the beach, etc. Not sure how to explain it. Jen, being Jen, probably would not have understood the song. At all. She's an alien. I once loved an alien.

As for Madonna's "Gang Bang", well, I figured I would send that cause its just really funny and it would be bizarre, and mysterious, i guess, just like Jen insists on being. The song is all about Madonna shooting her boyfriend dead. "Like  a bitch outta order,  like a bat outta hell, like a fish outta water, I'm scared , can't you tell?"

 It's definitely an empowering anthem meant for females---so i figured it'd be fun if I, a wayward male, used it instead. Plus I'm obsessed with gang bang porn so I have always loved the title "Gang Bang". I did once play it for Jen, but I doubt she remembers. It's a very good song, but....I ain't sending it..

And finally the Sublime song: I just like the one line in it where Bradley Nowell declares "...me and my girl, we got a relationship .. I love her so bad, but she treats  me like shit ... I'm on lockdown like a penitentiary ....she spreads her lovin' all over, and when she gets home? There's none left for me!"

I used to drive around the dead town here smoking reefer and blasting "Summertime" all year long in my old Pontiac. What sad memories! That was basically my 'I'm so depressed over Kim' song, so it would be funny to now recycle it and use it for Jen. She would probably rejoice in receiving it...and I sure as hell don't want that.

Say, what if I just sent her a link to the most random article ever, like some article about Ben Guggenheim sinking on the Titanic or something, or maybe some article from The Onion making fn of Trump? Or-- oh my god -- what if i sent her the link to a video I've watched on YouTube about narcissists and narcissistic behavior like hers? You know it's kinda weird cus I had been thinking so much about narcissists these past months, and then the other day I'm talking to my friend from Spain,and she just starts telling me (without me ever sayin g a word) how she just got rid of a narcissist in her life too! Tell me, is this not synchronicity or something? Wow, I just typed synchronicity flawlessly and so fast too. I'm such a little Einstein.

Sigh. I just wish I had some bloody replacement for Jen. Like, a real friend. Some hot chica I could sit and sip ice coffees with, and hop rides with, and not have to fall in love with, just be friends with! She can be like Franny or Natalie in my stories and we'll just drive around talking shit about life all day. She'll be 23 years old or something, hot young and fresh! I'll be her life counselor. Where can I find someone like this? God only knows. I gues I'll have to leave the house and go somewhere -- but where? The Americans have arranged all these cities so that finding people in them is next to impossible. I seriously think Manhattan is the only place in this entire country where meeting people is possible. Everywhere else, you gotta be in from birth or 2nd grade or you're flat out fucked. Sigh sigh sigh. Well, I can still dream, right?

Imagine if Jen actually commits suicide now tho? Annamaria (another online friend whose probably not even a real human being but a robot pretending to be one) said "she definitely won't! so don't message her!" -- but how does Annamaria know? She never met Jen. She lives across the Atlantic in Rome. She don't know! She said people who commit suicide never mention it, before they do it. "If she was really contemplating killing herself, she'd, like, not say anything about it...not give any hints..."

How can we know that for sure ? What if linking me to the Kate Spade suicide article is Jens way of announcing shes close -- teetering on the edge? Shit, what if Jen herself isn't even fully aware she's getting closer to the edge -- she's just sort of subconsciously sending it? She did it while she was sleping somehow. Woke up half awake, eyes closed, somehow sending the link to my phone. Or maybe it even happened accidentally! I can sorta imagine her half stoned on some really strong drug in the morning, wigging out, painfully alone, the baby daddy beat her again, she thought it was all perfect...but now he's left, and so.... boom. She hits send as tears are pouring off her eyes. "He'll respond. It's about suicide! Jack will respond! OH JACK PLEASE!"

Hours pass. No response. Another day alone for Jenny Wren. (i just made that last name up from a McCartney song i sent her once).

Ah well. It is what it is. Now I should probably attempt to get back to that vampire story.